The Darkness Awaits

Author: peacejaw

Email: peacejaw@yahoo.com

Summary: Set sometime before Burton Fallin's heart attack.

Rating: PG

Author's Note: This story is a bit AU, as I've worked it so that Burton
knew Laurie long before Nick ever met her.

Disclaimer: I don't own The Guardian or its characters. I do, however,
own this story.

--+--

"Tell Nick that … I'm proud of him…"

When I was a little boy, I knew that my father was proud of me. He
actually let me know by his actions instead of by words. Things like
taking me out to celebrate a good report card, taking an interest in
what I liked, and constantly bragging to his friends about me all let me
know that he was proud of me. I guess that it would also be expected if
you were an only child.

Still, any number of things about my life could lead you to think that a
lot was expected of me since the day I was born. In a sense, that was
actually the case … but I was willing to live up to that expectation.
There has been a long line of Fallin's here in Pittsburgh who became
lawyers and judges … and not surprisingly, dad passed on that
expectation to me. I had to be the one of the great Fallin's, a true
Fallin by blood and reputation.

And then there was my view on things. It'd be easy for me to say that my
father pushed me too hard when I was a kid … trying to make me into the
best and brightest lawyer Pittsburgh has ever seen; and in my own right.
After all, I'm smarter than even my father. But the truth is, I pushed
him. Being a lawyer has always been in my blood and I simply wanted to
be the best lawyer that I could.

But I slipped. Hell, I screwed up big time…and it was entirely all my
fault. I could tell you that being pushed beyond my limits and having
too many expectations is what helped screw me up…and you would
undoubtedly believe it. Yet I don't because I know the truth. And truth
be told, almost everything that has ever happened in my life was a
result of my own selfish choices. Sometimes I wonder if I actually
screwed up my life on purpose, 'cause it's a lot easier to be a failure
then it is to be the person that I know that I can be. Yet, there is a
part of me –albeit a well hidden part of me- that knows that I can be
someone special … that I can be someone important … that I can be
something great. And that's despite the fact that I have made a lot of
my own mistakes in life … that I've screwed up too many times to count…
and that I have failed quite a few times in my life.

There's also something in me that knows I'm not worthy … that I'm
nothing … that I'm a nobody and I can't do a damn thing about it. I
can't do anything right and everything that I actually do right always
manages to blow up in my face. As much as I don't want to admit it, it
truly is hard to live such a double standard … so I find that it's
easier to hide in whatever I can. I hide it in my work, in a cocky
assurance, arrogance, and sometimes, even pride. I play the part of the
hero as well as the perfect lawyer who doesn't show his emotions.

"Tell Nick that … I'm proud of him…"

Unlike the others here at Legal Aide, I didn't have too much of a choice
in working here … at least not at first anyway. I was working off a
criminal sentence because I got caught doing drugs. In the process of
starting over, though, I realized that I had lost all of my close
friends and had nearly lost my father … although I knew by then that he
wasn't proud of me any more. I had lost his pride long before then.

At Legal Aide, I quickly gained responsibilities, duties, and real
friendships. It's hard to believe, but I was actually given another
chance … and I've been doing my best work here. The surprising fact is,
I've come to realize that this is the kind of work that I was born to do
and that I love working with children.

Yeah, I'm not the greatest lawyer at Legal Aide. And yes, I know that I
still make mistakes, but I hold a great deal of respect for the people
around me. And they have started to respect me as well.

Okay, so maybe I'm still hiding … and maybe I still want to fail at this
job too. Why not? It's certainly pretty challenging work –always facing
life and death choices and what not. My probation will also be over
sooner or later and it will give me a chance to move on. I guess it
would boil down to one simple question: if my father really knew me,
would he be proud of me with all the work I've been doing at Legal Aide?
I've asked this question over and over, but I never come up with an
acceptable answer. As sad as this makes me, I know that it's mainly
because I don't know my father just as he doesn't know me.

When I was little, I didn't have to earn his respect or his pride. I
simply had it because I was his son. When I was older, it became obvious
to even me that he was proud of me only because I wanted what he wanted
for my life. So what made things go from bad to worse? I managed to
disgrace him, just as I disgraced our family name. I knew that the
moment it'd happened, I'd lost all hope of him being proud me at all.

But then I started making a difference at Legal Aide … and I've started
making a life for myself at the one place that I could truly do some
good. Yet I still don't know if he could ever be proud of me again. How
could I when there is still a certain distance between us. Maybe after
all this time he still considers me to be his son and I just don't know
it. Or maybe he actually wants to be proud of me just because I'm me?
After all, I'm finally doing something worthwhile with my life. But
would he, could he tell me before its too late?

"Tell Nick that … I'm proud of him…"

Am I though? Am I really worth being proud of? Am I making that much of
a difference in my father's life? Have I done something for him to be
proud of me? Truth be told, I really don't know. I don't know him well
enough to know anything for sure. What I do know, though, is that
sometimes I feel like I'm just along for the ride with him. I also know
that since starting at Legal Aide, I've screwed up just as much as I've
done some good.

No, he wouldn't be proud of me –he just couldn't be. After all, I'm not
proud of me … so how can he be? Maybe he's saying that he loves me or
that he's sorry for something. That should be enough, but it's not. Why
would I want to know the truth of what he's saying? Why can't I just
accept … ?

Only one person might have the answer for me … and that's because she's
the only one who knows my father well enough to actually know. And I
can't ask her mainly because she's also the only person who knows the
real me … the real me with all of my faults and weaknesses. She knows
about the part of me that is hidden so carefully from the world … the
part of me who fails on purpose because I'm afraid to live up to my full
potential, and despite everything, knows that she can see right through
me. She's been able to since the first time we met.

Maybe it's because she's known my father for so long that she knows how
to read me. Or maybe it's because we trust each other like we trust no
other. After all, she just didn't know him … he's her mentor… always has
been and probably always will. And she's certainly everything I'm not.
If there's anyone out there who can turn me into a good person and
lawyer, it's her.

I just wish that I could ask her, but I know that I can't do such a
thing. I wouldn't know where to start the conversation, let alone ask
her something as serious as this. Besides, I'm not sure if I actually
want an answer. Sure, she'd give me answers, but it would be the truth
and not some lame excuse. That's who she is and there's no turning away
from the truth, or from her. Laurie is a lot like my father in that way.

"Tell Nick that … I'm proud of him…"

Walking from the hospital to her place, I try talking myself out of
actually showing up at her front door unannounced. It is, after all,
pretty late and she could be asleep. Yet I knew that if I didn't go
through with this now, I never would … and it's unlikely that I would
have another chance to respond to what she has to say.

She answers the door after the second knock, and for whatever reason,
she doesn't seem to be surprised to see me. Thankfully it doesn't seem
like she's anywhere near close to going to bed with the stack of papers
on the table waiting to be dealt with. "I hope that I'm not keeping you
from something important …"

Laurie gives me a heart-warming smile and waves me in to the couch. "Not
at all, Nick. I always have time for a friend who needs a good listener."

Damn! She's already sensed something in me … or maybe she was actually
just expecting me. I make my way over to the sofa and sit down. She sits
in the chair across from me and waits for me to speak first. I thought
that I had something prepared for this moment, but that doesn't seem
quite right now that I'm here. It's almost as if what I had prepared was
false … not really from my heart … and not worth saying. So instead I
simply say, "Well, I wanted to seek some answers from you. When I first
met you in the court-house that first time, you said that you knew my
father." She nods her head as her answer.

When we first met, I had just started working at Legal Aide –though back
then it was called by another name- and she was the one who handed me my
first case. When she introduced herself, she told me how she worked in
my father's office while she was putting herself through college. They
grew close during those four years and their friendship only continued
after that. Only I never met the women until after my own trouble with
the law.

And now our friendship has grown close since our initial meeting.
"Right," I say matter-of-factly. "Well, I know that you're closer to him
than I'll ever be. Until now, I had convinced myself that it really
didn't matter. Now…?" Now my father is in the hospital and dying of cancer.

"Tell Nick that … I'm proud of him…"

Now I don't know what to think or what do now that my father is dying …
and she seems to understand that. She waits for me to continue. And
eventually, I do. "I know what he said to you today … that he told you
that he was proud of me. I don't think he is proud of me because I think
he's proud of you for being a role model to me and keeping me in line
since my arrest."

She almost seems surprised with what I've said. Still, her voice was
calm when she said, "I think that you are too hard on yourself, Nick. Of
course your father is proud of you! He's seen the way you have turned
yourself around since starting at Legal Aide … and you are well on your
way to becoming everything that you can be. And it's all because of your
working at Legal Aide … and none of it, I might add, had anything to do
with how I see you."

I wish I could just crawl away and cry now. She's proud of me … is it
possible for him to be proud of me too? She interrupts my thoughts by
saying, "Sure you've made your mistakes, Nick, but look at you now. You
are learning from your mistakes and you are making a difference … not
only at Legal Aide, but also in the children that you work with. I think
a lot of what I see in him I see in you … that same pride in the work
that you do, the same bearing, and the same desire to make a difference
at everything you do."

Tears slid down my cheeks then. Most people would have never be able to
guess how much I wanted to walk away from the truth right at that moment
in time, but she did; and she moved in to hug me. As unbelievable as it
was, she was teaching me another important lesson: That it's okay to
cry. I haven't been able to cry in a long time, mainly because I have
had to be the strong one in most of my surroundings.

She's also teaching me that I have lived behind a false armor for way
too long. And with the one person who I can always trust, I decided let
it all go … but only because she was right.

And there in the darkness, I realized something about her too. I slowly
realized why she has always been able to see through all of my barriers
… and right through me, even with all the armor that I had built up.
She's always been able to see me because she has all the same barriers,
armor, and protections. The darkness, however, has brought us together.

"Tell Nick that … I'm proud of him…"

I take my time in heading back to the hospital so that I could think of
what to say to my father. When I finally arrive, I realized that my
father knows that I heard him earlier today … and the only words that I
need to say is, "I heard you today … really heard you … and thank you
for accepting me as your son again." Peace fills his face and I know
that we have come to an understanding with each other … something I
thought that would never happen before his untimely death.

"Tell Nick that … I'm proud of him…"

I heard you dad … and I love you too.

The End!