Shut Down 
 
Author:  Limonize
 
Email:  spiral@spinfinder.com
 
Rating: NC-17
 
Summary:  Aftermath of the cellphone-smashing incident
 
 
--+--


Nick awoke, feeling scoured from the night before. And angry. It was
that psychiatrist's fault. He could hear Dr. Meade's word's echoing.

`You're shut down…". Shut down. Shut down. Shut down.

"why don't you try…?" As if he didn't.

"…and see where it takes you?" This is where it took me. This is
where it bloody took me, asshole, said Nick sorely, in his unspoken
thoughts.

Nick had now seen where his useless advice had taken him: feeling
vulnerable. Out of control. Hurt.

Deeply unhappy.

On impulse, he decided to call Dr. Meades and let him know what he
thought of his $105/hr sessions. He had not gotten to throwing his
card out of his wallet, and found the number in very little time.

"Dr. Meades?"

It was Dr. Meades outsourced answering service. "This is the answering
service. Please leave your name and number. Dr. Meade checks in on
the hour."

What about emergencies? Nick briefly considered abandoning his plan
to confront him. But he had started something: now he would follow
through. He left his number:

"Nicholas Fallin: 888-1341"

"Thank you, Mr. Fallin. Your call will be passed along to him."

The phone rang as Nick emerged from his kitchen three quarter of an
hour later.

"Dr. Meade, here. How can I help?"

"You can tell me where you get off charging $105/hr. for your pathetic
advice, that's what!"

"Mr. Fallin, Nick - has something happened?"

"What would it cost me to answer your question?" Nick sneered.

"I stand by what I said" answered Meade with an infuriating calmness.
"You're shut down. Even now, you don't want to say what's bothering
you, when it's clear that a lot is bothering you."

"Maybe I don't want to spill my guts to any guy that hangs up a
shingle and calls himself a head doctor – does that ever occur to you?"

"You KNOW you have problems." After no response from Nick, Dr. Meade
continued: "When exactly do you think IS the ideal time, person and
place to deal with them?". There was now a hint of sympathy in his voice.

"My problem is that I'm having trouble keeping it together. My
concentration is going. And taking your bloody advice has made things
ten times worse." Nick choked.

"I'd like to help you, Nick. I really would. As a gesture of good
faith, I'm willing to forgo my usual fee this morning – if, and only
if, you do meet with me this morning. In my office. And if and only
if, you take some responsibility for the communication process between
us. You can't work on problems with silence, and I can't help you
work on problems if I don't know what's going on! Fair enough?"

Nick didn't know what to do. He needed to talk to someone. He felt
all his secrets would leak out on him at the wrong time if he didn't
do something.

"Okay. Okay, where? What time?". Nick was wondering if he wasn't
being the biggest idiot on the planet. Lawyers sued shrinks. They
hired them as consultants on cases. They didn't visit them on a
Saturday morning after a hangover. And his father had said the family
"mental illness" thing was crap. But he knew that Dr. Meade had an
oath of confidentiality he had to keep. To Nick, that made a difference.

"Why don't you tell me what's been happening?"

"There's this woman – a married woman – I..we were.." Nick found
himself breathing heavily.

"Having an affair?"

"We were…I was..feeling pretty close to her." Nick answered carefully.

"How close?"

Nick stopped breathing. At some point he realized this and sucked in
some air and let go of it: "I loved her." There. Nick had said it
again: The big "L" word. It came out more easily this time.

"And how did she feel about you?"

"I…" A sob choked out of Nick. "I thought…" he began again. But he
couldn't go on. His eyes became instantly inflamed. He tried to
squeeze them shut in desperation, trying to stem the flood tide of
pain that was about break out of him like a bursting dam.

"Ahg-ah!..Oa-oa-ahg!...." were the only contorted sounds he was able
to utter. They came from his stomach and Dr. Meade looked on, deeply
moved by the intensity of his suffering.

"Let it go…" said Dr. Meade softly.

~ ~ ~

"Nick? It's Lulu." Her voice sounded distant, as if she were calling
from another country.

"I know your voice." said Nick, more matter-of-factly than he had
intended. "What's happening?" Nick asked her, guardedly.

"Well, I'm going to be coming up to Pittsburgh for a couple of days on
the upcoming long weekend – to take care of some business. Did you
want to get together, or?"

Nick paused for a long second, that seemed to stretch into eternity
for both of them. Nick began to cry. "I don't know, Lulu" he
sniffled. "Maybe it wouldn't be such a great idea." He began to sob
again.

"Nick? Are you okay?" she asked with deep concern. When he didn't
answer, she asked: "Is it about us?

"How can you can ask me that?" He asked incredulously, his voice
breaking and cracking. "How can you?" He broke out sobbing yet
again, sounding even more troubled and forlorn.

She was at a loss. She had thought that maybe he would have a new
girlfriend by now, and all but forgotten she existed. Smooth Nick
Fallin. She had cried her eyes for nights. Now, hearing him cry, she
felt almost numb.

"You always kept your distance. You always went out with other women.
I didn't think you really cared."

"I told you how I felt about you."

"I guess I was too insecure to believe it."

"I wouldn't be good company, Lulu."

"Tell me what you've been doing with yourself lately?"

"Getting drunk."

She chuckled a little, as she had, when he had told her about throwing
his cell phone.

"What have you been doing?" he asked her reticently.

"Crying."

"What about?" he asked, thinking perhaps her job was more
disappointing than she expected. Now it was Lulu's tears that began
to fall.

"You."

`Why did you leave?"

"It was too painful for me to want you and work with you" - she paused
to catch her breath – "believing I was just another conquest of
yours". She took a sharp breath, and tried to continue as best she
could: "And the way you went after Brian when you represented the
hospital. It seemed like you were just obsessed with the challenge of
everything and that you wanted to humiliate both of us - even when you
were going out with Kim. And when Brian and I were split, you
couldn't be bothered spend any time with me except to have sex, or
would never talk about a future for us."

"I guess I am a selfish, spoiled brat, Lulu. I wanted you for myself.
I wanted you since the first time I met you. Even when I hated you,
I wanted you. When you stayed overnight at Kim's, I couldn't stop
thinking about you in the other room, the whole time I was with her.
I didn't know what kind of future I could have offered you, on
probation." Nick felt he had said all he was capable of. It was
already more than he would ever considered prudent to admit to anyone.

"Nick? Do you think I'm a bad person?"

"Only when you steal Twinkies."

"I'm going to be a lot worse when I get there." She answered in mock
seriousness.

"You're going to steal MORE twinkies?" He challenged her
mischievously, wiping his eyes.

"I'm going to find more washrooms for us to do it in."

Nick suddenly felt himself supercharged, as his genitalia sprang to
life and warm, urgent sensations spread throughout his lower torso..

"Uh Lulu, I don't think that's such a good idea."

"No?" she inquired, trying to hard gauge his mood.

"I don't think a washroom would be big enough for what I've got
waiting for you."

"Huh?" Lulu's mind went momentarily blank, on trying to make sense of
his remark. Then Lulu "got" it. " -- YOU conceited..!" she started
to laugh. She could imagine his big smirk.

More tears rolled out quietly, while Nick smirked broadly, as she had
imagined. This time his tears were from relief, and laughter.

"Call me when you leave CA, Lu." said Nick warmly - yet diluted with
that touch of Fallin coolness. Then he hung up.

~ ~ ~

"She's coming to visit you? How do you feel about that, Nick?"

"How do I feel about it? - ah well - very horny". Nick smirked from
the corner of his mouth.

"Very funny, Mr. Fallin..."

Nick started to laugh again for the second time in a week.

Dr. Meade waited patiently. Nick was not his most forthcoming
patient. But he was certainly one of his most challenging.

~ ~ ~
 
THE END