SO MUCH TO SAY Author: Limonize E-mail: spiral@spinfinder.com Rating: NC-17 Summary: Nick learns of Lulu's medical condition --+-- Part 1 "Nick?" "Yeah?" replied Nick, anxiously awaiting awaiting a call back from Caroline, regarding Lulu's condition, following news of her spontaneous miscarriage. "It's Jessie." a gravelly, young voice was heard to say. "Jessie?! – I…I thought you were…" Nick stammered in surprise. "I'm...the doctor says I'm a lot better...I've been getting speech therapy, and..." "Jessie…ah…it's great to hear from you…I'm on my way to court – " Nick lied to spare his feelings "- but – where are you, and I'll come and see you tonight!" "Caw! That would be great!…I mean, that would be GREAT, Nick! - I'm on the acute care ward – B5. Anytime until 9:00! - See you then!!" Nick smiled inwardly, realising the Jesse was on the road to recovery, and in apparent good spirits. Dr. Payne had notified him a month before, that Jessie was making signficant progress, and would soon be transferred to a more active wing of the hospital, and that perhaps he would require Nick's consent for future treatments that he might have to undergo. Nick had felt a pang of apprehension, remembering what had happened to Leslie, during her heart surgery. He tried to banish the memory and not overreact. He reminded himself that Jessie's situation was different. But Lulu – that was another matter. She was in hospital in another city, within a year of her car accident. And she had had a miscarriage – a miscarriage he would not even have known about, if Caroline - very drunk - had not contacted him the night before, to tell him about it. He had briefly considered flying out to see her, but he knew it might anger his father. They had so many critical business and court obligations to cover in the next four days. He felt torn. "Dad…" Nick stammered breathlessly, finally dialing his father's number. "What is it, Nicholas? You sound out of breath…" "Dad, I'm leaving tomorrow for a few days – I'm flying to Berkeley – " "Nicholas!" Burton bellowed, "Are you out of your cottin' pickin' mind??" For once in your life, use your head! Use the brains God gave you - do you realize how much problem that would cause for the firm - for both us - further down the line – if you go taking off like this? We have some serious things to deal with over the next couple of days. That Lulu woman decided to leave you Nicholas, and you have to respect that decision! "Dad, she's in hospital…she miscarried our baby..." Nick began to sniffle, in spite of his best efforts. "Oh, my…" Burton was momentarily at a loss for words. "I didn't know...well, Nicholas, even so...she didn't decide to stay here with you, did she? She left you, because that was what she wanted to do – start a new life. "Dad, how can you even think of talking me out of this?" Nick croaked angrily. "I'm going..." . There was deep melancholy in his voice. With that, Nick hung up. "Nicholas! Nicholas…don't! Nicholas?" Finally, Burton realised his son had hung up on him ~ ~ ~ "Caroline? It's Burton." "Oh. Hello, Burton. Louisa's in hospital. She isn't here." she said rather dismissively. "Er.. yes…I just found that out from Nicholas." Burton replied cautiously. Caroline certainly didn't sound welcoming. "I'm so sorry to hear that Louisa is having problems." Burton continued. "Yes. Well, it's usually the woman who bears the burden in these situations, isn't it? That was probably my last chance for being a grandmother in a long time" Caroline stated, with a trace of sadness evident in the mostly matter-of-fact tone she had used imparting the information to him. "Er…" Burton wanted to avoid having Caroline not give him an opportunity to speak about Nicholas. "I know what you mean – it was a great loss for me, when Shannon was taken away from me. It felt like my last chance was disappearing on me, too." Burton shared this with her, with a measure of genuine glumness, engaging in some uncharacteristic sharing of his own loss, for the first time in a long time. "I guess even men get the brunt sometimes. I'm sorry I was so insensitive, Burton. I'm just very unhappy about what Louisa's going through, thanks to your son." "Ah, Caroline – Nicholas – he told me he asked her to stay, and she wouldn't. And he didn't know...didn't know about Louisa's pregnancy." Burton felt protective of Nicholas' reputation and character. "Being asked to stay, is miles away from something committal, isn't it Burton? As far as I can see, Nick was trying to have his cake and eat it too. Louisa was good company for him, so long as it caused him no inconveniences." remarked Caroline wryly. "Ah…I wanted to talk to you about that, Caroline. Nick is on his way over to San Francisco right now, as we speak." "Right now?" asked Caroline somewhat incredulously. "Yes" Burton chuckled a little at how taken aback Caroline was. "That's right. Right now." "Well...what does he expect to accomplish by coming here? I mean, she's in hospital. I doubt she would want to see him." "My thoughts exactly." "Oh I see…and you're calling to see if I'll send him back to you, Burton?" Burton realised the purpose of his call wasn't sounding very good. "Yes." he replied sheepishly. "There are some very important things he will be neglecting…" "Don't you worry about a thing, Burton! Caroline hissed. "The second I see Nick, I'll kick his butt right back to Pittsburgh! And if I ever see your egg bald face out here – I'll kick your butt back right back into the snake pit you slithered out of! I'll make damn sure no Fallins have an opportunity to pollute the atmosphere around here!" Caroline slammed down the phone down and hung up on him. She went to fix herself a martini. An hour later, the doorbell rang, and Caroline went to answer it. She stood inside the door, and called out suspiciously: "Who's there?" "It's Nick." Nick was feeling weary and his suitcase was weighed heavily on his arm, but he was closing in on his target. He felt great patience in his heart. "Nick, your father called. He wants you to go back to Pittsburgh. Lulu doesn't want to see you." answered Caroline stiffly. "Is that what she said?" Nick's asked, feeling hurt, nonetheless skeptical that Lulu would say that. "You can't help her Nick. She lost the baby, and she wants to forget it - and you." "Caroline, listen. I don't want to have to phone every hospital at this time of night, but I will if I have to. I'm going to see her. If she tells me to leave, then I will." Caroline realised Nick was not going to go away anytime soon. She opened the door. "You're making a mistake, Nicholas." "You can call me "Nick", Caroline - that's generally what people call me." Nick was trying with great difficulty to suppress his irritated, frustrated feelings, now that Caroline had opened the door. However, he deeply disliked her calling him Nicholas, and could not remain silent about it. "Your father calls you Nicholas." Caroline countered coolly, heading into the living room of the somewhat smaller, but tasteful apartment that was now Lulu's home. Immediately he espied a picture of himself on Lulu's side table. It was framed. "I…didn't know Lulu even had this picture of me…" "Are you saying you don't know how much she cared about you?" asked Caroline pointedly. "I asked her to stay." replied Nick defensively. "What reasons did you give her?' "It's not your business." Nick retorted, clamming up quickly. "My daughter's happiness is definitely my business, Nicholas – Nick." Caroline chided. "She knows I love her." Nick responded defiantly. "She knows that when the going gets tough, you're going to tell her to "stop making it everyone else's problem! - that's what she knows." Nick gulped. He knew Caroline was right. He had been hard on Lulu. But didn't she understand when he finally told her that he loved her, how much she meant? How could she not realize how much he cared? "I love her Caroline. I didn't want her to leave." It was getting easier for him to say everytime he said it. "Honestly." He lowered his face slightly, and searched for a place to sit down finally. "You've got a strange way of showing it." Caroline looked at him appraisingly. She could see so clearly how her daughter could vaccilate over someone like Nick. He was a difficult measure. Hard to read. "Would you like something to drink?" offered Caroline, becoming the consummate hostess, now that she had largely laid down her sword – for the evening at least. "Ah, no...ah...sure! – anything's fine." Nick smiled weakly. "Anything? Better to have some preferences, Nick. Having no preferences is a sure way to land up in 12-step programs!" Caroline wisecracked. "Uh...yes." smiled Nick for the first time. He was impressed with how Caroline could wield her arrows sometimes. "Yes to...?" "Tequila, please, if you have it" "With ice?" "Without." Caroline returned with drinks and placed them on the coffee table. She sat on the couch right next to Nick. So close in fact, that her knees touched his outer leg. She turned to face him directly. "Look me right in the eyes, Nick!" He found it impossible to avert himself from her forceful gaze, and he felt intensely thirsty. "Now you tell me – and don't you dare lie to me – you tell me that you care about my little girl, and that you're not going to say or do anything to hurt her when you go and see her!" Caroline paused momentarily to catch her breath: "I want you to tell me that you're going to do EVERYTHING in your power to make her feel better if I tell you where she is. I want you to say it right now to me! Right here and now." Her tone was adamant. "I'm going to do everything I can." answered Nick, perspiring and even more thirsty than before. His throat felt like it was strangling him, and that he might choke. But he stopped himself from reaching for the glass. "She's at Langley Porter Psychiatric" Caroline answered. "Psychiatric?" Nick's saliva finally started to flow again a little, in spite of the startling news. "She tried to take too many sleeping pills." Caroline eyes focused inward briefly. "Oh God!" Nick uttered in a tiny whisper. He was shrinking by the minute, as if he had taken an incredible shrinking pill. "Oh God!" he muttered again, feeling dry heaves coming on him. "Oh…" he began to choke and sob at the same time. Caroline got up to get him a glass of water and a cloth hankie, and returned to his side. "I'm afraid so, Nick! She's not had a good time of it since she decided to come out here to wait out her pregancy." Caroline explained slowly and patiently, as if to a child. "I don't understand. She never told me about the baby – why, why wouldn't she tell me??" Nick anguish was so deep, he was on the edge of heaving again. Caroline waited a couple of moments until Nick looked recovered enough to make sense of her next words. "She wasn't sure – she hadn't made up her mind about what she was going to do, and she didn't want you involved in the decision, since she didn't believe you really wanted her to be part of your life." "But how could she…" Nick was miles beyond comprehension. His stomach was still feeling punched. What Caroline told him made absolutely no sense. He wondered if Caroline had somehow gone mad. "Am I the father?' asked Nick, finding everything Caroline was telling him to be so unreal. "If I didn't think you cared, Nick, right now, I would slap you for asking that." snapped Caroline "You're right – I wasn't – it just somehow – how it could it be, and I didn't even know??" He began sobbing again, but this time reached for the water she had brought him. Caroline patted his knee comfortingly and then stroked his shoulder reassuringly. "We'll go and see her tomorrow." There was now some sympathy in Caroline's voice. "You go and unpack your things now. You can sleep in Lulu's room this evening." Nick was gradually recovering from his shock. "I don't mean to…I wasn't intending to impose…" Nick faltered. "That's fine, Nick. You're here and it's no bother. Please do go ahead." She indicated Lulu's room, pointing to a room outside the living room off to the left. Nick groped for the lightswitch and finding it, switched it on slowly. Immediately he could smell Lulu's scent throughout. It warmed him and comforted him, but left him feeling deeply lonely at the same time. There's so much I have to tell you Lulu, Nick thought to himself. He thought he would have difficulty falling asleep, but his jetlag had caught up with him. When he awoke early in the morning, he found himself atop her bed still dressed in all his clothes - he had not even removed his tie. He propped himself up on his arm and looked around the room slowly. It was then, that he noticed yet another picture of himself on her nighttable. ~ ~ ~ - Part 1 "Nick?" "Yeah?" replied Nick, anxiously awaiting awaiting a call back from Caroline, regarding Lulu's condition, following news of her spontaneous miscarriage. "It's Jessie." a gravelly, young voice was heard to say. "Jessie?! – I…I thought you were…" Nick stammered in surprise. "I'm...the doctor says I'm a lot better...I've been getting speech therapy, and..." "Jessie…ah…it's great to hear from you…I'm on my way to court – " Nick lied to spare his feelings "- but – where are you, and I'll come and see you tonight!" "Caw! That would be great!…I mean, that would be GREAT, Nick! - I'm on the acute care ward – B5. Anytime until 9:00! - See you then!!" Nick smiled inwardly, realising the Jesse was on the road to recovery, and in apparent good spirits. Dr. Payne had notified him a month before, that Jessie was making signficant progress, and would soon be transferred to a more active wing of the hospital, and that perhaps he would require Nick's consent for future treatments that he might have to undergo. Nick had felt a pang of apprehension, remembering what had happened to Leslie, during her heart surgery. He tried to banish the memory and not overreact. He reminded himself that Jessie's situation was different. But Lulu – that was another matter. She was in hospital in another city, within a year of her car accident. And she had had a miscarriage – a miscarriage he would not even have known about, if Caroline - very drunk - had not contacted him the night before, to tell him about it. He had briefly considered flying out to see her, but he knew it might anger his father. They had so many critical business and court obligations to cover in the next four days. He felt torn. "Dad…" Nick stammered breathlessly, finally dialing his father's number. "What is it, Nicholas? You sound out of breath…" "Dad, I'm leaving tomorrow for a few days – I'm flying to Berkeley – " "Nicholas!" Burton bellowed, "Are you out of your cottin' pickin' mind??" For once in your life, use your head! Use the brains God gave you - do you realize how much problem that would cause for the firm - for both us - further down the line – if you go taking off like this? We have some serious things to deal with over the next couple of days. That Lulu woman decided to leave you Nicholas, and you have to respect that decision! "Dad, she's in hospital…she miscarried our baby..." Nick began to sniffle, in spite of his best efforts. "Oh, my…" Burton was momentarily at a loss for words. "I didn't know...well, Nicholas, even so...she didn't decide to stay here with you, did she? She left you, because that was what she wanted to do – start a new life. "Dad, how can you even think of talking me out of this?" Nick croaked angrily. "I'm going..." . There was deep melancholy in his voice. With that, Nick hung up. "Nicholas! Nicholas…don't! Nicholas?" Finally, Burton realised his son had hung up on him ~ ~ ~ "Caroline? It's Burton." "Oh. Hello, Burton. Louisa's in hospital. She isn't here." she said rather dismissively. "Er.. yes…I just found that out from Nicholas." Burton replied cautiously. Caroline certainly didn't sound welcoming. "I'm so sorry to hear that Louisa is having problems." Burton continued. "Yes. Well, it's usually the woman who bears the burden in these situations, isn't it? That was probably my last chance for being a grandmother in a long time" Caroline stated, with a trace of sadness evident in the mostly matter-of-fact tone she had used imparting the information to him. "Er…" Burton wanted to avoid having Caroline not give him an opportunity to speak about Nicholas. "I know what you mean – it was a great loss for me, when Shannon was taken away from me. It felt like my last chance was disappearing on me, too." Burton shared this with her, with a measure of genuine glumness, engaging in some uncharacteristic sharing of his own loss, for the first time in a long time. "I guess even men get the brunt sometimes. I'm sorry I was so insensitive, Burton. I'm just very unhappy about what Louisa's going through, thanks to your son." "Ah, Caroline – Nicholas – he told me he asked her to stay, and she wouldn't. And he didn't know...didn't know about Louisa's pregnancy." Burton felt protective of Nicholas' reputation and character. "Being asked to stay, is miles away from something committal, isn't it Burton? As far as I can see, Nick was trying to have his cake and eat it too. Louisa was good company for him, so long as it caused him no inconveniences." remarked Caroline wryly. "Ah…I wanted to talk to you about that, Caroline. Nick is on his way over to San Francisco right now, as we speak." "Right now?" asked Caroline somewhat incredulously. "Yes" Burton chuckled a little at how taken aback Caroline was. "That's right. Right now." "Well...what does he expect to accomplish by coming here? I mean, she's in hospital. I doubt she would want to see him." "My thoughts exactly." "Oh I see…and you're calling to see if I'll send him back to you, Burton?" Burton realised the purpose of his call wasn't sounding very good. "Yes." he replied sheepishly. "There are some very important things he will be neglecting…" "Don't you worry about a thing, Burton! Caroline hissed. "The second I see Nick, I'll kick his butt right back to Pittsburgh! And if I ever see your egg bald face out here – I'll kick your butt back right back into the snake pit you slithered out of! I'll make damn sure no Fallins have an opportunity to pollute the atmosphere around here!" Caroline slammed down the phone down and hung up on him. She went to fix herself a martini. An hour later, the doorbell rang, and Caroline went to answer it. She stood inside the door, and called out suspiciously: "Who's there?" "It's Nick." Nick was feeling weary and his suitcase was weighed heavily on his arm, but he was closing in on his target. He felt great patience in his heart. "Nick, your father called. He wants you to go back to Pittsburgh. Lulu doesn't want to see you." answered Caroline stiffly. "Is that what she said?" Nick's asked, feeling hurt, nonetheless skeptical that Lulu would say that. "You can't help her Nick. She lost the baby, and she wants to forget it - and you." "Caroline, listen. I don't want to have to phone every hospital at this time of night, but I will if I have to. I'm going to see her. If she tells me to leave, then I will." Caroline realised Nick was not going to go away anytime soon. She opened the door. "You're making a mistake, Nicholas." "You can call me "Nick", Caroline - that's generally what people call me." Nick was trying with great difficulty to suppress his irritated, frustrated feelings, now that Caroline had opened the door. However, he deeply disliked her calling him Nicholas, and could not remain silent about it. "Your father calls you Nicholas." Caroline countered coolly, heading into the living room of the somewhat smaller, but tasteful apartment that was now Lulu's home. Immediately he espied a picture of himself on Lulu's side table. It was framed. "I…didn't know Lulu even had this picture of me…" "Are you saying you don't know how much she cared about you?" asked Caroline pointedly. "I asked her to stay." replied Nick defensively. "What reasons did you give her?' "It's not your business." Nick retorted, clamming up quickly. "My daughter's happiness is definitely my business, Nicholas – Nick." Caroline chided. "She knows I love her." Nick responded defiantly. "She knows that when the going gets tough, you're going to tell her to "stop making it everyone else's problem! - that's what she knows." Nick gulped. He knew Caroline was right. He had been hard on Lulu. But didn't she understand when he finally told her that he loved her, how much she meant? How could she not realize how much he cared? "I love her Caroline. I didn't want her to leave." It was getting easier for him to say everytime he said it. "Honestly." He lowered his face slightly, and searched for a place to sit down finally. "You've got a strange way of showing it." Caroline looked at him appraisingly. She could see so clearly how her daughter could vaccilate over someone like Nick. He was a difficult measure. Hard to read. "Would you like something to drink?" offered Caroline, becoming the consummate hostess, now that she had largely laid down her sword – for the evening at least. "Ah, no...ah...sure! – anything's fine." Nick smiled weakly. "Anything? Better to have some preferences, Nick. Having no preferences is a sure way to land up in 12-step programs!" Caroline wisecracked. "Uh...yes." smiled Nick for the first time. He was impressed with how Caroline could wield her arrows sometimes. "Yes to...?" "Tequila, please, if you have it" "With ice?" "Without." Caroline returned with drinks and placed them on the coffee table. She sat on the couch right next to Nick. So close in fact, that her knees touched his outer leg. She turned to face him directly. "Look me right in the eyes, Nick!" He found it impossible to avert himself from her forceful gaze, and he felt intensely thirsty. "Now you tell me – and don't you dare lie to me – you tell me that you care about my little girl, and that you're not going to say or do anything to hurt her when you go and see her!" Caroline paused momentarily to catch her breath: "I want you to tell me that you're going to do EVERYTHING in your power to make her feel better if I tell you where she is. I want you to say it right now to me! Right here and now." Her tone was adamant. "I'm going to do everything I can." answered Nick, perspiring and even more thirsty than before. His throat felt like it was strangling him, and that he might choke. But he stopped himself from reaching for the glass. "She's at Langley Porter Psychiatric" Caroline answered. "Psychiatric?" Nick's saliva finally started to flow again a little, in spite of the startling news. "She tried to take too many sleeping pills." Caroline eyes focused inward briefly. "Oh God!" Nick uttered in a tiny whisper. He was shrinking by the minute, as if he had taken an incredible shrinking pill. "Oh God!" he muttered again, feeling dry heaves coming on him. "Oh…" he began to choke and sob at the same time. Caroline got up to get him a glass of water and a cloth hankie, and returned to his side. "I'm afraid so, Nick! She's not had a good time of it since she decided to come out here to wait out her pregancy." Caroline explained slowly and patiently, as if to a child. "I don't understand. She never told me about the baby – why, why wouldn't she tell me??" Nick anguish was so deep, he was on the edge of heaving again. Caroline waited a couple of moments until Nick looked recovered enough to make sense of her next words. "She wasn't sure – she hadn't made up her mind about what she was going to do, and she didn't want you involved in the decision, since she didn't believe you really wanted her to be part of your life." "But how could she…" Nick was miles beyond comprehension. His stomach was still feeling punched. What Caroline told him made absolutely no sense. He wondered if Caroline had somehow gone mad. "Am I the father?' asked Nick, finding everything Caroline was telling him to be so unreal. "If I didn't think you cared, Nick, right now, I would slap you for asking that." snapped Caroline "You're right – I wasn't – it just somehow – how it could it be, and I didn't even know??" He began sobbing again, but this time reached for the water she had brought him. Caroline patted his knee comfortingly and then stroked his shoulder reassuringly. "We'll go and see her tomorrow." There was now some sympathy in Caroline's voice. "You go and unpack your things now. You can sleep in Lulu's room this evening." Nick was gradually recovering from his shock. "I don't mean to…I wasn't intending to impose…" Nick faltered. "That's fine, Nick. You're here and it's no bother. Please do go ahead." She indicated Lulu's room, pointing to a room outside the living room off to the left. Nick groped for the lightswitch and finding it, switched it on slowly. Immediately he could smell Lulu's scent throughout. It warmed him and comforted him, but left him feeling deeply lonely at the same time. There's so much I have to tell you Lulu, Nick thought to himself. He thought he would have difficulty falling asleep, but his jetlag had caught up with him. When he awoke early in the morning, he found himself atop her bed still dressed in all his clothes - he had not even removed his tie. He propped himself up on his arm and looked around the room slowly. It was then, that he noticed yet another picture of himself on her nighttable. ~ ~ ~ SO MUCH TO SAY – Part 2 "Please come this way, Mrs. Novak, Mr. Fallin…" The middle-aged, salt-and-pepper haired nurse led Caroline and Nick into an interview room, off the main hall. "Er…we came to see Louisa." said Nick, bothered that they were being led to an interview room. "When visitors first come here, and we have concerns Mr. Fallin, we like to brief our visitors," she informed him, in an uncompromising tone. Nurse Nixon was ever vigilant in ensuring that her visitors understood their responsibility in visiting a patient under her charge. "It is part of Ms. Archer's ongoing medical care." "Go ahead." spoke Caroline, anxious to hear what she had to say. "Well, Ms. Novak, as you are no doubt aware from your last two visits, Lulu is still quite depressed, despite the new medication we have her on. She does not communicate freely with the others here…" "Well, why isn't the doctor putting her on something else then?" interjected Nick. "It's not as simple as that Mr. Fallin – all medications have side-effects. We would prefer to try and let the current ones do their work, before other less pleasant medications are explored." Nick bristled at the word "explored", but Caroline shot Nick a glance which silenced him more quickly than any explanation from Nurse Nixon could have. Nurse Nixon continued: "Mr. Fallin, we are aware that Louisa – Lulu – was very attached to you before her suicide attempt. Lulu has discussed some of this with the team, in therapy. Nick said nothing. He wondered how long the lecture was going to last. "If you have any upsetting news for her today, Mr. Fallin, it might not hurt to wait awhile with it. Other than that, may I suggest that you keep the conversation as upbeat as possible, and not press her to make any difficult decisions today. "No. No. I only learned of her being here, yesterday. I'm here to help her" Nick said appeasingly, privately annoyed at being chastised like a child, but keen to do the right thing anyway. "That's good." replied the nurse, smiling at him for the first time. "You'll find her in the art room or the recreation area . She's just finished her art therapy session for this morning, Our ward aide will take you to her now. Walking down the hall quietly with Caroline, Nick was grateful for the first time that he was not facing this alone. He glanced at some of the patients wandering around. Some of them looked at him strangely, often half-frightened. A couple of them smiled at him and one tried to mooch a cigarette from him, even though he did not carry any cigarettes on him, nor smoke. He did not know what to expect. Maybe Lulu wouldn't want to see him after all. . . "Hi Mom" said Lulu, looking at her mother with a rather lacklustre, indifferent expression. She wore a dark smock. "I just finished a…" Lulu realised for the first time that her mother had not come alone, as she saw Nick appear from behind her. "Nick???: Oh Mom! - I'm so embarassed!!! She turned away from both of them, and bending down low and grabbing her stomach, she huddled into a tight ball and began to cry. Then she began to rock herself, while she continued to cry. "Lulu!!!" Nick felt horrified that the sight of him had triggered her tears. He ran over and scooped her huddled body into her arms and squeezed her tightly, afraid she might run away, if he did not anchor himself to her and vice versa. He covered her with his arms and shoulders, and alternated between stroking and hugging her. He eventually embraced her tightly, and drew her arms into him. "Don't cry, Lulu" he whispered. A ward nurse walked in. "Everything okay, here?" Unflustered, Caroline replied for both of them: "Yes, everything's okay. Louisa is feeling emotional about her unexpected visitor." The nurse looked directly at Lulu. "Are you okay with this gentleman being here, Lulu?" Lulu looked up red-eyed at the nurse, finding it difficult to summon her voice. She snuffed hard and mumbled finally "Yeah." She managed a crooked smile and seeing the nurse was not convinced, continued "It's okay - really. It just caught me by surprise…" The nurse gave her a few more seconds, in case she had a change of heart. "I guess I'll leave you folks alone for about half an hour. After that, Lulu is scheduled for an interview with her physician." With that, she turned and headed toward the door. "Excuse me" said Caroline, moving to catch up with her – "I think I'd like to speak with the doctor myself if I could…" She followed the nurse into the hallway, intent on arranging a meeting through her. "Lulu?" implored Nick, still embracing her but relaxing his grip. "Lulu, I'll go if you want me to - but I don't want to go - I want to stay with you." He buried his face in her neck, where she felt his hot breath on her. Having him close to her like that just made her feel all the more ashamed and guilty. "I made such a mess of everything…" Lulu sniffled. "Sh-sh-sh-sh!" Nick whispered solemnly. He pulled her tightly to him again, wanting desperately for her to feel better. "I did! I just messed everything up. Now I don't even…" Lulu began sobbing again. "Lulu, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry! I just want see get better – get out of here." implored Nick earnestly. "Just put your head here…" he enfolded her head into his chest as if comforting a baby" where I can watch you." He pulled her into his bosom even more tightly, when she allowed him to draw her in toward him. "Lulu, I love you. Please believe me. I love you." he pleaded, his voice cracking . He remembered the pictures of him in her apartment. "I want us to start fresh – put all the stupid and bad stuff behind us" "It's not possible." answered Lulu, from a place of deep despair. "I'll make it possible." replied Nick. "I will make it possible. I promise." He hugged her tightly again. ~ ~ ~ Nick visited her daily for almost the balance of the week. Lulu was often quiet, but she seemed to be content to allow Nick to hug and hold her. They would often go to the lounge to watch TV quietly, sitting closely together on the imitation leather couch. The other patients for the most part left them alone, as they seemed to speak little and were off in their own space together. On Thursday, as lunchtime approached, a nurse came over to where Nick was sitting and asked invited him to come down and speak with her at the nurses' station. "You wanted to discuss something?" Nick asked in his usual direct way. "Yes, Mr. Fallin," affirmed the grey-haired nurse. "Lulu is making some progress. She's interacting more with the staff and the patients. But quite honestly, I don't think she's ready for discharge. I was wondering what sort of things you've been noticing about her behaviour? "Er.." Nick was somewhat proud to be consulted, but primarily thinking about the nurse's question. What escaped his notice, was that the nurse was conducting her own private appraisal of him, before her scheduled meeting with Lulu's physician, before rounds the following morning. "She's a lot quieter than usual. She's not feeling very optimistic about the future. But she's better than when I first got here." "She seems much happier when you're here." It pleased Nick to hear this. "But when you leave, you seem to take the room with you." added the nurse. "Ah...she's had a bad year." elaborated Nick cautiously. "Her marriage didn't work out, and she was in a car accident." "Yes, well things like that are what we hear about here all the time. Her mother – does she have a substance abuse problem?" "Caroline?" Don't we all? Nick was tempted to say, but realised full well, this was neither the time nor the place. "She…I can't say really. Perhaps she likes to drink a bit." "And what about you? Are you able to be there for Lulu, if we discharge her?" "I…I live in another city." Nick was appreciating the complexity of the situation for the first time. "But I could phone her every day – if she came back to Pittsburgh…there would be no problem at all." "Daily phonecalls would be better than nothing, Mr. Fallin." concurred the nurse. Nick's wheels turned hard for the rest evening. ~ ~ ~ "Lulu?" Nick lifted Lulu's chin gently. It was Friday. They had not moved out of her room to the lounge this morning. "What's the matter, Nick? You sound like something's wrong." Lulu looked worried. "Lulu, I want you to come back to Pittsburgh and live with me. I want to look after you." "Back to Pittsburgh! Hm-m. Let's see: I'll be a housekeeper while you go out and do "corporate" - and then what?' "We'll be TOGETHER Lulu. We'll start fresh." "How? Alvin doesn't want me at LSP. I can't ask my mother to uproot and move again." "Lulu, it's not about Alvin and Caroline – it's about us! We can do it. I know we can." "Your father thinks I'm a fallen woman that's trying to ball and chain you …" "Lulu, stop it!" Nick was almost angry. "He doesn't feel that way at all!" "I bet he's going crazy right now, that you're here instead of Pittsburgh!" Lulu had finally struck a nerve. "Okay" Nick conceded, "Sure, he's not thrilled that I've taken some time away – but this isn't about him either!" This remark impressed Lulu. Some light seemed to return to her eyes. "You don't have to decide right now. I'm not going to pressure you. But I have to go back in a week – I can tell your mother doesn't much like cooking for us – " With this, Lulu giggled for the first time, since Nick had visited. "She…she's so bad, isn't she?" Lulu seemed to find this almost hysterical, and continued to giggle. "She burns toast almost every time, she microwaves things until the plastic melts…" Nick was happy to see her smile return. "Tell me, you'll think about it Lulu. Just say you'll think about it! I want us to be together a month from now Lulu. I can't bear the thought of us being apart." "Miss the sex that much, huh?' On seeing Nick's shocked expression, she began to laugh, and her eyes once again lit up with the special sparkle Nick loved so much. It seared his heart, and left him speechless. He hadn't realized how much his whole body had been aching for her for the past few months, and now at her teasing mention of sex, he felt his blood rush southward so quickly, he wondered how he might even be able to find enough presence of mind to talk. "Cat got your tongue?' teased Lulu some more. "Lulu! Be serious for a minute!" he finally spoke. He didn't dare blow things over some wisecrack that she wasn't ready for. "We could even set up our own law firm, if that's what you would like. Or – what would you like? You haven't said what you would like!" His tone was accommodating. Clearly he wanted to work things out with her, please her. He looked so vulnerable, thought Lulu. So sincere. And if she were honest with herself, it scared her, after all the foolish decisions she had made. She couldn't avoid distancing herself from him a little, and continued to tease him. "C'mon now! You know you wha-a-a-n-t it!" she giggled some more. Nick was having difficulty not being drawn into her horseplay. He felt hot under his collar. She boldly drew her smock up above her hips, where to his amazement, he discovered that she wore no underwear. She twisted herself around until her back was to him, and wiggled her bare tush teasingly in front of him. "Lulu…" he stammered. His entire body turned crimson. As she turned to look at him from the corner of her eye, she saw his heat and immediately felt her own course through her until it settled in her cheeks and eyes. Nick saw it, and knew that look. "Oh God" he murmured, unzipping himself more quickly than he thought possible. He quickly pulled the hospital curtain around the bed area, and fished for his plastic "baby blocker", finding it on the first grope into his deep pant pocket. ~ ~ ~ SO MUCH TO SAY – Part 3 "Did it occur to you that staff & security might be patrolling the wards, in a place like this, Mr. Fallin?" asked Nurse Nixon tersely, interrogating Nick in a manner more intimidating than a prosecutor's. "Em…I thought that with drawing the curtains…" he answered charily, hoping she did not intend to make too big a deal of it. "- that was quite the show you that you and Lulu put on for our new nursing student! Luckily, she was able to assess the situation, before she went ahead and called security and we had more of a fiasco," said Nurse Nixon reproachfully. She compressed her thin lips disapprovingly. Nick felt quite stripped down by Nurse Nixon's disdainful tone, despite finding it difficult to understand why patients on the ward could not be left their moments of privacy behind a curtain, without interruption or disturbance. Then his mind flashed back helplessly, to Lulu's piercing, heated cries of passion, and he blushed – hoping against hope that Nurse Nixon had not noticed the change. But he knew she had, as she continued to stare him down unflinchingly. He reluctantly conceded to himself that a nursing student – even a trained nurse - could have mistaken those sounds for something much more dire. "…as if we don't have enough problems to deal with around here, Mr. Fallin! -" Nurse Nixon continued officiously, while searching for something misplaced on her desk. She looked up at him again and added sourly "I suggest you and Lulu give some thought as well, to how you might have impacted on any patients wandering around here. People aren't admitted into here because everything is "hunky-dory" in their lives! – a lot of them have sexual and intimacy issues. Your behavior certainly wasn't improving their milieu." Her uniform, Nick noted, did not appear to have a crease or wrinkle in it. Her harsh voice had seemed to go on forever. "Yes ma'am." was the only thing that Nick found himself able to muster. It was reminiscent of being hauled up in front of a headmistress. He couldn't remember the last time someone had presumed the right to address him like an errant schoolboy, not even in boarding school. Although in his estimation, jailhouse body searches would have to run very high on his list of worst humiliations in front of strangers, too. Nick wanted to leave; the sooner the better. And although he knew she was right, he also knew if he had to do it over again, consideration for unnamed patients would still have been very low on his list! Heck, I'm giving Lulu better therapy than any of you drug baronesses! he thought. Ok, Fallin, calm down. She's just a frustrated nurse, covering her butt. Maybe I should cover my own a little more thoroughly next time. "Enough said, I take it?" With that, Nurse Nixon opened her newfound Nurses' Drug Reference Manual and began flipping through it. Nick discovered he had suddenly at last, been dismissed. ~ ~ ~ It was Nick's last day at Lulu's apartment with Caroline. His father had called him twice that week, to urge him to come home as soon as possible. "Nicholas, Lulu has her mother, to watch out for her – she cares a lot about Lulu. You've got to come back sometime, and I don't mind tellin' ya - sooner would be much better for everyone. What do you think is going to happen if your probation officer gets wind of this? What good will you be to Lulu then?' Burton asked him, trying to control his frustration with Nicholas' behavior. His father was making sense. Nick also realized he had made his father absorb a lot of pressure in his absence. "I know Dad. I'm catching the early flight in tomorrow. I know I said that before, but I'm coming back definitely, this time. Thanks for covering what I should have been doing." Surprised at his son's conciliatory tone, Burton felt assuaged, and replied not unkindly: "And I think ya better get a hold of Alvin right away, too. He's called me twice now. I didn't tell him much - didn't think it was my place – let you take care of that…." "Thanks, Dad." Nick hung up quietly. His father sounded more patient and understanding than the night he had broken the news to him about leaving town for a few days. He was glad there seemed to be some fence mending between them.. ~ ~ ~ "Where on earth do you come up with these words, Lulu!?" asked Nick in disbelief. They were both sprawled out prone on Nick's living room carpet, playing "Scrabble", a popular word game. It was the first time since boarding school that Nick had allowed himself to be drawn into such a non-lucrative mental exercise - if you excluded school lessons, and moot court. Lulu was beating him hands down. "I had a lot of time in the hospital to sharpen up, and my mom brought in a pocket dictionary…" beamed Lulu, delighted that she had now that she engineered yet another 50-point bonus for herself. She rolled over in his direction and swung her arm around his back lightly, rubbing him playfully. "Hey! No peeking!" Nick tried to glower at her convincingly, but the corners of his eyes gave him away. "Can't blame a girl for trying!" Lulu smirked at him. But she was starting to lose interest in the game - right about the time Nick was finally starting to get interested in it, He had only gone along with it initially, because Lulu had seemed enthused about the idea. The hospital staff had told him: "keep it light for awhile". He was not taking any chances. "No way, Legal Beagle! – you've spelled "monetery" wrong! It's with an "A"!" Lulu chimed.. Nick had just finished laying down his letter tiles in what he thought would tip the score in his favor. "An "A", eh? You're making that up just to win, aren't you?" He poked her tummy to emphasize his point. He saw her looking hungrily at him. "You just won't stop at anything will you?" he poked some more. "Anything to win…" "OKAY! - Use an "E"! - See if I care. I'm feeling generous today. You can't even beat me when you misspell!" Lulu grinned devilishly. "What kind of a sassy tomato have I invited in here?" Nick muttered to himself, as if no one were there to listen to his grumble. "The kind you better take good care of." answered Lulu, watching him, looking slightly doe-eyed. "Just don't burn the toast." quipped Nick. He then drew his knee up and leaned forward on his right haunch, as if to kiss her on her face. As she leaned forward to meet him, he quickly swung himself under her arm, wrapped her body across his back and elevated himself. She felt herself being lifted off the ground, and carried like a wounded soldier. "Whoah!" she hollered in surprise. "What are you doing?" "Releasing you from Scrabble - let's go to the kitchen where we can talk" "You mean where I can cook." "Like I said – let's go to the kitchen where you can make us up some "legal beagle" chow." "So, what's up?" "For starters, my dad's invited us out this weekend for dinner at Del Fortino's." "The idea of being out with your dad. . ." Lulu was already feeling uneasy. "I'm a little nervous about that. I'm not saying no, but –" "But what?" "I know you stood Kim up there and I guess I'd just feel more comfortable if…" "- Lulu, I stood Kim up because I was…I was more worried about your stalker…I went to watch your place that night." "Oh." Lulu was a loss for words. She felt she had put her foot in it again. Nick watched become quiet and withdraw into herself. "I didn't know." "I know. I never told you. But forget about Del Fortino's - I doubt my dad's hung up on that idea. We'll go somewhere else." "Okay." replied Lulu very quietly. Nick thought she was being abnormally quiet. "Lulu, what's wrong?" he asked after a long pause between them. "Nothing." she answered, fiddling with the curtain hems. "You can tell me now or you can tell me AFTER I've tortured you – take your pick." he said, determined not to take silence from her. "So what happened between you and Kim, anyway?" she looked up at him, watching for signs of how he felt about Kim and their relationship.. "You." Nick answered expressionlessly, glancing briefly at her, looking for signs of her reaction. He then proceeded briskly over to the fridge to purvey its contents. "Oh." Lulu sounded less anxious, but her uneasiness persisted. "What else do you want to know?" asked Nick with his back toward her, noticing her unenthusiastic "oh", as he stooped to examine a lower shelf. To Lulu, he sounded uncharacteristically patient. "Are you still seeing that therapist – you know – the one you had to go to because of the cell phone?" She wished he would turn around to face her. "Why do you ask?' He twisted around now on his haunches to look at her, guardedly. "Because you're different." Lulu replied. "Different how?' He closed the fridge and uprighted himself, after deciding there was nothing inspiring that he could a see a good meal in.. "I don't know – you seem to be able to hear me, more. You aren't running from me when I have a bad feeling. Remember at the Incline when I wanted someone to talk to? "Yeah?" He sat down at the table again. He was relieved that she had shifted the conversation away from Kim. He felt it to be a landmine topic, in Lulu's condition. He didn't want to discuss Kim anyway. "I feel like if I asked you that now, you would let me talk. You would listen." Lulu explained. "Yeh, I am still seeing him, matter of fact." Nick stared at his knuckles, feeling somewhat tense. He returned to the table and sat down again.. She waited until he seemed to relax a bit more. "What do you think? Think it's helping? Lulu asked him. "I think he makes an awful lot of money for saying, "just a thought" twice an hour." Nick wisecracked, smiling at her self-consciously. "Pretty outrageous fees. Those guys are almost as bad as lawyers!" commiserated Lulu, with the irony of her comment not lost on either of them. "Seriously? - as much as I don't like to admit it, it's…it's like.. I feel like my life is as bizarre as ever - just a different brand is all. Now, I find myself having to waste my time politely trying to wiggle out of conversations like these, instead of just leaving the room!" He grimaced for emphasis, to garner some of her sympathy. "More open?" Lulu suggested. "I guess so." Nick felt himself closing up, and Lulu sensed the clam shell in him ready to close. "What about you? What was your head shrink like?" Nick asked, curious now about the man who had orchestrated her care for a few weeks. "She was hardly ever there." "A "her"?' Nick had just assumed a man would be in charge of her care. "Yeah, a "her" - she was just basically a signatory. The nurses run the place, really." said Lulu, feeling a bit of hunger herself now. "That Nurse Nixon's an axe, isn't she?" commented Nick, looking sheepish just thinking about the post-coital lecture she had given him. Lulu laughed. "Do you know she held a special staff meeting about it?" "Oh, God." Nick groaned. "Don't they have a life?" "Seriously. She got a group of nurses, aides, a representative from the security company, and the doctor, and she had an agenda where they all talked about hammering out a floor policy, or a hospital wide policy on sexual conduct of visitors and patients, and how to respond if there was a suspected rape and…" "Don't tell me anymore. I don't know if I can take it…" "And listen to this Nick – she suggested role-playing in front of the group, so that they could tell the difference between consensual and rape sex before deciding to dial 9-1-1" "You're making that up." He hoped desperately she was making it up. "I'm making that up." twinkled Lulu, pleased that she now had his rapt attention. "But seriously, we did wind up doing a lot of role-playing there. I think it was one of the biggest eye openers for me." "Your eyes look pretty open to me." With that, Nick touched his finger to Lulu's eyelid. She reflexively squeezed it shut. He leaned forward and touched his lips lightly to hers for brief seconds. He then drew back. and looked at her. She opened her eyes again, looking at him somewhat puzzled. Again, he touched her eyelid, and she shut her eyes again, beginning to tremble this time. He leaned forward again and touched his lips to hers ever so slowly. She felt his strong warm breathe on her nose. She waited expectantly, breathing uneasily. She felt three fingers and a thumb very lightly grasp both sides of her jaw. She tried to anticipate when his warmth would close in more. But neither face moved. She then heard a punctuated groan growl from deep from his throat. It reminded her of a lion pacing listlessly in its lair. His warm hand enclosed itself over her tightly clenched fist. As she relaxed it a bit, he maneuvered his fingers deftly between hers. She next began to feel his soft wetness introduce itself lightly slightly off center of her lips. Her lips burned in answer to this. The wetness continued inward slowly between her lips, like a visitor knocking, coaxing her to an unknown place. She felt a moan rise from her own belly and slide out of her mouth like a light beam. She parted her teeth a little, to allow the visitor entry. She felt more of his hot breath on her cheek. But the wet visitor stopped, and waited for a few moments. It waited for her to greet it, and finding no reception, it insinutated itself further and caressed her teeth lightly. It then glided forward until it came up against her her own tongue. Startled, she drew her tongue back. Undeterred, the stranger slid forward past her tongue to the back of her inner cheek. At the same time she felt a finger circling lightly on the outside of her cheek. The titillation in her cheek was so intense, tears welled up in her. Saliva began to stream from everywhere inside her mouth.. She inhaled his body scent as it drifted upward. It awakened an even deeper longing in her. She took in another deep breath and slid her hand over his, guiding it to her stomach, where he began to pet and probe her skin gently and reverently. He soon inched his way up, and inched his way back down. Every casual stroke of his fingers caused her stomach to ripple and ache with desire. She held her breath for a long time. But eventually she relaxed and began to breath again. He drew his tongue back through her teeth, and nudged softly against the their ridges. She opened her mouth wider. He braced his hand on the back of her head, where she immediately leaned into its warmth and nestled into it. He withdrew his tongue completely, forming an "O" with his mouth. He moved quickly forward now, and nipped her in the area of her dimple. She relaxed in spite herself. He moved forward again and insinuated his tongue into her dimple. She was about to speak, when he hovered over to her other dimple and licked it languidly a couple of time. No longer able to contain herself, she reflexively sought his open mouth with her own, and connected with it for the briefest of instants. He drew back again from her and paused. His eyes locked into hers as he held her head, remaining motionless. They looked wildly at her. Mesmerized by his fixed stare, she began to pant softly, never taking her eyes off him. Her desire had crossed over and metamorphosed into a craving need for his wet touch. He drank in her wanton look with his eyes, like a good hit of crack. He salivated heavily and listened: her panting ordained him a choirmaster. He would take her as he had never taken her before, he decided. He would conduct and lead to her to sing her highest, fastest notes. He would do it one leisurely lick at time. He would teach her to need him. To serve him. And to never, ever think of leaving him. ~ ~ ~ "Nick, you haven't said much! Your father and I have been doing all the talking so far." smiled Lulu, a little concerned over Nick's stark quietness during their night out, sitting at a table Burton had reserved for them for in a cosy, but obviously expensive restaurant which served some of Pittsburgh's finest cuisine. "That's right son – you haven't told us what San Francisco was like for you?" said Burton, trying to draw him out. He dabbed himself with his napkin and set it aside, to listen. Nick's memories of San Francisco when he wasn't with Lulu, were mostly of Caroline. He immediately censored her as an appropriate topic of conversation. "It was – well, it seemed – friendlier, sort of. I guess." He didn't see himself as delivering anything of interest to the conversation. "My mother really dug it – I was surprised. I thought she'd have a lot of things to say about too many hills – you know – but I think she found it friendly, too." Lulu enjoined, looking brighter and happier than she had in a long time. Her upbeat mood was not lost on Burton, who had worried that his son and Louisa never looked like they were having a good time together. Burton added, "Well, I've never been there, but I hear a lot of positive comments – of course that could be for reasons other than the cafés and the scenery - if you know what I mean…" A smirk accompanied his last comment. "Dad!" Nick chimed in finally, letting his guard down more, " - that's politically incorrect these days. I hope you're not going to go saying that at a client dinner!" "Ah..well, Nicholas – I think your old man can still tell the difference between clients and family, don't you?" he chuckled, and looked to Lulu for support. Lulu felt pleased to be referred to as "family". Nick also felt pleased that Burton seemed to be more accepting of Lulu, and not just spreading the Fallin charm around like too much butter. He reached across the side of the tablecloth, and took Lulu's hand into his. "Dad? Lulu's moving in with me! We're officially a couple as of tonight" announced Nick proudly. "When's the wedding?" asked Burton bluntly. "Whenever we get around to negotiating the prenuptial arrangements." replied Nick swiftly. "Prenuptial arrangement?" Burton asked, genuinely shocked. "Just kidding, dad. I don't think our dynasty has moved into that stage yet." jibed Nick. "Oh, I see." Burton realized Nicholas had sidestepped his question with humor. He's getting to be too much like me, he thought, never thinking there would be a day he would feel that way - and rue it. "- So, just sitting back then -- and taking a long, hard look first!" "Something like that,." answered Nick cryptically. Lulu glanced up at Nick's face, searching out his expression, but it told her nothing. ~ ~ ~ "Lulu, it's Kim." Kim's voice sounded grave and edgy. Under layers of police training Lulu thought she heard deep fear. "What's the matter, Kim?" asked Lulu with great concern. She had never heard Kim's voice sound so grim. "I found out your number from Burton, when I called him, because your number was disconnected at your old place." "Yeah. I moved to San Francisco for awhile. You sound like something's wrong," "Ron's kidnapped Matty. I don't know where Matty is! I can't go home. I'm too upset." "Oh God, Kim. That's horrible! Come over right now. We'll brainstorm on things we can do." "You're living with Nick now, right?" Lulu realized she had made a huge blunder in her place of invitation. "Do you want to meet in a public place, or? Lulu asked, trying to recover the situation. "I don't care Lulu! I'm so upset I can barely think!" "C'mon over then. Nick's not here. But if he were, I'm sure he'd understand!" ~ ~ ~ "Er...Kim?…hi…." Nick had just walked in the door, not prepared to see Kim there, and definitely not prepared to see her sitting at his kitchen table, heads together with Lulu. "Hi, cowboy, Kim said to him unsmiling, but without apparent animosity "- my kid's missing. Will you help?" Noticing Kim's tear-stained eyes for the first time, he was taken aback. "Er – sure!! ~~End of Part 3~~ So Much to Say - Part 4 Nick was not in the habit of putting his feet up on his desk. It was Saturday morning however, and having wrapped up an especially difficult case the previous day, he was feeling unusually relaxed as he sat in his den, reviewing an article about an old LSP client in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. Tilted back in his chair, he munched on an apple while he did this – Lulu had gone on a fridge stocking spree the evening before, which had included a lot of fresh fruit. He had welcomed this grocery change, since his usual bachelor fare consisted of that which was microwaveable or reheatable. His pragmatism had led him to avoid the foods which tended to wither from a few days of inevitable neglect. "That was good of you to represent Kim in court against her husband." commented Lulu as she poked her head around the corner somewhat hesitantly, breaking the silence of the moment. She eyed him surreptitiously, admiring his dark blue cords and light blue T-shirt and the way they seemed to accent his green eyes and blond hair, conferring a look of innocence and tranquility on him. He pulled himself away from his reading and studied her face briefly. He tried to conceal the fact that the mention of Kim made him bristle a little inwardly. Lulu did not appear to notice. "No big deal." responded Nick offhandedly. "Problem is, if the guy hasn't got the message…none of this is good for Matty, either." he responded clinically. "No, it sure isn't." she concurred, noting that this was the first time she had heard Nick verbalize a personal interest in a child even though they had both worked extensively with children at LSP. She had tried to avoid wondering what thoughts Nick might have about raising children, because the subject was still too painful for her to contemplate, following her miscarriage. The only emotional salve she knew of to make it through her grief, was to fill her days with as much activity as possible. She had found that practicing her yoga fastidiously helped. And of course, burrowing into Nick's arms at night in bed at night when he would stroke her hair gently until she fell asleep – this had been the single most healing balm for her. It had managed to keep her thoughts of self-harm at bay. "Did you get to know Matty?" Lulu inquired. She could not suppress her interest in knowing how much interest Nick had in children, or in Matty in particular, because of his relationship to Kim. She was searching for clues, having learned that asking questions of Nick like "Do you like kids?" were more or less equivalent to asking a CIA agent to grace her with vital national secrets. "Just inferring. I mean it's no good when there's a tug of war, is it? Then kids get to feeling like they have to take sides. And they're helpless in all of it." His hypothetical stance told Lulu little except that Nick was not ready to go further on the subject of Matty today. "Yeah," Lulu concurred. "It's so unfair that they get pulled into a battle they have absolutely no control over. It must hurt so much to see your parents fighting if you're a really young kid." She related easily to the plight of such children, having seen so many bitter parents using their children as pawns in their custody battles, and seen the fright in the eyes of those children as they sat in court awaiting their hurtful fate helplessly while their parents glowered, yelled invectives, or treated each other like strangers each other. There was a long pause, as Nick glanced quickly at Lulu's concerned expression, down the length of her slim, shapely body, and then back into her eyes again appraisingly. He felt it did no good for Lulu to dwell on such subjects in her condition. It was not what she needed at this time – to dwell on helpless, hopeless situations. She needed victories. Going back to work in time, she would confront helplessness soon enough. As well, in her white bathrobe, she was looking delicious enough to devour. "What?" she asked, with a hint of a smile playing at the corner of her mouth, as she saw a twinkle in his eyes emerge.. "Nothing." replied Nick dismissively, implying his thoughts were of no importance. "What are you doing right now?" "I was going to go and wash my hair." "Want some company?" His face wore a vulnerable expression. He felt keen to tag along. "I won't be able to hear you over the water running." Lulu replied, a little incredulously. It felt a little too casual for her. "I could just help you wash it." Nick answered helpfully, hoping she wouldn't refuse him. "It's not a exactly two-person activity exactly, Nick." Lulu answered, a little embarrassed at the idea. "Then I could do it for you." he replied, undeterred, awakening to the realization that he had a friend staying with him that he could trust, a friend to do things with – even if she were a female friend. Someone with whom he could even play. Shyly, Lulu relented, still feeling somewhat putt off about surrendering her grooming privacy to him. But Nick seemed relaxed about the idea, and she could find no rational-sounding reason to object. "Okay. But if water starts running all over…" "Relax, Lulu. It's not rocket science." he answered smoothly, a little taken aback at her reluctance and concern. He sensed her shyness, but realized as well, that a little bit of "take command" usually went down well with her. At a loss for words, inwardly shrugging at his continued interest, she began to walk upstairs. He followed her closely. She resisted the temptation to look back and reveal her discomfort – no, plain nervousness was more like it - again. After all, they had shared things much more intimate. Why did she feel such trepidation? Lulu wondered. It had been about six weeks since Lulu's discharge from Langley Porter Psychiatric, when Nick had brought her back to live with him. She had felt somewhat numb when she had arrived, the whole situation having seemed a little surreal. She realized deep down that she didn't really know Nick, in an everyday sense but what she knew was that she loved him more than life itself, and that suddenly he was there for her. This had left swinging about wildly in her emotions from ecstactic to despairing, from frightened to grateful, and from caring deeply to steely indifference. The one thing she seemed to have lost was her emotional compass. It had somehow gone with the death of their unborn baby. Nick seemed to still have his and he had been treating her like fragile glass. It was sometimes nice, sometimes unnerving and sometimes - just plain irritating. Lulu was used to being independent, and not being fussed over. Brian was normally too busy in his surgical duties to do anything except appreciate the fact that she fully capable of looking after herself, emotionally and otherwise. But something that had been very compensatory for his doting behavior was Nick's warm attention and affection. It did not always penetrate her numbness, but it gave her hope that there might be a time when it would. Misjudging him as someone cold and unfeeling, she was unused to seeing him behave in caring ways – or more likely, she chided herself, she had simply not paid enough attention. She was also beginning to learn how strong a wall he kept between his personal and professional life. There was the way he spoke with her and acted with her, and then there was the Nick-the-lawyer way that he related everyone else - with the exception of a couple of people he seemed to have a certain fondness for. She was seeing a side of Nick that other people, not even his father, Burton, got to see – a more carefree, caring, warm and vulnerable side, which disappeared the minute he put on his suit jacket and grabbed his briefcase and walked out the door in the mornings. She still felt deep guilt over her misjudging of him and his intentions. ~ ~ ~ Arriving at the bathroom, she eyed the fresh smelling towels she had placed on the towel racks the day before. While momentarily distracted by this, Nick's arm reached out from behind and twisted around, leaning into her lightly, as he plugged the sink and began twisting the taps on. The feel of his strong arm was somehow reassuring, and she tipped her head forward without being asked, while he rolled up his sleeves. "Warm enough?" he yelled, cupping some water and trailing it over her scalp. "Yup!" answered affirmatively She felt his fingers begin to move briskly through her hair, as drops of shampoo landed on the back and side of her head, along with warm water. She found his touch reassuring. Positioned with his hip and stomach bent slightly over her, Nick's proximity to her body started his hip area tingling. he thought to himself, preferring not to dwell on the growing warmth that his lower torso was pulsing up from time to time. As soon as he began massaging it through her hair, her mind began to wander. Having someone else shampoo her hair left her feeling childlike and protected. She began to relax, and her mind began to drift, as she often had as a child, when she had been the consummate daydreamer. She remembered a time when her mother had been arguing loudly with her second husband. She had waited patiently for her mother to come up and wash her hair, before she went to bed, but she had been drinking and forgotten about her. Watching them cautiously from the top of the stairs, she could hear their bickering clearly. It was one of many such exchanges that she had witnessed between Caroline and her husbands: <"I know you've already finished off that bottle of scotch today. Don't lie to me, Caroline!"> Lulu heard him say, his voice plaintive and defeated. She knew Caroline would have to have the last word, and she waited for it.. Caroline had answered him smugly. Challengingly. Caroline had always had to prove how much she didn't anyone approval, or anyone's help in anything. But in her own way, Caroline had once again asserted herself and won the argument once again with her bellicose attitude, as her husband quietly retreated to another room. And Lulu knew she would then go to the cabinet to open another bottle. Lulu was surprised she could even remember this, as so little recall of her mother's marriage to this man had seemed to stay with her. She wondered how the kids at LSP ever got past some of the awful situations that they had endured. It had not occurred to her that her upbringing had been more troubled than simply feeling left out at times from Caroline's activities, or those of her husbands'. She wonder if Nick's shampooing had triggered her flashback? "Nick, do you like my hairstyle?" Lulu asked him, curious. True to Caroline "form" she had never ventured to ask any man's opinion of her hairstyle before. "Too much running water! Ask me later!" Nick raised his voice over the roar of gushing water, her voice muffled and lost to him through the hiss as he continued to fill the sink and move water around. ~ ~ ~ Lulu grabbed a towel, crossed it, and flipped it back over her head, so that it covered her a little like a nun's habit. She had assumed that with the shampoo over, she could continue drying her hair in private where her shaggy dog could be corrected, and return to some semblance of grooming normalcy. She briskly retreated to Nick's bedroom - the bedroom she and Nick now shared – trusting that he would leave her, her space now. But he unassumingly followed her in, closely watching her backside sway as she walked, holding her carefully secured towel in place with both hands. "I can dry my own hair, Nick…" Lulu commented nervously, sensing that he was almost on her heels. She sat on the side of the bed and tipped her head forward. "I can dry it better," Nick countered cheerfully. Confidently, he unwrapped the towel and began to rub her hair gently with it. She looked a little to him, like a cute black puppy he had once shared shampooing in a tub with a childhood friend, on one of his more happy and carefree afternoons. Lulu was about to protest again, feeling very babied at having her hair rubbed as lightly as if she were collapsing serving of Yorkshire pudding, but her feelings of irritation were intercepted. Mesmerized by the silky clean skin behind her ears, and along her neck, and feeling the warmth of her head through the towel, Nick had finally felt an overwhelming urge to devour her. The sudden feel of his lips and hot tongue suckling the side of her neck immediately silenced her. Why was she surprised? Perhaps because nothing like this had ever happened during her marriage with Brian. There was little foreplay with Brian. And definitely no play. She began to giggle in spite of herself, letting go finally. But as she felt a set of fingers begin to trail expertly along the surface of her tummy, as his wet kissing continued along down her neck, her giggling vanished. His fingers exerted an exquisite amount of pressure on her skin, squeezing lightly, kneading, gently pinching, trickling, and grazing her sensitive areas. His fingers did not seek out her sensitivities, rather, seemed to already know the secret places in her that cried to be touched, Too hypnotized by his magical movements to even move a muscle, she began to moan as he continued, eventually allowing herself to fall back onto the bedcovers, her gaze riveted on his fixed expression. He leaned down beside her, following her, never taking his eyes off her. She began to perspire, her body becoming acutely flushed. This was all the affirmation he needed to heed what what his groin had been telling him since the shampooiong. As he rolled himself onto her quickly, covering her body with his, she let out an urgent whimper. "Oh God Nick, I want you!!" she cried, as she bared herself to him by opening her robe wide exposing herself to him. Gripping Lulu's damp head passionately, he kissed her fiercely, forcing each of his shoes off with his other foot. Breathing heavily, he elevated himself just long enough to unzip himself and shed his corduroys. She grabbed and fairly clawed his t-shirt off, raking the warm skin of his back gently. Pleadingly. She gazed into space panting, overcome with desire for him to continue, while she slid down his boxers. But he wanted her to fully feel his passion He paused a few seconds, nestling himself playfully between her legs, not quite settling himself, He peppered her with soft little kisses, driving her senseless with desire. As he began to raise his trunk again slowly, she waited breathlessly. Hesitating a few more seconds, he finally thrust forward, sinking himself very slowly into her. She gasped aloud and cried out in animal need, as he had never heard her cry out before. <"Yes-s-s-s-s!!!> he thought to himself privately, deeply pleased that his patience had paid off. Sliding himself in and out slowly, he basked in the certain knowledge that for now at least, she needed him! He began to pepper her with ever more kisses while resting a pleasurably cruel few seconds before each plunge. ~ ~ ~ `Nick, do you like my hairstyle?" Lulu asked him, as she finally brought herself up onto her elbows. She had taken a long time after their lovemaking, to even roll herself off her back "Above, or below?" he responded with uncharacteristic lack of guile. That his response had not been a facetious one, would not have occurred to Lulu. "You bum!" She lambasted him with a pillow, leaving him in a state of confusion. He had to replay the question in his head before he realized she had been referring to her the hair on her head, and how inappropriate his request of her for a clarification had been. Studying her face closely, he looked into her eyes and answered her question finally: "Seriously - I'd like to see you bald." "Thanks a lot – THAT bad?" she looked at him sheepishly, trying to mask her disappointment. "Just below, I mean – ABOVE…is fine!" he jibed. She stared at his nonchalant expression for many moments, shocked by his audacity. Feeling powerful despite her disapproving glare, his mouth finally broke into his characteristically, devilish smirk, his eyes twinkling. Unable to resist, she returned a quick one of her own which faded just as quickly as her feelings of modesty re-surfaced and took control. She raised the pillow high, signaling her condemnation, and gave him a second good wallop. ~ ~ ~ "Lulu?" It was Monday morning and Nick had already left for LSP that morning, when a phonecall had interrupted Lulu's yoga sequence. Lulu recognized Kim's familiar voice instantly. "Hey, Kim! Everything okay?" asked Lulu, pleased that someone had been calling her for a change, and Kim sounded as if she was in high spirits for a change. "Yeah! Everything's just great!" Since Matty's kidnapping, Kim had sounded like a bundle of misery and tension. To Lulu this morning, however, her voice seemed at least twenty shades brighter than the last time they'd spoken. She was glad the situation had been resolved - for more reasons than Kim and Matty's reconciliation, if truth be told – it gave her more access to their friendship without Nick's involvement. Knowing so little about Nick's depth of feeling towards Kim, and so little about their breakup, she could never be sure that it was a "done deal", although she was beginning to trust Nick more with the passing of time. Very independent and always busy in his work, she accepted that she more or less had to trust him whether she felt ready to or not. "Matter of fact," she continued, "I've got Matty with me today, because the teachers are having one of those professional development days. I don't go until night shift this week, anyway. You want to join us for lunch? That is, if you're not doing anything?" Kim was feeling acutely restless and hemmed in with Matty, who had been unusually demanding of her attention. His anxiety level had not gone down in the way Kim's had, after being separated from her so abruptly for a couple of weeks, with his father. She welcomed with prospect of catching up with Lulu rather than dumping her problems on her – Kim had a strong streak of independence in her, and like Lulu, did not like to feel obligated. "Sure!" Lulu replied. It was lonely during the day with Nick away, leaving her too much time think about things, especially past mistakes. She had difficulty admitting to Nick that she was nervous to drive them anywhere, and not feeling as if she was ready to share these insecurities with him, she tended to dwell on her fears a good deal. Seeing Kim would get her out of her head a bit. "What time?" ~ ~ ~ "You've changed the place!" commented Lulu, as she entered Kim's living room. Fleetingly, her mind flashed back to the evening, when she had taken refuge from a potential stalker at Kim's and Nick had emerged from Kim's bedroom. She re-focused away from this disturbing memory, because she knew she was not prepared to ask Kim the key questions about her relationship with Nick. She could not picture Nick with Kim, and did not want to. Nick had said it was over. "It's looks nice and roomy!" "Yeah. I decided to repaint and give the place a new feel." By choosing to re-painting, it had given Kim an opportunity to re-bond with Matty who had become withdrawn since they were reunited. As he had helped her paint, becoming "Mama's expert painter!:", he had begun to open up more and act more like his old self. "I know what you mean." Being in Nick's bright home was a vast improvement over her hospital quarters, which occupying an old hospital wing, had left her feeling desolate and hemmed in. "Sit down, sit down." Kim urged, feeling a bit ill at ease. It had been awhile since Lulu and she had chatted and gossiped casually, and it had been over Nick. Those chats were off-limits now, since Lulu and Nick were in an obviously serious relationship. "Beer? Coffee?" Oh I know - you like the Zinger tea!" Lulu sat. "Thanks." Teas with no caffeine were Lulu's daytime fare, and she felt pleased that Kim had remembered. "Tea coming up! - so tell me – what's it like? Living with Nick, I mean." Kim realized as soon as she asked this, that Lulu might have reservations about answering the question. Kim said to herself, feeling guilty about the gaucheness of the question, and the way she had behaved with Nick at their last meeting. Lulu hesitated. She wasn't sure how much she wanted to share with Kim, knowing as little as she did about the two of them. But it was probably a better topic than discussing the reasons she had wound up at Nick's - something to be avoided even with Kim, who she felt she could discuss a good deal with. She had learned early in life not to reveal to much about one's failure's and vulnerabilities, even to those you felt were trustable. It was a skill that served her well in her chosen profession of law, and sometimes made her appear cold and distant to those closest to her. "Well…" replied Lulu cautiously. "He's a bit different than I had imagined," unsure about how welcome the difference was, " But I guess that's what happens when you live with someone – you get to know them better!" "And?" Kim seemed genuinely concerned that there might be something wrong. Kim had in fact put her relationship with Nick behind her. She saw Nick as a selfish, spoilt brat who cared little about others. But she could not deny her own body reactions in his presence, nor that she had been a little too quick to write him off as a potential mate. It had made her brief meetings with Nick over Matty strange and unsettling, as if she were with someone she did not really know, yet did. "Oh, he's fine. I guess I just didn't expect him to pay so much attention. I'm not used to it." Lulu elaborated, groping for the words which would not denigrate nor inflame. "This is a problem, Lulu??" Kim teased. "No – I'm just kidding. Seriously, Lu – is he sort of smothering you?" Kim felt surprised at Lulu's remark. She had difficulty visualizing Nick as being very attentive, but neither did she want to picture him this way, after the way he had treated her. She should have noticed the attraction between Nick and Lulu, the night Lulu visited, when she had seen them sitting together. But she was not particularly observant in such matters, and had not really paid close attention. "I…" Lulu was unsure whether to go further, and what she wanted to say about Nick. "I wonder if he will accept me going back to work and having my own career thing going." Nick had seemed to want to involve herself in her domestic life more than he seemed to want to parlay over legal work, or things outside the home. "Really? That's not good. What do you want to be doing? Maybe I can help. I know people in the child protection system - and some of the DAs!" Kim offered sympathetically, smiling her half mischievous smile. Kim had pegged Nick for being a possessive, "like my women barefoot and pregnant" type, under his casual manner. She had not personally seen it, but she had felt it as an unseen force. Did he really expect Lulu to become a "baby factory"? "I'm not looking for work right now. I've still got some health problems from a car accident I was involved in about a year ago." Lulu lied to avoid explanations of her recent hospitalization. "But when I am – I'd really appreciate any help you can give me!" "Sure, anytime! - I had no idea about your car accident, Lulu!" Kim felt ashamed not to have known, but she had spent entire summer at her mother's cottage with Matty in Maine, having accumulated a lot of holiday time, and had allowed her communications with Lulu to lapse. And perhaps she had not wanted to think of the man they knew in common and had gossiped about together. "Mom!!" Matty interrupted, tugging on Kim's sleeve. Lulu glanced in his direction in hopes that he would short-circuit the direction of their conversation. "I've told you how many times, Matty, not to interrupt when I'm talking with a visitor – or anytime!" Kim chided, scowling a little. "It's going to wait!" She returned back to Lulu. Kim had little patience with children who did not defer to visitors and adult conversation It was the way she had been raised. "I'm really grateful with how quickly you and Nick and helped me out. You have no idea, the agony I went through! My stomach was – " "Lunch is burning, mom!" Matty finally burst out, interrupting his mother. On hearing this, Kim disappeared quickly into the kitchen, and the topic of Nick disappeared just as quickly from their conversation. Lulu felt privately relieved. Kim regaled her over lunch, with tales of arrests and gossip at the precinct. To Lulu, Kim seemed to lead an exciting, adventurous life. But she did not envy her, her life as a single mother, endlessly adapting her schedule, activities and childcare arrangement to her job shift rotations, and having little social life outside of work. ~ ~ ~ (Two hours later) "So then his partner says to the desk sergeant…" . The conversation had shifted to the living room, and Matty had gone to play in the backyard. "Mom?" Matty's voice was heard at the doorway. He walked cautiously toward her. "What, honey? – `scuse me, Lulu, but I have been ignoring him – I'll just be a sec!" She turned to Matty bending over a little, giving him her undivided attention. "Is Nick gonna come over and visit us?" Matty asked her, whispering quietly into her ear. He was characteristically shy of all visitors. "No kiddo! Nick lives with Lulu. He won't be coming to visit…" Kim was momentarily confused by his request. "Unless Nick and Lulu want to come over for dinner sometime…Lulu, will you and Nick come over and have dinner with us sometime?" Kim invited. "I can fix you guys a decent "Thank You" dinner, that if you guys can stand worn plates! "Ah, er…I'll have to ask him, but sure, I guess…" How would Nick react to such an invitation? She realized it was another area of uncharted territory. "But he came last week. Why can't he come again?" persisted Matty. Kim began to frown a little. Matty was already developing an attitude of persistence for things that he wanted, particularly after coming home from his father's.. Lulu blanched. She had had no idea that Nick had visited Kim recently. Kim saw Lulu's discomfort, and felt somewhat embarrassed. "He didn't tell you? He swung by with some papers for me to sign, before the court hearing." Kim hoped that having provided the rationale for his visit, that Lulu's look of concern would dissipate, and was relieved to find that it had. Only slightly relieved by her explanation, Lulu's feelings of shock at discovering this fact from Matty took awhile to abate, but she concealed this from Kim. After all, it was not Kim's fault. "He's not a big talker about work, so I don't expect he would have mentioned it," Lulu replied finally, trying not to stammer as she said this. She glanced at her watch. "Er, it's been fun, Kim - we should do this more often - but I guess I should be heading out now..." Kim walked Lulu to the door, and put her hand on her shoulder comfortingly, with obvious concern, "I hope you're feeling better soon, Lulu!" Kim felt privately relieved that their conversation was wrapping up, needing to spend a bit more time with Matty, before she prepared herself for work. Lulu wondered briefly, if Kim knew the truth about her psych ward stay. But she reminded herself that Kim hadn't known about the accident until then. "Bye , Lulu!" Matty called out, feeling bolder now that Lulu was leaving. Lulu waved to him and walked to her car. She put the Nick's visit to Kim out of her mind. For now. ~ ~ ~ As Nick fumbled with his keys, the door to his house swung open. Lulu stood there smiling at him, gesturing for him to take hold of her hand while she led him into the doorway and kissed him. Surprised and pleased with her warm reception, he nonetheless began to clinically analyse the situation: Why was Lulu behaving less morose and more amorous than usual? Nick was not entirely comfortable the emotional shifts women seemed to display. Sometimes pleasantly, sometimes unpleasantly, it tended to off-balance him. It was an element of chaos he preferred for the most part to dissuade or avoid. "How was work?" she asked, studying him a little more closely than usual. "Fine." he replied matter-of-factly. Discussing work was something Burton had left at the door, when he came home to Nick's mother. Taking his cue from Burton unconsciously, Nick had followed suit. Lulu listened to this pat reply - it was the only response Nick had ever given her to the question. She supposed it was his way of separating his worlds. Two of Caroline's husbands had been the same. "I went and visited Kim for lunch today." Lulu ventured, trying to spark some visible emotion or reaction from him. Nick said nothing, and hoped that he registered no visible reaction that Lulu could see. Lulu and Kim's friendship made him uneasy, especially because Kim represented an arm of the law that he had been made uncomfortable with, from being arrested twice and jailed once. It was also a time in his life he would prefer to forget. He felt somehow outnumbered and overpowered by their friendship. "More `ovary power'!" he had once heard one of the secretaries snicker, when a new female lawyer had gotten hired on at F&F. Kim and Lulu together felt like too much `ovary power' for him. She listened to his loud silence, bothered that she could infer nothing from it – nothing except Nick's unspoken disinterest in continuing with the subject. "She's feeling a lot better now that Matty's back." she added. "Good." responded Nick noncommittally. Despite Lulu's cheery demeanor, he wondered what they had discussed over lunch, but did not want to appear interested. "Well, you know… she wants us to come over for supper sometime…" "I'm not really thrilled about that idea," responded Nick without emotion. "Because?" She saw Nick's inner clamshell starting to close on her question, but she was determined not to let it. She wanted the lines of communication to be open between she and Nick. She wanted a level of mutual trust that she and Brian had not really had, although to other people, they had appeared very relaxed around each other. It had simply been an orchestrated front. Lulu did not a want the shell of relationship with Nick. She wanted Nick to be able to trust her, to be his confidante and to gain insights into him - insights which would make him more predictable. She had mostly liked what she had learned about him so far, since she had agreed to live with him. But he was also so largely unpredicable. She wanted to know more. And most definitely she wanted to understand more about the feelings that he and Kim had had for each other. Did he think Kim was a better lover? The thought gave her a knot in her stomach. She focused back on Nick. "Because." Nick was vying for time, while he concocted a reasonable explanation for his reluctance. He realized that Lulu was hell bent on knowing more about he and Kim. "Because why, Nick? Can't you discuss this with me?" She hoped he would not shut her out, as was his usual habit. "Because it might encourage her." He stared at her a little intimidatingly, trusting this would convince her to drop the subject. "ENCOURAGE her?" Lulu did not really get what Nick was referring to. "Yes, ENCOURAGE her. And I can't see what good it does." His voice took on a brusque, dismissive quality. "What do you mean?" she persisted. "You can be very persistent, Lulu." He realized her interest had not abated and his normal evasions had not intimidated her into dropping the matter. He now felt ill-at-ease, and pursed his lips tightly, as if trying to zipper in what was threatening to become known, if he could he could not supply her with more, possibly ending in a tearful scene. "You can be very evasive, Nick. What's the big deal? Why can't you discuss this with me?" Lulu, trying to remain calm while becoming progressively more agitated. Nick's reluctance to explain himself was making his viewpoint about Kim as reachable as a diamond which had been knocked into a storm drain. "You know she and I…" he stammered. Was she going to force him to repeat that they had at one time been lovers? He already felt some residual guilt over this. "You still have feelings like that for her?" Lulu asked bluntly, now only unafraid of being evaded, or lied to. "I don't even think about it." he replied evenly. Lulu saw no hesitation in his reply. Could she trust her instincts? "But if you did?" She had to hear it again. "But I don't. To be honest, she sort of…" he felt reluctant to open up about Kim, whom he would rather put behind him permanently in every way, for himself and for Lulu's sake. Lulu waited patiently for him to continue, unmoving, searching his eyes "Was a challenge, and…" He groped for the words which would tell her what she needed and avoid the ones she did not. Lulu still said nothing, waiting for him to continue. He found the silence unnerving like few times he had ever felt. "She's not very good in bed!" Nick blurted quickly, hoping this would end Lulu's "inquisition". He trusted this would end her wondering, or put the matter to rest for a long awhile – at least until Kim was completely out of the picture. He hoped this would be sooner, rather than later. "You're going to have to do better than that." Lulu replied skeptically. This was not information that would break Nick into a sweat, she conjectured. There must be more to their breakup than bad sex. "Even I'm not that much of a dummy!" She remembered how quickly the two of them had excused themselves the night she and Brian had sat with them at the Incline. "Lulu, this is – is hard!" he stuttered, with obvious discomfort, bracing his arms on the counter, and looking down at the floor. "Take your time." answered Lulu, trying to exercise patience on a topic she felt impatient about – she had wondered for a long time why things had ended so abruptly. Nick had given her what she believed to be an incomplete explanation, on the afternoon of their Scrabble game. "Okay. Just generally…I don't think Kim and I were very compatible in and out of bed, okay? It wasn't going anywhere. We had nothing to talk about." He stood upright to face her, with an air of defeat. Like someone who has been cornered and forced into unnatural acts. "So what's the problem of having dinner there? Is she hard to visit for an hour?" Lulu was as puzzled as ever. But she had gained a clue – an admission that Nick found it difficult to communicate with Kim – or that he preferred not to. Nick sttill did not sound very forthcoming, but she was more satisfied with this answer which was it was less truncated than his last comment about Kim's lovemaking. "No." Nick felt unseen hands going to choke him for uncommitted crimes. He felt foolish for allowing room for doubts."But, I'm not sure that she's accepted the fact that she and I are not compatible. I was at her place last week getting some papers signed, and she was being `sweet'." "Don't you think maybe that was gratitude for what you were doing for she and Matty?" She found herself unable to drop the issue. If Kim and he were over, why was he objecting to a simple dinner? Fed up of her unrelenting questions, he answered her wearily, "Why do you ask me to explain myself, Lulu? - You second-guess it all, anyway." Nick said exasperatedly. He did not want to face another barrage of questions like this anytime soon. Lulu had obvious trust issues, finding it difficult to accept things at face value. Both the nurse and Caroline had alluded to this, as well. He just wished she would take him at his word. "I think we're discussing something important here, Nick: because she's been a friend of mine for a long time and continues to be, because you have a history with her, and she's still sort of in the picture. And I don't even really know how you feel about her. Can't you see why I would want to understand things better?" Lulu questioned plainly, the look in her eyes conveying a greater demand than her words. "Okay." replied Nick. "I'm just saying I'm not comfortable with the idea. She's seems too interested in me." "Okay. I'll have to think up some excuses." She put her hand on his arm to signal her appreciation of his increasing candor. And by the way, I need you to back me up on a fib if you're ever talking to her." "I won't be talking to her." He shook his head disbelievingly. "She might phone here, and start chatting." Lulu warned. She doubted Kim would call, but one could not be sure. "Okay. What's the fib?" Nick was interested to know what fib Lulu needed to keep from her "good" friend. "That I'm not working right now, because of my car accident. I didn't want to go into detail about the California thing…" She looked into his eyes to take a measure of his spirit of cooperativeness, waiting nervously for his agreement. "Done." Nick replied, in the manner of someone checking off a grocery list. There was no need for Lulu to explain her desire for privacy on this. He would not be mentioning the incident to anyone - it was simply not his style. "What's for dinner?" he asked, interested to see if Lulu would once again spared him a repast of a nuke'em meal which had sat in his freezer for more weeks than he cared to remember. "Whatever you feeling like making." Lulu teased. "What do you want?" he asked, unaware that she was teasing him. He knew full well he had used up his goodwill tokens in terms of defaulting domestic activities to her. "Actually, I will be making dinner. And I'm the main entrée" she added, blinking her dark lashes at him, grinning all the while. She wanted Nick to feel wanted, as he had made her feel wanted. She did not know how deep his feelings for her ran exactly. But she knew they had run him to San Franscisco for a week. By comparision, Brian would not have even considered this. He would have simply called the physician in charge and apprised himself of weekly updates. "What?" Nick asked, confused. He was still recovering from her interrogation. He understood her fears. But he had his own to deal with. "Let me help you with your jacket." She eased his jacket off his shoulders, and hung it up, giving him a backward glance. "Sit down." she commanded confidently, pointing to the kitchen stool. Surprised, he sat. As she came up behind him, he felt her hands begin to knead his shoulders gently. He could not remember such a healing rub. The tension of the day began to slowly fall away from him, seeping out of his muscles like air from a balloon - the tension caused particularly by their previous conversation. He began breathing more deeply, releasing a slow sigh. He had been afraid that he might slip or Lulu might somehow discover how Kim had tried to plant a "goodbye kiss" on his lips at his departure the previous week. Even being repelled by the gesture at the time, he was not sure Lulu would completely believe him. He knew she had been concerned about he and Kim's former relationship – if you could even call it that. It had been half the reason he had gotten involved with Kim – to try and make Lulu jealous and sorry that she had gone off and married Brian, even going so far as to urge Kim out on a date at the Incline, where there was a good likelihood of Lulu bumping into them. She seemed to take little at face value, and he felt this was not the time to agitate her. As he ruminated further about how to keep Kim out of their social calendar, he felt Lulu's hand caress his cheek gently, bringing his mind back to the present moment. It was felt like such a caring gesture to him. It was not unlike something his mother used to do to him when he was young, as well as frequently, affectionately tousling his hair. But he remembered none of this, lost in the sensations of Lulu's gentle movements, finding solace in her touch. He enjoyed her proximity to him. He had wondered if he would feel a little crowded, seeing Lulu first thing in the morning, and last thing at night since he was used to being alone. But from the first day he had brought her home, he had been delighted to discover her there, not trying to overpower him or change him, but as someone constant and interested in him – in what he thought, how he felt. The fact that he was not used to sharing these parts of himself much, did not really detract from her care and attention. It was simply good to be needed that much, by someone he cared about as much as cared about her. Her fingers began to slide exploratively between the buttons of his shirt, followed by progressive little tugs as she released each of his lower shirt buttons, allowing his shirt cloth to fall away from his stomach and expose his white t-shirt to her warm touch. But his tie hung ungraciously down and as he went to untie it, she slapped his hand playfully away, gripping it firmly and rolling it slowly over her fingers, while she played with his chest. Inching her fingers down to the base of his t-shirt, she pulled it out slowly from the front of his pants. Still not relinquishing the grip on his tie, she coaxed his head back and kissed him under his chin, beginning to lick all around his collar. She undid his tie painstakingly slowly, while he watched himself helplessly being disrobed slowly a button at a time, down the top of his shirt. Lulu rarely initiated anything sexual between them, but occasionally she would pleasantly surprise him, as she was now doing. It felt strangely exciting to be relinquishing control to her, where he could not easily orchestrate the next movements between them. He was definitely not being allowed to set the pace today. He concluded that her brand of `ovary power' was well worth relating to. As she twisted lightly and playfully on his pectorals, he pulled her down toward him and bit her breast a little. His pectorals seemed to harden and swell and harden again as she played with them. She began to make her way to his waistband, grazing her nails along his skin, and beyond. As she began to play lightly with his public hair, he moaned, and quickly clamped his hot hand over hers. He was already beginning to pant rather quickly. "Getting frisky, are we?" she asked with a demure smile, standing to his side, retracting her hand from his. She it took into her own and brought it up to her lips and kissed it. "You said YOU were on the menu!" replied Nick huskily. He bit her again softly, and grasped her shoulder to ensure that she did not stray. His other hand reached for her bra clasp. His second bite had the effect of making her shudder violently and deliciously at the same time deliciously. Her soft breast flesh continued to tantalize him like few times he could ever remember, begging almost to violated by the sharp edges of his teeth. He razed and chewed her flesh gently. She looked at him in amazement, unsure how far he would go. "I'm the dessert," replied Lulu, drawing away teasingly from his reach, whispering this to him in his ear as she withdrew her shoulder from his grasp. "No," he contradicted unhesitatingly, his voice determined. "As I remember it, you're the `main entrée'," he corrected. He grasped her arm firmly now, pulling her gently in toward him, twisting her onto his lap, then burying his warm head into her enticing cleavage. He skillfully popped open three of her buttons in rapid succession. Instinctively reaching for his head, she ran her fingers through his silky golden curls, tousling them playfully. Seductively, their eyes locked briefly, each drinking in the other's lustful, amorous glance. He gripped her torso more firmly, eagerly, continuing to taste her flesh and lighty bite her more. In response to this, she dug her fingernails firmly into his scalp, urging him on. Determined to drive her mad with desire for him, he nibbled her flesh in a lazy, measured descent, aimed toward her pubis and downward, enjoying inflicting the sweet torture of making her wait. He felt so hungry for her ached. He inserted two fingers slowly into her, making her moan and clutch her arms around his neck tightly to steady herself. "What's this about dessert, you were saying?" he asked her as he maneuvred his fingers gently in and out out of her vaginal folds. Hearing no answer from her, he placed his arm underneath her tailbone and lifted her entire pelvis to the level of his chest. He then moved his face down to her crotch where she could clearly feel his hot heavy breath. He began to nibble tentatively... ~ ~ ~ end of Part 4 SO MUCH TO SAY – Part 5 It seemed as if the surrounding water had turned much warmer somehow. Unusually warm waves engulfed him, washing gently over his bare torso. It was a sunny day, and although he saw no one, he sensed he was not alone. He could smell the beach. Exciting and calm. Wild and placating. It was as if the ocean itself embraced him exquisitely, in an effort to bestow friendly, cosmic-like caresses. He reached his toes into the sand, but could not somehow reach the bottom. He was not sinking, and he was not aware of drifting or floating. It puzzled him, but at the same seemed unimportant. The waves washing over him progressively stirred him more, even deliciously and so very pleasantly. So much so, that he began leaning his body wantonly into them, seeking them out. He could tell they were very perversely, deliberately eluding him, leaving him hungry for their sworling kisses which danced around him. It disturbed him that they seemed to be receding. Now more agitated, he began to twist himself hard in the pursuit of the stronger waves for more of the pulsing pleasure they had given him. Against his better judgement, he eventually reached out with his hands, trying hard to grasp the currents, to absorb them, to control them and to lock them to him. But the elusive waves moved forward, out of reach, deliberately teasing him, and tempting him out into ever deeper, darker water. It occurred to him they were luring him into a less safe place. he reflected with some concern. he deduced. But he had to take that chance. He began to will himself into the heart of the deeper, darker part of the water, almost moaning his hunger and aching for them. He caught them and gripped them hard to shake the deepest pleasures from them! Even sensing that this was forbidden, he gave into the temptation. He tried to direct them. He could not resist. "Nick…" A coldness splashed across his torso. Soft seaweed slid through his fingers. He pulled on it reflexively, desperately. But it continued to ooze away.. "Nick!" He knew that sound. It was not the water speaking to him, but an important woman voice. Gradually, he floated upward. Awakening. He knew who it was. Lulu. He then realized where he was. In his bedroom. In his bed. With her body on him. With her mouth engulfing, teasing, pleasuring his sex organs.. It was early morning. She had begun while he was asleep. Though refusing to open his eyes and relinquish the sea quite yet, he realised what it was he holding in his hand. Her hair. Not seaweed. He determined immediately what the cold splash was: Cold air hitting his wet erection, and everything in its immediate vicinity. Lulu placed her warm mouth back on him again, as he surfaced into full consciousness. He felt his need to go more deeply into the end of the ocean more strongly than ever. He wanted her to seduce him all the way. Her tongue played along the length, depth and breadth of his needs, firing him into ever more urgent wanting. Painful hunger. He gripped her hair again, unthinking, rewarded with - Punishment! Again! As she released her mouth on him, allowing the cool air to tighten him up, jabbing him with fear of loss, he moaned aloud. "Nick, you're hurting me!" she whispered. "Sorry!" he said in a low voice, confused, as the warmth of her enclosing mouth forgave him and returned to embrace him exquisitely. He released his grip on her hair, his breath now ragged. He continued to fondle it lightly, strokingly, pleading his urgency until he could no longer will himself anywhere. He was ready to be taken. To sink. To drown. To disappear. His breath came hard and fast, as she pistoned sweetly back and forth on him. Her hands reached out and offered themselves to him. He gripped them gratefully. A ship's mast to hold as the storm swept him into madness. "Ohgh!!" he howled. The storm of pleasure pulled him to the bottom of the sea. Submerged like a submarine, he went down. "Lulu!" he cried and sobbed. Drowning. Drowning in pleasure. Lonely. Drowning in pleasure. Her hands squeezed him and then stroked his stomach and thights softly, bringing him out of his loneliness. The storm finally released him. He was rocketed into the sea of pleasure. He stopped sobbing. Now floating in the sea of pleasure. Blissfully embraced by it. So blissfully embraced. So warm. So everything. "Wow!" he panted. "What a way to wake up!" he said to himself more than to her. He waited to catch his breath before continuing. He opened his eyes and looked down. He tried to see her, but she had turned her head to the side, where it lay unmoving, on his thigh. She let out a sigh. He could see only the top of her head. Feeling he could never really communicate what she had done for him, he lay there many minutes and stared passively at the clouds that passed overhead through the bedroom window. At peace with himself and everything around him, he reached down calmly, his fingers exploring, searching for her face, wanting to touch its softness, wanting to tell it what he could not otherwise say. ~ ~ ~ End of Part 5 So Much to Say - Part 6 - prequel to Part 5 It was early dawn and Lulu had just awoken. She noted the entire house was abnormally silent and still. No birds chirping. Even with Nick's quiet breathing as he lay fast asleep beside her, they were the quietest moments between them that she could ever recall. She felt peaceful and pleased with the pervading calm. Glancing down, she noticed their blanket scrunched at the base of the bed and thought briefly of pulling it up to cover them. She realized however, that she was actually quite warm – the thermostat had been apparently been set very comfortably. Even Nick - his white sheet had fallen away leaving him almost completely naked - looked decidedly content. His body heat radiated from him, even at a distance, exuding an agreeable warmness Dressed in only white baby dolls, the part of it she was able to feel, felt soothing. Breathlessly, she examined the full extent of his beautiful nakedness. She closely watched the rise and fall of his chest caused by his quiet breathing. With his guileless expression, his vulnerable eyes, and expressive mouth, it was not difficult for her to picture him as an earnest young altar boy, determined to serve God's higher purposes - which Lulu had learned from Burton, Nick had apparently been, before his mother had died, before he was sent away. Her imaginings of him as a young boy aroused feelings of tenderness in her - feelings which to this point she had found impossible to feel - impossible because to feel this vulnerable again would have meant to flirt too hard with her anguished feelings over her losses of the past year: Brian's betrayal, her accident, her impending disbarment, her feeling of safety from being stalked, her failed marriage, her unplanned pregnancy - the loss of her unborn child, and her misjudgement of the man she had wanted so deeply. To cry and most likely fall into an endless pit of grief and self-pity – perhaps despair would seize her again and this time, not relinquish its painful grip. She did not reflect on these things consciously, however. She only realized it had been awhile since she had felt lovingly toward anyone, feeling oddly empty and uneasy most of the time. She lay her head back on her pillow and thought back to two evenings before, when she and Nick had made love together for a couple of hours. Their clothes had lain scattered over the floor. After the first climax - which had been wholly dramatic - he had patiently seduced her into a second state of even more tortured, frantic craving, unlike anything she had ever experienced before: a selfish, kill-for-its-pleasure type-state that had driven to her the edge of her sanity. Although he had taken her further than she had ever thought possible before, it had not occurred to her that Nick was capable of repeating this process, but provoked an even deeper urgency in her. Never imagined he could bring her to such a state of surrender and disinhibition . Nick's tiniest licks and touches had seemed larger than life. She had believed, for many seconds, that she might truly die - might stop breathing - never able to draw another living breath. How could one make sense of that? How could one explain away the feeling that one would have thrown all caution, all morals and all rational thought away and have done anything, if he had asked her? She felt overwhelmed by the newness of it. The unexpectedness of it. Her emotional need for him was becoming no less acute. It was not bad enough that he was a brilliant lawyer, with deep traditional values, devoted enough to follow her into a mental hospital during important client negotiations and bring her back to live with him, nor a sharp-witted man who could make her laugh so easily. Not bad enough that he was a romantic man who would apologize to her tearfully, offering up dead flowers as a peace offering for insulting her boyfriend, nor how profoundly he had apologised for letting her believe he would have rejected her over an unplanned pregnacy – one that he had known nothing about. Not bad enough that he welcomed her into his home, quickly wanting it to feel like her own, nor bad enough that he was attentive to her opinions, affectionate and domestically good-natured. He had demanded so little of her in terms of sacrificing who she was. She meanwhile, had for at least a little while, been foolish enough to think of this as a weakness in him - Brian had expected so much of her as as a wife and a lover - if that were not enough, it had turned out that Nick was also the world's best lover! In fact, he seemed to adore her. Was so protective of her. Thinking about it was enough to make her dizzy. If only she still felt worthy of his love! Until her pregnacy and departure, she HAD felt she deserved it, and more. Until her pregnancy, she could see Nick's faults so glaringly: his arrogance, conceit, his deep sense of entitlement and his seemingly omnipresent selfishness. She had believed she wanted more, much more than Nick was willing to give. But he had guarded her safety and not told even told her of it, when she was being stalked She had also unthinkingly rejected many of his overtures. It was easy not to notice what did not fit your judgement of someone's character and ignore what seemed inconsistent. After her car accident, he had offered to look after her. He had taken her car shopping, when this could not have been the most appealing use of his time and attention. He had, after all, suffered in the same accident as well! She felt plagued with guilt that she had been so blinded to her own jealousy where Kim was concerned, that she had not noticed the deep caring and feeling he had demonstrated throughout her marriage to Brian.. Perhaps adversity brings out the best and the worst of people, she concluded. Perhaps the best in her was yet to come, just as Nick had seemed to improve at a time when it was very important for her, when she needed him most. A team could strengthen itself in different ways, if its members were committed. She promised herself to try to be the best of that team with Nick that she was capable of, from that point forward. She would not be the one to give up on trying to understand his point of view in the places where it mattered most. She would not knowingly wall herself off from him again, as Caroline was wont to do in her relationships. She had to do it for herself; she had to do it for Nick. She glanced at him again admiringly, drinking in his sublime muscular profile, particularly his legs. Even relaxed, they looked powerful and virile. The sight of him briefly took her breath away. He had barely twitched a muscle since she the last time she looked. Her mind flashed back to the evening before. He had set his paperwork aside, and come to the living room to join her on the couch, and they had spent the rest of the evening snuggled up cosily in front of the TV – just as he had done with her in hospital - watching an amorous old romance. She had felt certain their evening would end up in lovemaking, and had waited for him to hopefully say something provocative, or to initiate some intimate gesture. But it had not come and she did not know why. Disappointed, she had wondered what would have happened if she had just reached out and kissed him with the object of arousing him, or had stroked him seductively. Had he been waiting for her to take the initiative? Yet neither one of them had taken this step, so had wound up quietly retiring for the night. She rolled onto her side, propping herself up on her elbow and quietly moved her whole body down the bed, taking her pillow with her . Nick's sleeping form remained motionless. In fact, she thought briefly, he looked so calm he could have been a cadaver, save his warmth and breathing. A wave of deep affection and adoration washed through her. It was difficult to focus on the best in people when you became caught up in the simple angsts of daily living, but away from them as she was now, it was so easy to love what she saw – a man who tried hard, a man of deep humaneness concealed under a sometimes terse, cold exterior – a man of courage. Who else would have boldly faced the legal committee without a valid legal argument, in defence of her professional reputation? Gazing at the sun as it began to rise through the half open curtains, she continued to ruminate about the substance of the Nick Fallin she was becoming more intimately acquainted with now. So far, nothing had jarred the peacefulness she found herself languishing in. Turning her attention away from the sharp, dawn sun outside the window, she irresistably began staring again at Nick's nude, outstretched body. For the first time, she focused closely and intently at his penis, safe in the knowledge that he was unaware of her scrutiny – something she had been to shy to do until now. Its pink-white colour and dry softness stood out from the wiry reddish-blonde hairs that surrounded it, and to Lulu, it seemed in some peculiar manner to be saucily awake. Though unmoving, it was as if it somehow beckoned her, as if it could communicate. She felt skittishly intrigued. After some hesitation, she moved her head closer to Nick's thigh, leaned over and gingerly picked it up. She bent her head closely to it and rubbed it ever so gently across her cheek. Finding it to feel exquisitely, baby soft against her cheek, she repeated this action a couple of more times, beginning to nuzzle it, her inhibitions beginning to slip away. She eventually ventured to plant a small, sweet kiss to it. To her amazement, she felt it begin to slowly swell and become warmer with each successive movement. Looking even more closely, she thought she saw its head mushrooming larger, and flaring more. The shaft felt subtly smoother and a trifle stiffer. , she reasoned ? Fascinated by what seemed to be a slight deflation of its shape, she continued to watch it carefully. She experimentally rubbed her thumb lightly along the edge of its ridge, glancing up to ensure that Nick was still deeply asleep. His steady breathing reassured her his slumber was unchanged. As she resumed her inspection, it flared again. This time there was no doubt in her mind that it had responded to her touch - it had even pulsated under her finger, seeming to seek her touch! Or was she again imagining? Her heart began to hammer at this realization, without her fully understanding why. Did Nick feel this way when her body responded to his touching? Adrenalin began to course through her. She released it again, and turned away, burying her face in her pillow.. She let out a small, stifled sigh. After a few moments, she began to giggle into the pillow quietly. The thought had occurred to her: She doubted he would be angry. ? She did not know how he might react to her starting something without his conscious involvement. Or perhaps he had had this done to him before! There were probably women out there willing and interested in doing a lot of things to Nick that she was not in the habit of doing. She tried to believe they could not have done things like that, and then she remembered Brian's errant behaviour and how Nick had protected him, and shielded her from the knowledge of it. She caught a glimpe of the clock: ten to six. She sunk back down . Her eyes flew effortlessly back to his crotch. She felt mild stirrings of arousal at the recent memory of his swelling member, without knowing why. She rolled toward him and leaned over him again and stroked it gently, and once again, the head became pinker and began to swell. She became entranced. She leaned forward and moved its head to her lips and rested it there. Flaccid, it seemed to droop away from her, shyly, when she did this. She blew on it gently and could not be sure if this has caused some pinkening, but she thought maybe it had. She placed it against her lips one more time, feeling its mild warmth. Closing her eyes, and rubbing its edge lightly against, she maneouvred it slowly, tentatively into her mouth. It felt surprisingly pliant and good. Though warm and wrinkled, she did not notice anything objectionable. Completely dry. No taste. It was a little like having a large soft thumb in one's mouth, only larger, she reflected. And like a thumb she began to suck on it, almost instinctively. But unlike a thumb, it distended measurably, she soon discovered. She drew her lips back on it somewhat cautiously, continuing neverthless to experiment with her tongue, interested to see how large and quickly she could coax it to swell. She drew the courage to suck it a little harder. she wondered. ? Her heart began to pound nervously, still somewhat afraid that Nick would wake up. She noticed there was a definite difference of result where she applied her attentions. In some places, her pressured licking movements caused a swelling and stiffening. In other places, it seemed to relax and revert to a more sagging condition. The whole activity of trying to create the largest swell possible became the focus of her movements. It became a novelty, to note its responses. As she dragged her teeth along it, even nibbled and gently pushed her tongue against it, shifting the skin around from time to time, she noted differences. Moving along the length of it seemed to produce the most dramatic results. But a few moments of inattention and it would seem to slowly collapse again… Somehow, she was able to get a rhythm going that in a few minutes caused a steady inflation, resulting in a full erection. To Lulu's amazement, Nick still remained deeply asleep. She continued, emboldened. Suddenly, he began to stir, moving his torso, as his erection became situated rather deeply in her mouth. ? She decided against this, simply freezing, until he relaxed again. She did not really want to stop unless necessary. He began to writhe, his legsstruggling slightly, the muscles contracting from time to time. She looked up momentarily, checking. His eyes were still shut. She closed her eyes once again, and continued. Unexpectedly, she felt his hands on her hair. It triggered initially, a feeling of mild alarm. But as his hands seemed to grope lightly and blindly, as if he were stumbling through the dark somewhere and could not see, the alarm gave way to an increased feeling of connectedness with him. They wrapped upon her head gently at first. But then they began to push her face forcefully downward onto him. She felt herself almost gag and pulled back in a panic, her heart hammering erratically, trying to regain her composure. His hands seemed to fall away as she did this. The only thing that overcame her fear, was her increasing state of arousal and the feeling of power she derived from having enticed his penis to its current stiffness. It had begun to intoxicate her, raising her libido, particularly as he continued to squirm away from the bed, and press himself against her body. She decided to take a chance that he would not push her again and resumed her ministrations. He moaned aloud, and soon began again to seek out her hair, which she felt urged on by. His gutteral moaning sent shivers through her, causing her adrenalin to surge, awakening all her senses sharply. Then he began to pull on her hair hard, hurting her. She released him, feeling frightened at how much pain he might inflict if she continued. "Nick…" she whispered tensely. Feeling his stomach tighten and his hands fall away from her she thought: . She took his warm, stiff cock into her mouth once more, hearing now, a sharp intake of breath. She knew then and there that he was was awake, fully aware of his arousal. He wanted her to continue. She would bring him to orgasm somehow, she decided. After a few moments, he grabbed her hair again, pushing and pulling her forcefully, obliging her to move more quickly and take him more deeply.. "Nick! You're hurting me!" she repeated. All his muscles seemed to go limp. His hands loosened their grip, and began to stroke her affectionately. Only marginally convinced that he had gotten the message, she ventured tentatively for what would be the last risk she felt she was prepared to take, to continue to satisfy him. Despite the fact that her jaws were beginning to tire from his largeness, she began to piston on him tightly, and forgot the pain of the previous minutes. He groaned deeply, digging his fingers lightly, but tensely, into her scalp, his thighs muscles turning to iron. The hardness of him excited her all the more. She began to breathe faster, and slide over him more quickly, each passing minute. surprised at her own endurance As every muscle in his body eventually seemed to stiffen, she reached up and offered him her hands - he had seemed to need something to hold tightly onto - which he gratefully accepted and gripped tightly. Then finally, dramatically, his body tensed and he thrust himself toward her at the same time, coming so quickly and so hard, that his orgasm spilled its contents into her mouth before she could avoid or even concede to the inevitable. But she was too exhausted to react, too grateful to be able to relax her jaws, to contemplate this newly experienced event. She turned her head, resting it on his leg and gazed off into space, catching her breath. She felt elated at what had just transpired, scarcely able to analyse any of it. she thought contentedly, feeling closer to Nick than she ever had before, if that were possible, having submitted herself to him in this way . Some minutes later, when she felt his fingertips burn into her face tenderly as he traced a light curve on her cheek, she sensed a deep appreciation in him, unlike any she had felt before she smiled to herself. They lay together in a silent reverie for awhile, with Nick's hand resting lightly on the back of her neck. "Lulu?" she heard Nick say huskily, "Lulu, you wouldn't believe this dream I was having…" in a tone of awe, as he stared at the ceiling. Calm had retaken her body. She waited patiently for Nick to continue. "I'll tell you later." he whispered. He motioned gently for her to release him, so that he could roll comfortably onto his side. Facing her, he drew her head in to his chest, and bent down to kiss her appreciately,.on her forehead. "Thank you." he said, bringing his arms gently around her back, in an all-encompassing embrace. She responded to his "thank you" by planting a small kiss on his chest. she wondered, as she felt a distinct growing hardness pressing against her stomach. "Is that -?" she asked aloud "Just your imagination." he whispered, in his deadpan tone. He thought perhaps he had convinced her, but unable to lie to her encircling hand around his resurrected erection, he removed it gently. Gripping her backside firmly, he rolled himself onto his back, taking her with him, parted her legs, drew her up until her face was level with his and slowly pulled her down onto his now very stiff erection. He began to slide her slowly up and down on him, causing her to moan on each downward thrust. "Like I was saying about this dream…" he continued, maintaining an easy, steady rhythm… she reflected, happy for at least this circumscribed victory. ~ ~ ~