FALLING APART

Author: Espresso Life

E-mail: espresso_life@yahoo.com

Beta Readers: Limonzine and Sarah thank you so much guys

Rating: Adult Situations.

Warning: major Nick angst and torture.
 
Summary: This is my alternate story line for the beginning of the
third season.

Author's Notes: Limonzine and sarah , thank you so much for your
constructive comments and guiding questions.

--+--

It had been about a month since that unfortunate night at the
symphony. No one knew about what had happened in the parking lot .
Ralph Trillo signed the papers and was never heard from again. This
was also true for Ray Cantwell. He was out in Florida and didn't
even bother to pick up the phone and call his daughter once in
awhile, which was fine with Burton. He and Shannon were growing
closer, Shannon was doing great at Thurmond and he felt like they
were really becoming a family. Things were good all around, except
for his relationship with Nick.

It seemed Nick was more withdrawn then ever before. Whatever
progress they had made the previous year, seemed to just vanish.
Burton had tried to talk to him, asking how he was, but Nick always
gave him one-syllable answers. He would also try to arrange for the
two of them to meet. Nick however, almost always had excuses and
when they did meet, all they talked about was work, so Burton had
resorted to being Nick's Boss. It was what he knew how to do, so
that is what he did. He asked Nick to work with him on some of his
cases using various excuses, since it was the only way he could
spend some time with him.

For Nick, things were looking a lot less bright. Lulu was out in
California and they were no longer together, James was dead, and
his father kept giving him more responsibilities, while Burton was
playing house with Shannon. But Nick welcomed the added
responsibilities. He liked working long hours. He liked not having
time to think. After work, he had made a new habit of going to a
different bar. It was nothing like the Incline, reminding him a bit
of a bar in New York that he used to like. There were plenty of
single women there. He would usually sit down at the bar or a corner
table and start downing tequilas. The only reason he wasn't getting
high again was because of his probation, a bar/restaurant he could
get away with, but not a positive drug test. When he was drunk
enough to his liking Nick would pick one of the women he saw there,
preferably another drunk. He would simply approach her and ask
her "Want to go to my place?" If she said "no", he would simply go
on to the next. This was rarely necessary however. It was the kind
of place people went to find one night stands. And even drunk, Nick
was attractive to a large number of the female clientele.
Last night was no different .He brought home a young girl in her
twenties. He could barely remember her name. <Is it Kelly or Ellie?
Oh well. She probably can't remember my name either.>

It was early, 5:30 A.M, but someone was already knocking on the door
loudly, not helping Nick's hangover. He wobbled down slowly wearing
his boxer and a tee-shirt and opened the door, only to see his
father.

"I called your cell phone. You didn't answer". He let him self in
and looked at his half-a-sleep son. "You know, it's customary to put
on a robe before answering the door. You never know who it's going
to be.

"It's 5: 30 in the morning!" was all Nick could say. He had fallen
asleep only three hours earlier.

"Well I need you to get dressed and come to work. Colman wants to
push forward with the merger. We need to get a head start. I don't
want another fiasco like the American hydrant merger.

Not wanting to get into an argument or for that matter even a
conversation with Burton, Nick decided not to respond to his
father's last comment. "I'll go get ready" he said.

"Well, I'll make you breakfast," Burton offered, "Oh, by the way,
there's a party this Saturday: Riverbrook Country Club's 70th
anniversary. All the members and their families are going to be
there, a lot of nice young women. Be nice if you could come."

The last thing Nick wanted to do was spend his Saturday with the
country club crowd. He did not want some rich, stuck-up husband
seeking country club females all around, boring conversations and
old men getting drunk. No, he had his own place for getting drunk
where the company was a lot less uptight. "I can't " he said "the
Collins merger".

"Well, that's why I came here so early. If we get started now and
work really hard, we could go on Saturday!"

<Wrong excuse> Nick thought to himself. Just as he was thinking of
the next one , last night' s choice was coming down the stairs,
wearing last nights mini black dress, makeup a little smeared. She
looked at Nick trying to remember his name. Burton looked at her,
and turned away to go into the kitchen.

"Bill?" she asked.

"Nick." he corrected her. "Are you okay to get home?"

"Yeah, I'll take a cab."

"I can take you." he offered with out really meaning it.

"No, you seem to be in the middle of something. I'll get a cab."

"Okay. Sorry."

"See you around Nick." she said as she opened the door.

"Bye, Kelly."

"Carry." She corrected him and shut the door.

He went upstairs to take his shower. When he came back down, the
coffee was waiting for him.

"I tried to make some breakfast but there's nothing in your
refrigerator other then some beer and a bottle of tequila."

"Yeah, I should do some shopping" Nick tried to dismiss his father's
revelation.


<God, I hope this won't turn into a fight>, he thought to himself.

"I thought you didn't drink." Burton wasn't letting go.

Nick shrugged and took a sip from his coffee. His father took a sit
in front of him, his right hand was playing with his mustache, that
was never a good sign.

"So, this is what you do now? Get drunk and go home with women whose
name you can't even remember? You think I can't see you're hung
over?"

Nick really wasn't in the mood for this.

"I'm a big boy dad, and a single man, and I really don't need this
lecture."

"Son, this is no way to go through life."

"The way I go through MY life is my own damn business!" Nick
angrily got up from his chair. "Thank you for the coffee."


Taking his keys, Nick walked toward the door, " we should get going"

Burton sighed and followed his son out. This is how they would
usually finish their arguments.

**
Fallin & Fallin

Later that day Burton passed by Nick's office, Nick wasn't there, he
left for LSP sometime in the morning, forgetting they had a big deal
in the making. If he didn't come back soon, they weren't going to be
able to finish this by Friday. <Maybe that was his intent>, Burton
thought to himself.

He went inside the office and looked around a bit. A picture of Anne
was the only personal thing there. He looked around again and then
checked out side, he closed the door and approached the desk again,
< now if he kept it here it would probably be in a drawer >. He
opened the first one, nothing but some papers and pens, he poked
around there a little bit, <maybe it was hidden>.

"What are you doing?"

Nick was standing in the entrance, his piercing eyes staring hard
at Burton.

"Nicholas " Burton laughed, embarrassed. "I was just looking for a –
"

"Drugs?"

"No, no, a pen and a ...Well…yes"

Nick smirked. But the truth was that he was furious and trying very
hard to remain calm.

Burton cleared his throat and looked at his furious son straight in
the eyes. He considered apologizing to Nick but changed his mind. <I
have to confront Nicholas about this, I can't just brush it away.>
he thought. < And I can't apologize either. No, that would put me in
a position of weakness. I must be firm with him and demand a
straight answer.>

"Well what am I supposed to do Nicholas? I was worried! I wanted to
know if you were using that stuff again"

After that, Nick could not keep calm any more.

"You want to know then ask me, don't go throw my stuff, you have no
right!!!" he yelled at his father.

"Okay then, are you using drugs again, Nicholas?"

"No!"

His father looked at him disappointedly.

"You don't believe me."

Burton did not answer.

"Well let me tell you something, dad: If I wanted to use, if I was
using, you would have no idea, okay? You would never - I spent
thousands of hours high with you, dinner parties, client meetings,
graduations, parents' day at school, summer and spring vacation.
Sometimes I was high at the dinner table, and you would have no idea
because you live in your own little "Burton Fallin" imaginary world,
and you know what? That's fine with me."

And with those words Nick stormed out of the office, leaving a
stunned Burton standing by an opened drawer.

Two hours later, Burton Fallin was sitting in his office. Nick
wasn't answering his cell phone, he wasn't at home, he wasn't at the
Incline and Burton was getting really worried. He decided to call
LSP. Alvin answered the phone.

"Hi, Alvin, Burton Fallin here, say, is Nick there by any chance?"

"No, Burton he isn't. Come to think of it, I haven't seen him since
this morning. He didn't show up for the meeting either."

"Meeting?"

"'N.A' meeting. I'm his sponsor"

"Oh, well. I guess he wouldn't go to one of those."

"What do you mean Burton?"

Burton remained silent, unsure whether or not to share this problem
with Alvin. This was about he and Nick. But then again, Alvin had
just said he was Nick's sponsor.

"Burton, would you like to meet somewhere? "The Incline?"

"Right now Alvin, I just want to find Nicholas."

"Maybe I can help you Burton."

"Okay then…The Incline"

"I'm on my way."

~ / ~

The Incline


"Nick's been drinking a lot, and I think he maybe using again."

"Has he told you that?" Alvin asked him sympathetically

"No, I …I went into his office and looked around. Burton spoke
quietly .He was very embarrassed to admit this to Alvin.
"He caught me, I asked him, he said `no'. I didn't believe him and
he stormed out and I can't find him any where, I'm just afraid he'd
gone…gone -" he stammered.

"Scoring?"

Burton nodded. He had been unsure of the correct term for getting
drugs, but it sounded right.

"Well, listen Burton: I can think of a few places he might go. I'll
go check it out and let you know if I find him."

"I hate to trouble you…

"It's no trouble" Alvin said as he arose.

"I'm Nick's sponsor. It's my job," <besides>, he thought to
himself, <I owe him. A sponsor is supposed to be sober longer then
the person he is sponsoring, and I can't say I've done that.> He had
a few bars he thought maybe Nick would go to, a place people come to
get drunk, a place for young people but still high class. There
were a few of those, and fewer where quality coke was at hand.

**
Alvin passed a couple of bars, but there was no sign of Nick. As he
was leaving the third bar, he remembered half a conversation between
nick and a young girl that thought she saw him at "Brown 's." <It's
worth a shot>, he told himself, it fit the description of where he
thought Nick would go, and that's where he found him.

When he entered the bar, Nick was totally hammered, downing his god-
knows-which tequila, looking around at the room with blank eyes.

"Hi Nick " Alvin sat down next to him.

Nick looked at him, saying nothing, then called out to the bartender
and requested another tequila.

" I think you've had enough, Nick"

"I don't remember asking you Alvin…" he downed the shot and called
again to the bartender

"Another one please."

Alvin tried to signal to the bartender to cut Nick off, but ignoring
Alvin, the bartender poured Nick another one anyway.

"Nick, why don't you let me take you home?" He tried convincing
Nick to leave.

"I'm fine here." Down went the next shot.

"Another one, please."

"I think he's had enough" Alvin told the bartender.

"Hey buddy, this is a bar. People come here to drink" said the
bartender.

"Can't you see this man has had enough?"

"He's sitting here quietly, not bothering anyone. He has a right to
get drunk. I'm not his mommy - besides he's ordering the best kind -
its good money!"

Alvin scoffed, "that's all you care about, what are you going to do
if he passes out in the middle of your bar? Don't you care?"

"Either order something, or get out". The bartender demanded
apathetically. .

Alvin was just not getting through .

"I'm not leaving with out you, Nick."

"I'm not leaving with out you, Nick…" Alvin remained seated at
Nick's side.

"He wants you to leave," the bartender reiterated.
"I'll have a Coke, please" Alvin told the bartender .

"What with?"

"A twist of lemon and some ice."

The bartender, clearly unhappy, turned to prepare Alvin his drink,

"I'm going to stay here until you leave with me" Alvin repeated.

The bartender placed the Coke on the bar and Alvin calmly sipped it.

"Good Coke" he said. "So, did you see the game last night? I
thought it was great - especially Rodriguez!"

Alvin was really getting on Nick's nerves. He showed no signs of
giving up and knowing Alvin and his self-righteous idealism, he
probably wasn't going to leave without him. So Nick gave up.

"All right, all right, I'll go…just…just shut up."

He placed a few bills on the bar and they left.

**
Nick's Home

Alvin drove Nick home and came in with him, to make sure Nick would
not slip on the stairs. When they entered, Alvin remembered he had
to call Burton.

"May I use the phone ?" he asked.

"Sure." Nick mumbled and headed towards the living room where a half
empty bottle of booze was laying, a remainder of last night. He
needed a glass. <Where are the glasses? Kitchen, yes.> He took the
bottle and headed towards the kitchen, passing by Alvin who noticed
him, and yanked the bottle out of his hands.

"Did you make your phone call?" He decided to ignore Alvin's "AA"
crap. After all there was another bottle in the fridge.

"Not yet. You know I'm trying to call your father. He's very
worried about you!"

Nick laughed a drunken laugh.

"Oh-h, he's worried about me? That's what he told you?"

"Yeah. He really cares about you Nick!"

Nick laughed again.

< Worried about my work, you mean.>

His entire life, the only thing concerning him, his father ever gave
a damn about, were his grades and later on billable hours and
winning cases. Nick couldn't help but remember the day his mother died. His 
father's version of comforting his son came out as a speech on how
men have to be strong. Soon after which he rushed back to his
office, as he did through out Anne's illness, leaving a young Nick
to deal with the fact that his mother was slowly withering away.

<Man, he needed a drink>

"I need a glass."

He went into the kitchen, took a glass and a bottle of Vodka that
was there, and started back into the living room.

"Is this about Lulu, Nick?" Alvin followed him into the living
room. "I know what it's like to have a broken heart. I've been
there. You know, most men when they have "woman trouble" go out and
get drunk, but we can't. We have to find another way to deal with
it. So, why don't you tell me what happened?"

Nick poured the vodka into the glass.

Better have that talk when he's sober, Alvin decided .

"Okay, I'm just going to call your father, to let him know you're
all right. You know he had scenarios running through his head about
you lying dead in a ditch from an overdose? My father was drunk all
my life. If I had a father like that I sure wouldn't treat him
like -" Thump!! A loud noise sounded from the leaving room just
as Alvin was half way throw to the phone"


Alvin turned around and saw Nick staring at his hand, which was
covered in blood. Lifting his head, he glanced at the window facing
the street broken, shreds of glass all over the floor.
He approached Nick quickly. Nick was gazing at his hand. Even he
couldn't believe what he did.

"We should run some water on that, Nick " Alvin led a silent Nick
into the kitchen. He ran some water on the hand, but that only
seemed to increase the blood flow, so he went upstairs to the
bathroom where he found a first-aid kit and patched up the arm to
the best of his abilities.

"We should go to the E.R "

"No, I'm, I'm fine" Nick mumbled

"Nick, you're far from fine." Alvin said softly as he led Nick
outside to his car.

**
County Hospital

Alvin knew a couple of the doctors that worked that night at County,
so they didn't have to wait long. He helped Nick into an
examination room, helped him take off his coat and went outside,
while Nick was getting stitches. He did not know Burton's number.
The piece of paper Burton had written it on was left on the table,
so he reached in to Nick's pocket, hoping that the number was
programmed on his cell phone. He could not find the cell phone.
Instead, he found the card of a "Dr. A. Miller, psychiatrist". As he
was looking at the card, the doctor-on-call approached him.

"Hi, Mike! How's he doing?" Alvin greeted the doctor.

"Just needs a few stitches "

After a pause:

"He said it was an accident. Was it?" Mike asked.

Alvin looked at Mike but said nothing.

"Right." Mike nodded

"He just had a tough week, Mike."

"I'm obligated to call a psych consult in cases like this, you know,
Alvin."

"Yeah. Listen, I found this card in his pocket. I think maybe he's
already seeing a therapist." Alvin handed him the card.

"Well," Mike looked at the card, "I actually know this guy. He
works at this hospital. I'll contact him"

"Thanks Mike. I have to go and call his father, but I'll be back in
awhile."

"Take your time! You know how things are around here."


**

Burton Fallin was sitting in his office, trying to work on the
Collins deal without much success when the phone rang.

"Burton?"

"Yeah, Alvin - did you find him?"

"Yeah, I did. We're in the E.R now"

Burton's heart stopped for a second

"What happened?"

"Nothing serious, Nick just cut his hand, they'll stitch him up and
then I'll take him home"

<No use to get into how it happened now>, thought Alvin.

"Well, I'm coming over there"

Alvin thought about arguing with Burton but decided against it, it
probably wouldn't work anyway .

"Listen, Alvin, was he high?" Burton was afraid to ask but he did.

"No, not high; just drunk"

"You sure?"

"Yeah, Burton. If he was getting high, chances are he wouldn't have
bothered to get drunk"

<That sounds logical>, he thought <in a very weird way. But still,
it's some kind comfort>.

**
Back at the hospital Nick was getting edgy. The effects of the
alcohol were starting to wear off. He was surrounded by hospital
smell which he hated. His hand was stitched, and he just needed to
wait for the doctor that was called away, to get him a prescription
and bandage his hand. He wished the doctor would come back already
so he could get the hell out of there, but when the curtain opened,
he saw the last person he wanted to see.

"Hello, Mr. Fallin…" Dr. Miller said as he walked into the room.

Nick in disbelief, "what the hell are you doing here?"

"You had my card in your coat, so they called me…"

"Oh and you just decided to stop by?"

The doctor ignored Nick's last remark, "you want to tell me why you
punched a window?"

"It was an accident. I was drunk , and it just happened… not that
it's any of your business." Nick provided his terse explanation ,
The situation had made him very un comfortable. He tried to cover it
up by behaving rude and patronizing.

"Now, where is that doctor?"

Nick got up from the bad and decided he was going to find the
doctor by himself, get what he needed and get the hell out of there.

"He's going to be here soon, why don't you sit down?"

"I don't want to sit down, I want to get the hell out of here…"

"Do you ever think about killing yourself, Mr. Fallin?"

"What?!? No!"

"Have you been depressed lately?"

"Look, whatever wavers and forms you need me to sign bring it now or
I'm just going to go, you have no right too keep here"

"Actually, if I think you're a risk too yourself or others , I can
keep you for observation for 72 hours"

"Yeah, I'll sue the hospital and I'll sue you personally, and just
so you'd know I rarely lose at court…"

"Intimidations won't work here, Mr. Fallin."

"That's it, I'm out of here." Nick got up to leave; he could bandage
his hand at home.

"All right, okay…" the doctor seemed to give up.

"I'll get the doctor and the release form, just wait here for a few
minutes…"

"Make it quick." Nick was relishing his victory over the
condescending shrink who gave really bad advices.

Dr. Miller came out of the examination room looking for Dr.
Laurence, Nick's admitting doctor. He found him talking to Alvin and
Burton, who had just walked in.

"Which one of you is here with Nick Fallin?" he asked.

"I'm his father" said Burton. He turned to Alvin and thanked him
for the help and the two men stepped to a quiet corner where the
two could speak freely.

"My name is Dr. Miller. I'm a psychiatrist, Mr. Fallin."

"Okay?" Burton didn't understand why he was talking to a
psychiatrist but he started having a bad feeling.

"You know your son hurt himself tonight?"

"Yeah, he cut his hand…"

"He punched his hand into a window, deliberately…"

Burton looked at the doctor, stunned, "he told you that?"

"No, the man who brought him in told his doctor, who told me"


"You're out of your mind, Nick's not crazy, he just had a bad week,
he was letting out some steam…"

"He drove his hand throw a window, Mr. Fallin, three weeks ago he
had an outburst in a courtroom, I understand he gets drunk every
night…"

That last part was new to Burton.

"What do you mean an outburst in a courtroom?"

"Three weeks ago your son was referred to me by the court, for court
ordered anger management sessions, after he smashed his cell phone
on his desk and yelled at the judge"

"I didn't know that." Burton felt he needed to sit down.

"I… listen… can't he just come and see you on an outpatient bases?
I'll make sure he shows up…"

"I'm afraid it won't be enough, Nick is one of the most
uncooperative patients I've ever had. An hour a week of him sitting
on my couch, not saying anything, is not going to do him any good.
If I'm going to get him to talk, I need more time…"

"I don't know."

"Mr. Fallin, you're son has problems, ignoring them is not going to
make them go away. A broken phone, a broken window, what's going
happen next?" Dr. Miller looked blankly at the confused old man
before him.

That last sentence frightened Burton; it frightened him and opened
his eyes at the same time. He realized that's what he's being doing
with Nick all his life, ignoring problems, handing them over for
someone else too fix, or sweeping them under the rug. He was old
school and shrinks made him nervous, he didn't believe in talking
about one's feelings and all the psychological mumbo jumbo. Burton
thought that was soft and girly, sitting on some couch whining about
how hard life was. It was no way to be a man. But the last thing he
could say about Nick is that he was whiney or girlish - or even
talkative for that matter - maybe if he talked about what's
bothering him from time to time, if they talked a little bit, maybe
things would be different

"Mr. Fallin," the doctor interrupted Burton's thoughts.

"What I don't understand is doctor, why do you need my approval? You
have the power to make those decisions by yourself, don't you?"

"Yes, but in Nick's case, there's room for a judgment call, and,
well, approval from a family member can solve some legal problems
along the way, like a lawsuit for unwarranted hospitalization by
your son…"

Burton understood where this was coming from, Nick probably
threatened to "sue their asses".

"Okay, you have my approval, now can I speak to my son?"

"Sure, I'll take you to him."

Nick was sitting on the bad, looking very exhausted.

"Hi, Son…"

At the voice of his father, Nick jumped, "Dad, you didn't need to
come here…"

"Alvin called, said you drove your hand throw a window…"

"It was an accident, I slipped."

"Right," Burton wasn't going to argue about this now. "They say they
want to keep you here for 3 days."

"No, the doctor is supposed to bring some papers for me to sign, I
should be out of here in five minutes," Nick stammered in return.

"No, Nicholas, I just talked to the psychiatrist and he told me he
was admitting you for the next 72 hours…"

Nick was getting upset. "No! He told me he was going to get the
doctor to release me, I've had enough of this place," he got up and
took his coat, "let's go! …"

"It's just three days nick, it's not that bad, just stay here."

"What?" this didn't sound right, "did the shrink talk to you dad?"

"Son, it doesn't matter..."

Nick couldn't believe this. "He did, and you agree with him, you
think I should stay here. First you think I'm using now you think
I'm crazy!"

"I don't know what to think any more, Nick, you punched out a
window!"

As usual talking to his father was like talking to a wall.

"I've had enough of this, I'm just going to go." Nick angrily
grabbed his suit jacket and started towards the door.

"Not yet, Nick," Dr. Miller interrupted, "I talked to our legal
department, in case you're wondering, they gave me full backup. Why
don't you lie down and relax? Dave here is gone take you to your
room."

"I'll go with you," Burton offered.

"Don't bother." mumbled Nick as he laid back on the bed in
frustration. He could not believe this was happening to him. He
wanted to throw something, punch something, or some one , but he
knew he had to appear calm.

The bed started to roll and Burton followed them.

Nick had just realized he had been manipulated into this" and he had
no choice.

"Get the hell out of here dad, just go!" he yelled at his father.

Dr. Miller took Burton to the side.

"Mr. Fallin I think it is a good idea for you not to be here right
now. He's in good hands."

Burton nodded and walked away as Nick was slowly being rolled into
the elevator. Nick's words were echoing in his ear. How did things get to be 
this bad? he asked himself.

**

Later that night, as he was lying down in his own bed at home, he
couldn't help but feel as though he had betrayed Nick. Never the
less, Burton knew he would sleep well tonight, just knowing that his
son was safe.

**
And in his bed, in the dark private room his father made sure he
received, Nicholas Fallin found himself staring at the bare ceiling,
listening to the silence. Hours had past since he got here, but he
could not fall asleep, for he was trying to fight this horrible
feeling that his life had just fallen apart.