Reflections

Email: peacejaw@yahoo.com

Rating: PG-13: For Language and Tough Topics.

Summary: Nick Fallin reflects on his life and his relationship with Lulu.

Spoilers: The Weight

Disclaimer: I do not own The Guardian or it’s characters. I do own this
story. Do I make money of this story? Nope! Please don’t sue –you won’t
get anything anyways

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Death.

It’s such a final ending to one’s life. How do you even begin to
understand what the impact of it has on your life? You are the one who
is left behind and must face the pain that death has left behind.

The first person I know that died was my mother. How I loved her… how I
still do. At the funeral, I was completely numb. Numb to pain, numb to
people, and numb to the world. I didn’t, more to the point, couldn’t
feel anything. By then, I had already learned how to turn all of my
internal sensors off and have all of my shields up and running on
maximum power.

And it’s a good thing too. Hundreds of people, it seemed, paid their
respects to my father and I at the funeral. People I had never met, had
never seen, and hadn’t known existed all said something to the effect
of: “I’m sorry for your loss” or “You poor thing –losing your mother so
young” or “I know exactly how you feel”. Truth be told, though, there
wasn’t a soul at the funeral who understood what I was going through.
Nor did they want to. Somehow, when it was all over and done with,
everyone knew enough to leave things well enough alone.

Unfortunately for me, after everyone was gone, it just left my father
and me alone together. To top that off, my father didn’t know what to do
with me… so he shipped me off to boarding school. That was just a place
where I could practice keeping my masks up and running. Of course I made
all the proper friends, but no one really saw the real me. In fact, I’m
not sure that I have ever known the real me.

Drugs.

Yeah, I know that I messed up big time when I got busted for drugs, but
I don’t blame anyone other than myself. I could also give you a bunch of
reasons for doing the drugs, but then I would be copping out of my
responsibility of accepting the consequences of said actions. Sure, I
had my reasons for doing drugs, but I was wrong for actually turning to
drugs in the first place. I can actually see that now.

Trouble is… if it weren’t for facing the consequences of drug abuse, I
wouldn’t have my “job” at Legal Aide. I also wouldn’t have remembered
what it was like to love someone. I would gladly give up facing the life
and death issues that I face on a regular basis though.

Life isn’t always fair and I learned that early on in life. However,
there’s nothing in life that can prepare you for watching a child die…
not even losing your own mother. And it hurts more and more the more you
see it happen. And there are only two people that can understand that
much about me: Lulu and Laurie.

Good grief! They both mean so much to me that I wouldn’t know what I
would do if I lost either one of them. Unfortunately Lulu is fighting
for her life at this very moment. That damn car accident has done
wonders for the both of us. She’s damaged physically and I’m damaged
emotionally. Whey the hell do I always have to be the strong one and the
one who almost always ends up surviving whatever comes along? Life
really isn’t fair now is it?

And why is it that I feel as though I have found my way home through
Legal Aide and Lulu? I don’t even know if there’s an actual answer to
that question. Up until I started working for Legal Aide, I hadn’t cried
since my mother’s death. Since starting at Legal Aide, I have cried
several times… once in public for that matter. I’ve always hid behind a
false armor and wouldn’t let anything get to me.

No more.

It seemed like I couldn’t get away fast enough from the light that Lulu
gave off. She drew me in and now I don’t want to let her go. Yet it’s
probable hat I’ll have to. So what is the lesson that I’m supposed to
learn watching the light of my life die?

All I want to do is crawl away and die. It’s not supposed to be like
this. I should have been the one driving. I’m the one who is supposed to
be in the coma and my way to dying. At least there would have been no
more pain and torment in my death. I would have found peace once and for
all.

Yet I’m finding myself feeling that I’m … almost grateful to be alive.
As much as I don’t want to live with Lulu or any of the children I’ve
seen die, there’s a part of me that’s glad it’s not me that is so messed
up that it’s better to be dead. Talk about a walking contradiction!

At least Lulu and Laurie understand me. And maybe I can start to
understand my own father one day... In due time, I guess. For now,
though, I must say ‘Goodbye my love’ to Lulu and say ‘thank you for
always being there for me.’ Christ! Why do goodbyes always to be so rough?

I am Nick Fallin… always have been and always will be. No one can take
that away from me but me –despite his or her interference in my life. I
also choose to fight the undertow that seeks to destroy me… though I
know it’s going to be a rough ride.

The End!