One Line Len 
 
Author: Eileen Thomson

E-mail: indigtoast@yahoo.com
 
Summary: Another kooky client for Nick

Author's Notes: Like most of the rubbish I pick up. I read these,
either on the internet or in the Total Film magazine. Suzanne and
Linda, without complaint at my brainless wanderings, correct and
encourage me.


 
--+--
 

Nick blows out his cheeks as he waits for the lift door to open.
This week has been filled to the brim with work and he is not in the
mood to be at the office. It's three in the afternoon, he is
exhausted, and his head has a slight buzzing ache. *Drop off the
Gleeson file then I'm heading home. I'll make an early start to the
weekend.*

The lift opens and Gretchen rushes towards him. "Thank God you're
here. You have to help!"

Bemused, Nick eyes dart everywhere, trying to think of some way out
of this encounter. Seeing none he gives an apathetic shrug and
asks, "With what? What can be so urgent that I don't have time to
take off my coat?"

"Mr. Lieberman! He's driving your father insane." She pauses… seeing
she is getting no effect from Nick she starts again. "Mr. Leiberman
is Mr. Fallin's new client. He's in the office and your father is
asking for you every five minutes." The intercom on the reception
desk buzzes impatiently and they both turn to the sound. "See!"
Gretchen says importantly, "there he is again. Please hurry."

Nick is about to knock when he hears his Dad's voice raised in
anger. "For God's sake!"

Nick enters the office in time to catch the response. The speaker is
a small man, middle-aged with brown straight hair. He has the
passionate look of a zealot in his eyes, and he delivers his words
with theatrical flair. Nick slides quietly into a chair.

"Let me give you a little inside information about God. God likes to
watch. He's a prankster. Think about it. He gives man instincts! He
gives you this extraordinary gift and then what does he do? I swear
for his own private amusement, his own private cosmic gag reel; he
sets the rules in opposition. It's the goof of all time. Look but
don't touch. Touch but don't taste! Taste but don't swallow. Ah ha!
And then when you're jumping up and down from one foot to the next
what's he doing? He's laughing his sick fucking ass off. He's a
tight ass! He's a sadist! He's an absentee land lord. Worship that?
Never!"

Nick sits in the chair his hand covering his mouth but his eyes are
twinkling in amusement.

"You have something to say?" Lieberman barks at Nick.

Nick removes his hand, but still with the small smile creasing his
lips he says, "Get off the cross… somebody else needs the wood."
Burton is appalled at Nick, but he has no time to chastise him
before his son speaks again. "What you have just said… is one of the
most insanely idiotic things I've ever heard. At no point in your
rambling, incoherent response was there anything that could even be
considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber
for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have
mercy on your soul."

The small man swoops on Nick and shakes his hand robustly. "This one
of yours?" he asks Burton. "Give me him for the rest of the day.
I'll be out of your hair and I'm sure we'll get on like a house on
fire. Does he have a name or should I just call him `lawyer'?"

The look on his Dad's face is threatening to unglue Nick, so he
moves to the window and turns his back on the two men for a second
to compose himself. He won't allow his Dad to apologize for him, so
he turns to Lieberman and introduces himself. "I'm Burton's son,
Nicholas…Nick."

"Len… One line Len. My major current hobby is teasing people who
take themselves and the quality of their knowledge too seriously.
One can also make a living out of the process… it's called
speculative trading. You?"

"I'm a lawyer. What I *do* for a living may not be very reputable…
but *I* am. In this town, I'm the leper with the most fingers."

Nick notices the painting on leaning on the wall, and points to it,
an unspoken question on his face.

Len smiles. "I paint them. A gift for Burton. What do you think of
this one?"

Nick pauses collecting his thoughts. "It's nice... if you're on
mushrooms."

Len raises his eyebrow in surprise. *This kid is good. I'm going to
have a great day!* "You're good, baby, I'll give you that. But me?
I'm Magic!"


Nick points to his father and then looks at Len. "He doesn't like
you."

"I'm sorry…" Len supplies the next line.

"I don't like you either." Nick is now in full swing and is just
abut to make another scathing remark when…

"Enough!" Nick turns in shock at his father's raised voice.

Raising his hands palm up in supplication, Nick, still smiling
says, "Dad, please, let me explain."

~*~

They leave the office together. Nick is happy with the arrangement.
He didn't want to be there today anyway. Now all he has to do is
entertain Len until they meet up with Burton for dinner. Easy! Both
men stand in silence, each thinking *what next?* when one of the
secretaries passes.

Len…"God, don't you want to fuck every woman you see at least once?"

Nick… "You're a little low on the food chain to be mouthing off."

Len… "You're dead, son, get yourself buried."

Nick… "You're acting like a thing from another tax bracket."

Len takes out his tattered note book and writes in it. "One to you,
Nick."

"Have you eaten?" Nick asks, heading to his car.

"Show me how smart you are. Show me your town. You know, I live in
New York and I have never been to the top of the Empire State
building."

"I have, when I lived there I went to all the visitors sights. The
Statue of Liberty is awesome, it has a great history, and you should
go visit these places. They're good fun."

"Maybe if I had someone to take, I would go." Len seems to sink into
himself. Nick looks at his companion and thinks, *Just another
lonely middle aged man.*

Trying to make conversation has become stilted and Nick tries to
find a way to loosen Len and get him back to the happy place
again. "How did you come by your knowledge of the movies?"

"I was the kid who knew all the stupid facts, the one with no social
skills. I hung on to sanity by being clever. I am smart! I am so
Smart! S-m-r-t! I mean S-M-A-R-T." Len looks sideways at Nick and
says quietly, "You stuck up half witted, scruffy looking nerf
herder! That's what they used to call me."

*Been there done that* Nick thinks. "In this world you must be smart
or pleasant. For years I was smart. I would recommend pleasant." No
reply. "You're not impressed?"

Len looks over slyly, "My life is a dark room. One big dark room. –
I myself am… strange and unusual…"

Nick… "Sell crazy some place else, we're all stocked up here"

Len…"Hmm, One hundred thousand sperm and you were the fastest?"

Nick claps Len on the back, "I wanna be like you. I figure all I
need is a lobotomy and a pair of tights." He pauses, and then
asks. "You're going into the movie business? Documentaries? You're
not going to challenge James Cameron yet then?"

"Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you shoved a lump
of coal up his ass in two weeks you'd have a diamond."

Nick takes a piece of paper from his pocket and writes on it. *
Damn, this is fun, I hope I don't lose!* he thinks.

"Let's go for a drink instead," suggests Len.

Nick rubs his forehead. "I'm not allowed to drink."

"What did you do? Did you abscond with the church funds? Did you run
off with a Senator's wife? I'd like to think that you killed a man.
It's the romantic in me." Len teases him, but Nick knows the real
answer.

He comes back with the line. "It was a combination of all three."

~*~

Nick makes up his mind and tells Len, "I'm going to take you on a
boat trip, the Allegheny River Crossings tour. This is something I
do when things get a little hairy. It calms me, and the history of
the bridges is awesome."

Standing on the upper deck Nick and Len watch the bridges come and
go. Starting at Fort Duquesne, Nick explains the bridge to nowhere
story, and then the boat takes them under 6th, 7th, and 9th, the
beautiful golden three sisters gleaming in the sun. Breathing a sigh
of sheer contentment, Nick narrates the story of the bridges and
when they were built. Farther up to Fort Wayne then on to the
Veteran's Bridge then the 16th. The journey is peaceful and Len is
taken aback by Nick's knowledge.

"You're not the average lawyer, are you?"

Nick laughs, seeing an opportunity to start the game again. "I work
harder than God. If he had hired me, He would have had the world
made by Thursday."

Len glowers at him and write in his notebook. "I'll give you a piece
of advice. Always do business as if the person you're doing business
with is trying to screw you. Because he probably is. And if he's not
you can be pleasantly surprised."

Nick writes on his paper and tries hard to come up with a
rejoinder. "The appearance of the law must be upheld. Especially
when it is being broken."

"God, Nick you're good, I've never met someone who could spout such
rubbish."

"This is the only way you can hope to survive because life is not a
movie. Everyone lies. Good guys lose, and love does not conquer
all," Nick butts in.

Len paces the deck, failing to find a suitable retort. A young woman
passes and he turns to Nick and says, "The last time I saw a walk
like that was in Jurassic Park."

This remark does not please Nick. The young woman had heard and was
hurt by it. "What is your major malfunction numb nuts?" Nick puts
feeling into the remark and it stings Len into a temper.

"You would rather I had said, `How would you like a sexual
experience so intense it could conceivably change your political
view?'

"I would rather you had kept your remark to yourself. My father
always used to say that a man could never outdo a woman when it came
to love or revenge. That woman will remember what you said and be
hurt by it for a long time. You think that is right?"

Len is furious now and shouts at Nick, "Get out of my way son,
you're using my oxygen."

"You are a sad, strange little man. You have my pity."

Len, his shoulders squared and his face red with fury, points a
finger at Nick. "You know you're my lawyer? You know that line
you're not supposed to cross?"

"I crossed it?" Nick asks, amused

"Look behind you!" With that parting sting, Len moves away from Nick
to sit by himself.

Nick can't let go, and says, "You're not only wrong. You're wrong at
the top of your voice."

Len growls out, "You're dead son, get yourself buried."

Nick writes that on his paper and the sight of him doing so
brightens Len once more.

"Len I'm going to take you to the Incline when we get off the boat.
There is someone I'd like you to meet."

~*~

"Len, I'd like you to meet Stacy. Now be nice, she's a friend of
mine. Could we have two club sodas with a twist, Stacy, please?"

Len can't give in and has to remark, "There's nothing wrong with
letting the girls know that you're money and that you want to party."

Stacy hands them their drinks, and looking at Len, she says, "You're
not too smart are you? I like that in a man."

"I will be your Rhett…"

Stacy interrupts, "To hell with Rhett, I have a vibrator."

"This is why you're so good. You spar with her?" Len looks at Nick
in admiration.

"She wins more often than I do, but my lines are classier." Nick
laughs at the look on Stacy's face. "We are what we love, not what
loves us."

Len reaches and clasps Stacy's hand. "It was my own fault. I was
looking up. You were there… it was the nearest thing to heaven. Come
to dinner with me, you're the best person I've ever met. I swear,
I'm normal… please."

"It's the so-called normal guys that always let you down. Sickos
never scare me. At least they're committed." Stacy pauses then
says, "I finish in fifteen minutes."

"Nick, I have a date!"

"Love denied blights the soul we owe to God, Nick returns. Let me
say this Len if you hurt her, I'll torture you so slowly you'll
think it's a career."

Len writes in his note book. "How are we looking?" he asks, and the
two men sit and compare notes. "Ha… we're even. Nick, you really are
good."

Stacy stands at the table and as Len stands up, she says, "Take me
to a place where the drugs are free, the clubs have no gravity, and
every shag guarantees an orgasm!"

Smiling like he had won the first prize in a lottery, Len offers her
his arm. Turning to Nick he says, "Please apologize to your father
for me, and remember, if I don't call, I just want you to know it's
because I'm dead."

Cupping Stacy's face in his hand he says softly, "I want you to be
with me." He watches as the smile slips from Nick's face. "What's
wrong, Nick? If you don't know that one, I win."

The furrow appears in Nick's brow as he concentrates. He knows he
should remember that one, but it just escapes him. "I concede."

Len takes Nick's paper and writes on it.

Nick looks down and sighs. "I knew I should have remembered that!"

The End

Movie one liners… the last one is the best… check it out!!!!



1. Let me give you a little information about God… Devils
Advocate 1997
2. Get down from the cross… Pricilla Queen of the Desert
3. What you just said… Billy Madison
4. Does he have a name or should I just… Ace Ventura
5. My major current hobby… A Few Good Men
6. What I do for a living… The Two Jakes 1990
7. What do you think of this one… Wall ST
8. You're good baby… Daredevil 2003
9. He doesn't like you…Star Wars.
10. God don't you want to fuck… The Talented Mr Ripley 1999
11. You're a little low on the food chain… Ice Age2002
12. You're dead son…Sweet Smell of Success. 1957
13. You're acting like a thing from another tax…Buffy
14. I am smart… Snatch
15. You stuck up… nerf herder… Star Wars
16. In this world you must be smart or pleasant… Harvey
17. My life is a dark room…Beetlejuice
18. Sell crazy somewhere else… As Good As It Gets
19. One hundred thousand sperm…Vertical Limit 2000
20. I wanna be like you… Breakfast Club 1985
21. Pardon my French but…Ferris Buellers Day Off 1986

22. What did you do… A Few Good Men
23. I work harder than God…Keeping The Faith 2000
24. Always do business as if…Spanish Prisoner 1997
25. The appearance of the law must be upheld…Gangs of New York
26. This is the only way you can hope to survive…Swimming With
Sharks 1995

27. The last time I saw a walk like that…Miss Congeniality 2000
28. What is your major malfunction…Full Metal Jacket 1987
29. How would you like asexual experience…Sure Thing 1985
30. My father always used to say…War of the Roses 1989
31. Get out of my way son…One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest 1975
32. You're a sad strange little man…Toy story
33. You know that line you're not supposed to cross… West wing
series three
34. You're not only wrong …Bad Day at Black Rock 1955
35. You're dead son…Sweet Smell of Success 1957
36. There's nothing wrong with letting…Swingers 1996
37. You're not too smart are you…Body Heat 1981
38. To hell with Rhett…Something About Mary 1998
39. We are what we love…Adaptation 2002
40. It's the normal guys who…Batman Returns1992
41. Love denied blights…Shakespeare in Love 1998
42. I'll torture you so slowly…Hudson Hawk 1991
43. Take me to a place…Human Traffic 1999
44. If I don't call you…Mystery Men 1990
45. I want you to be with me…Sunset strip…. Simon Baker