Daddy Nick & Mommy Lulu
 
Author: Sarah
 
Email: grauvose@muohio.edu
 
Rating: PG
 
Summary: Nick, Lulu and the pregnancy
 
 
--+--


Closing the door behind him, something told her that it was the end…
the end of them at least. She turned around, and with her back to the
door, slid down and sat there, her knees in tight under her chin and
her arms wrapped securely around them. She had never felt so empty…so
alone.

Saying that she loved him was her first mistake, letting him walk away
was her second – but she knew there was no way to keep him from going.
It wasn't so much that she wanted him to say I love you… she just
wanted him to say something, to show some resistance… but he didn't.
Their relationship seemed so different now, since he found out about
the baby, and then job. That just wasn't the life he wanted, or at
least not the life he was ready for.

All he could say was I'm sorry… even if he meant it, it didn't stop
him from leaving when their relationship was difficult, their future
uncertain. He just assumed let her make the decisions, let her be the
one to take responsibility for their actions, let her be the one to
walk away from their relationship.

Somehow, she thought it would be different, that maybe if she tried to
make it work this time – it would, that she'd finally get it right,
that she could be happy. But no, she was wrong again. As angry as
she'd like to be with him, she couldn't really blame him for his
reaction… after all, he had no idea what he was getting himself
into…nor did she. Maybe they both weren't ready.

It was the first time in a long time that Lulu found herself wishing
that she had died in that accident, that when Nick told her to let go
– she would've listened. Maybe it would've been easier that way; the
pain could've ended long before it really began.


Walking back to his car, Nick didn't know what to feel… he couldn't
remember the last time anyone had said those words to him. I love
you…Nick certainly didn't expect to hear those words tonight when he
came by, he wasn't ready to.

Maybe I'm not ready, for any of this, Nick thought to himself, maybe
it would be best if she left. He never imagined a day would come where
he would say that, that maybe she should go and leave him to his
misery. Nick knew he would miss her, hell… he already did…

It just didn't seem fair, for her to say that she loved him without
any prior warning or reason. Her words came out of nowhere, scaring
him. Nick felt very deeply for her, and told her that many times, but
now… when it mattered most, he didn't know how to respond, and walked
away.

Nick knew there was no forgiveness for what he had done, walking out
was probably worse than saying he didn't love her in return. He looked
back at her house, and his heart sank.

It would be a long, lonely night, one that until now -- he didn't have
to spend alone…

God will I miss her, he said quietly to himself as he walked to his
car. Even after the accident, the first time he came home from the
hospital, Nick didn't feel this bad…this guilty…about walking away,
not knowing if he'd ever see her again. Then, he promised her he'd be
back… tonight, he hadn't said a word…


(the next morning, F&F)

Burton peered into his son's office, finding him tucked away… or
perhaps better said hiding, behind the desk, "Nicholas?"

"What?" Nick glanced up quickly, only to return his bloodshot eyes to
the contracts spilled out in front of him.

"There's something I've been meaning to talk to you about…" Burton
began as he moved in closer toward his son, "it's important."

Nick cringed, he hated when his father said that. The it's important
line – it never really was, at least not for him. He just didn't have
the time or the interest for his father's small talk today, "I'm busy
right now."

"This cannot wait…" his father sat down in the chair, and
uncomfortably crossed his legs, waiting for Nick's attention.

"All right." Nick dropped his pen along side the papers, to show his
agitation, and looked up at his father.

Without much hesitation, Burton cleared his throat and laid it on him
- "I don't want you to make a choice that you're going to regret."

"A choice?" Nick repeated, never able to tell with his father if was
meddling in his personal life or referring to some professional decision.

Burton nodded, "about Louisa…"

"It's her decision…" Nick corrected, though at this time the day
before he would've felt much differently.

Burton lowered his head, neither proud nor ashamed, "that's what I
thought as well…"

"No, this is a different situation…" Nick clarified, keeping his clear
blue eyes focused on the contracts before him.

"Is it?" Burton waited a moment. Since his son gave no immediate
reply, he felt obligated to continue, "at the time, I thought we were
making the right choice, but…"

Nick shook his head, "no – you paid for her to have an abortion, and
she died – your problems ended there. I offered to marry Louisa and
provide a home for our…the baby… she said no… it is not the same…"

"Is that what she wants?" Burton mumbled, wondering if his son even
cared what this Lulu wanted to do about the situation.

Aggravated by his father's sudden interest in his life and desperately
wanting to end their conversation, Nick raised his head; their eyes
met "You know what? Stay out of my life… you made your mistakes and
I'll make mine…me doing one thing or another won't change your past."

"Dammit, Nicholas," Burton stammered angrily in reply, hurt by his
son's reaction, "you know that's not what I am trying to do…"

"Maybe I'm not ready," Nick swallowed hard, realizing the impact that
his painful words had on his father – yet he didn't regret what he
said. His father certainly couldn't make up for lost time now.

Burton turned away a moment, gathering his thoughts. A former addict
who could've lost his career, stuck on parole, with no family to call
his own and a life that is built around his job. Burton knew first
hand that was no way to live, his own choice to do so had cost him
everything. He looked back at his son, who was nothing like the man
he dreamt him to be, the son he wanted. "You're almost 34 years old,
son, and what do you have to show for it?"

"And whose fault is that!?!?" Nick sneered, playing the role of the
spoiled and immature child all too well.

"Don't you dare try to blame me for everything you've done wrong…"
Burton pointed his finger in accusation toward Nick, who sat
defenseless behind his desk, "you made those decisions not I…"

Nick got up from his desk, and walked toward the door, stopping in
front of his father, "I know… I know… you've always been there to pick
up the pieces, smooth things over…make everything okay by talking to a
friend, your connections, buying someone off… I'M SICK OF IT!"

"One of these days…" Burton stopped himself there, feeling the tears
build up in his eyes, not wanting to think of what might happen to
Nicholas once he wasn't around to clean up after his messes, to
correct his mistakes.

"What?" Nick scoffed, hurt by his father's desire to paint him as a
failure yet again. The blank look on his father's face spoke volumes,
he had no remorse for what he had said and no interest in hearing
Nick's reply. Yet, it didn't stop him. Nick finished his father's
sentence for him, "What? One of these days I'll see what a screw up I
really am? When you're not around to cover it up and protect me?"

Burton bit down hard on his lower lip, there was no way to control the
rage. It was just something that needed to be said, to be done,
perhaps years ago. He looked up into his son's eyes, and held back no
more, as his hand swept swiftly across his son's clean-shaven cheek.
"Then grow up and I won't have to…"

Nick's head dropped in shame, the sting of his father's hand causing
him to wince. Once composed, he understood all too well what his
father had meant. Nick knew that he wasn't good enough, he wasn't the
son his father wanted him to be, and he wasn't the man that he
should've become. Burton wiped his eyes, and headed toward the door
without saying a word. Even after all these years, Nick still didn't
know how to prove himself to his father. Something inside told Nick
to stop him, to finally have the last word, "Dad… wait… "

I don't regret what I said, but I shouldn't have hit him… I shouldn't
have done that, Burton repeated over and over to himself as he froze
at the door, as if he could take back the past few moments. What the
hell was I thinking? Taking a deep breath, Burton slowly turned his
head, "all I am saying is don't repeat my mistakes… if you love her…
you should support her, no matter what she decides…"


(Meeting with the board)

A petite blonde, the board president, spoke first, "Ms. Archer, we had
originally planned to suggest your resignation as associate director
of LSP and your seat on the board today, if not your position with the
clinic entirely…"

Lulu flashed a sad smile, "I know…"

"While your recent actions and choices aren't looked highly upon,
other factors must be taken into consideration as well…your dedication
to the clinic and the people of Pittsburgh is unquestionable; however,
we've heard that you are considering other prospects. Is that correct?"

"Yes" Lulu answered flatly.

The blonde woman raised her head from Lulu's file, "the legal center
in Berkeley?"

"Alvin…" Lulu than corrected herself, "Mr. Masterson, has a friend
there and I suppose he recommended me for the job."

"Without your knowing?" another board member needed to confirm the story.

Lulu nodded, "coincidentally, the job became available after…"

"Do you feel that Mr. Masterson was trying to get rid of you?" the
blonde woman asked.

"I certainly don't think that I've done anything to being fired," Lulu
looked away from the board members that surrounded her, and gazed out
the window – she wanted to be anywhere else.

"But he wasn't going to fire you;" one of the older male members
corrected, "he simply sought out another position so that you might be
removed…"

Lulu slowly turned her head to face them and replied, "yes, he and
James Mooney were making plans for my departure."

"As every sensible director should do," a dark haired, middle-age
woman answered, but then added, "when the situation calls for it."

"Right," Lulu said softly, seeing no point in defending herself when
the board clearly agreed with Alvin's decision.

The blonde woman once again spoke up, "while Mr. Masterson's initial
decision to make you Associate Director instead of James Mooney was
questionable, we have no doubt in our minds who is more qualified to
take the position at this point."

"You've taken a lot of responsibility here at the clinic, Ms. Archer,"
the older man paused to catch his breath, and then continued, "as well
as on the board… and that's a job that cannot be easily filled."

"As much as I enjoy my work here…" Lulu stopped herself there, trying
not to make everything as personal as it was.

The blonde woman nodded, "we understand that there are a few problems
with Mr. Masterson that need to be worked out, what he did was wrong
and we will speak to him about the action he sought for your removal
and why…"

Lulu looked at the other board members, and answered, "I think he
feels threatened, by…"

"Ms. Archer, while you don't have the legal experience that Mr.
Masterson does, you certainly have done a fine job keeping the clinic
running and representing the board. Aside from the recent changes in
your home life, I frankly see no reason to remove you…unless, of
course, you see it as in your best interest to leave."

"If I could stay at the clinic…" Lulu realized what she was saying
only after she spoke, that if that she was using would make all the
difference in the world.

The president once again took control of the meeting, "the other board
members and myself would like to see you retain your position as the
Associate Director. At the end of your contract, either negotiations
can be made or we will begin to look for a replacement."

"What about…" Lulu didn't want to find herself in that position again,
as if she were taking a job that was clearly meant for someone else.

The older gentlemen interrupted, "Mr. Mooney is no longer able to
fulfill the requirements for the position, and we don't have the time
or capabilities to train someone new…"

"I see…" Lulu knew that was coming, and she tried not to act surprised
by the facts.

"Ms. Archer…we cannot offer you the prestige or the money that clinic
in Berkeley can…" another member added.

Lulu shrugged, "its not about the money…it never was…"

"We will speak to Mr. Masterson in regards to your status with the
clinic," the president assured her.

"What if Alvin doesn't want me to…" Lulu knew that Alvin's decision
would mean more than the boards, at least for her. She didn't know
what she had done to break his trust or violate their relationship,
but she knew she couldn't stay if he didn't want her there.

The gentleman spoke once again, "Mr. Masterson really doesn't have a
choice, without the private funding and the backing of the board – he
doesn't have a clinic…"

"All right," Lulu got up from the chair and grabbed her briefcase from
the floor.

The president stood up, "we understand that this is a difficult
decision, but we will need an answer as soon as possible."

"I'll let you know," Lulu flashed an appreciative smile, and walked
slowly toward the door.


Nick stepped in front of his father's desk, and took a minute to
organize his thoughts. He needed to get it off his chest, he was ready
to explode. It had been years since his father had hit him, years
since his father had made him so angry, made him feel so useless and
small. That hurt Nick more that the sting of his father's hand
sweeping across his cheek. This time, he would not just let it go.
Nick began speaking without warning, "Dad… about earlier…"

Burton shook his head, wanting to put the terrible incident out of his
mind, "so… am I going to meet you and Louisa there this evening?"

"What?" It took Nick a minute to realize that he had completely
forgotten about the charity function that evening. He wasn't even
going to bother calling Lulu, he was certain that she wouldn't want to
go.

"The charity event tonight, remember?" Burton couldn't believe that
Nick had forgotten, earlier in the week he had been smiling like the
cat that ate the canary, pleased as could be that Lulu had agreed to
go with him.

Do you honestly think I would forget? I had all these plans, I wanted
to bring her home with me, I wanted to… Nick turned his head slightly,
pained, and mumbled in return, "oh, no…"

Baffled by his son's unexpected response, Burton chuckled, "are you
two gonna pick me up or what?"

"Uh… no…" he answered, although Nick knew that his father would demand
a greater explanation.

"No… ?" Burton slowly repeated, confused by whatever direction his son
was leading him in.

"We're…" Nick stopped himself, realizing at this point that they were
no longer a we at that point. He offered his father a simple
explanation, "Lulu, uh… she's not going…"

Burton's head dropped as he acknowledged the news, "well, did
something happen?"

"What?" Nick pretended as if he didn't hear the question, although he
knew damn well what his father was asking. He wanted to know about
her. Nick couldn't let himself think about it, what could've happened
the night before – he just had to get on with his day…with his life.

"Did something happen between you two?" Burton looked up at Nick, a
little put-off by the silence.

"What time is the meeting today?" Nick asked, determined not to
discuss Lulu with anyone, much less his father.

Burton's mind wasn't swayed, he just knew that something wasn't right,
"Nicholas?"

"I've got some work to do…" he answered as he walked out of the room,
wanting to be left alone with his thoughts. No. No. No. Nick didn't
want to hear what his father had to say, not anymore. His words did
enough damage earlier, he thought to himself, proud that he had the
strength to walk away. Nick felt bad, he usually did, but he knew that
his father just wouldn't understand.


(LSP)

Seeing Lulu walk into the bullpen from the elevator, Barbara called
out to get her attention, "hey, how did it go upstairs?"

Lulu stopped in her tracks and acknowledged Barbara's question with a
sad reply, "okay, I guess…"

"…and?" Barbara was filled with a nervous anticipation, worried that
not only would the clinic be loosing an excellent lawyer, but that
she'd lose her a friend as well

"Well, the director in Berkley is supposed to call me this afternoon,"
Lulu answered as she eyed the immense stack of paperwork on her desk
through her open office door.

Barbara flashed a sad smile, knowing that any clinic with a director
in their right mind would snatch Lulu up in a heartbeat. She tried not
to take Lulu's recent distance personally, and would continue to do
her damndest to make her feel welcomed and needed for as long as she
was there, "Lulu, listen… if there's anything I can do…"

"I know…" Lulu forced herself to smile, touched by Barbara's efforts.
If anything, Barbara's friendship was one of the few reasons she
wouldn't mind staying in Pittsburgh, if not at LSP.

Looking around to make sure that no one else was in earshot; Barbara
summoned her closer and softly whispered, "have you spoken with Nick?"

Shaking her head and not having anything more to lose besides what
little remained of her pride, Lulu was brutally honest, "no, not
since…I told him how I felt…"

"He doesn't want you to go," Barbara said on Nick's behalf. Yet she
could tell from the pained expression on Lulu's face that Nick Fallin
was a sore subject, and perhaps he himself had told her differently…
though for the life of her, Barbara couldn't imagine Nick ever turning
Lulu away. Undiscouraged and quite desperate, she tried again "quite
honestly – I don't think this place will make it without you…"

Lulu released a brief, stifled laugh, "thanks, but…"

"I've been around here long enough to tell you, you're one of the best
lawyers to come through those doors… as much as I love James, I don't
think…" Barbara stopped herself there, knowing it wasn't her place to
criticize a co-worker. While she didn't agree with how James and Alvin
had treated the prospect of Lulu leaving, she couldn't afford to
jeopardize her own job by going against them – she could do that on
her own time. Barbara looked back up at Lulu, "anyway, kiddo, you know
how I feel about this..."

Opening the door from his office, Alvin found Lulu standing in front
of Barbara's desk. What he had to say was best done in private, and he
didn't want to lose the opportunity. Sticking his head out into the
bullpen, he summoned her, "Lulu, can I see you for a minute?"

Barbara looked quickly at Alvin and back at Lulu, "Alvin will come to
his senses, he always does…"

"Sure…" Lulu smiled at Barbara, wishing that she had the confidence to
believe her.

"You'll make the right choice…" Barbara replied as Lulu walked toward
Alvin's office. She looked at the elevator doors as the opened,
surprised that Nick hadn't yet made his way in for the day. Since he
got with Lulu, no… Maybe I was wrong about them after all, Barbara
mumbled quietly to herself.

"Close the door…" Alvin instructed, and waited a moment until she sat
down before him to speak again "Lulu, about earlier…"

"Alvin, I… uh…" Lulu didn't know what to say to him, or how she could
even begin to explain the trust that was lost between them. He
obviously didn't want her there at the clinic, it was just a question
of why.

Alvin hesitated, considering his few options, and knowing damn well
that Lulu had every reason now to walk out on him after how he and
James had treated her lately "…Lulu – maybe I was a bit hasty, in my
decision to move James up and give him more responsibility… I
should've thought about why I didn't offer him the position in the
first place…"

"James is perfectly qualified to handle the job, so are a lot of other
lawyers…" she replied, knowing damn well what Alvin was trying to do.
It wasn't until that moment that she realized how suspicious it was
that she had gotten the job of associate director instead of James.

"You know as well as I do that after this incident with Taliek,
there's no way that the board will…" Alvin could tell by the look in
her eyes that he was telling her nothing she didn't already know, he
was merely restating the obvious. It was as if he thought by reminding
her of clauses and conditions, she might cave in before he was forced
to beg her to stay. He knew she was weak at times, and had convinced
himself that his plan just might work.

Lulu was onto Alvin's game, and shook her head, "well, then you can
find someone else…"

"You're under contract," Alvin insisted, though he knew the contract
could easily be broken without further consequence.

"I know that," Lulu turned her head and looked out into the busy bull
pen, wondering if she was going to make the right choice.

Alvin looked at Lulu's file, open on his desk. He knew what he had to
say, and what she deserved to hear, "I've trained you, hoping that one
day…"

"Hoping that one day, what?" Biting down hard on her lower lip, Lulu
tried to stop herself from saying something she might later live to
regret. Taking a deep breath, she glanced up at him, "then why did you
try to get rid of me, Alvin?"

"Lulu…" Alvin could feel his heart racing in his chest, there was
really no decent explanation for what he had done, "… things were
getting complicated around here…"

"And if I stayed, would that change?" she implored, already knowing
what his answer would be. Lulu would make him no promises about what
could happen between her and Nick, or that LSP would be any less
complicated – it wasn't worth it, not now.

Alvin shook his head, unable to make any guarantees, "…I don't… I
don't know…"

Disappointed in his response, Lulu knew there was nothing more to be
said between them. She got up from the chair, and slowly opened the
door back to the bull pen, "I'll let the board know about my decision…"

"You're leaving?" Alvin gazed into her eyes and swallowed hard, not
yet ready to accept her choice as final.

Owing him no further explanations, Lulu nodded, "I need the rest of
the afternoon off…I have a few things to take care of…"

"Okay…" Alvin replied softly, as he wasn't in much position to
disagree. As she walked out into the bullpen from his office, he
looked down at the pile of papers on his desk and acknowledged his
mistake, "I need her here…"


(F&F meeting )

As Nick put the phone to his ear, his heart was pounding in his chest…
"Nick… its me… I just wanted to apologize, for last night… I mean… you
told me what you thought… and what you wanted, and then I just out of
the blue tell you how I feel… and I shouldn't have done that… it was
really… really stupid…. that's not what you came for, and I'm sorry…I
can't expect those feelings to be returned…"

"Son, what the hell is going on with you?" Burton snapped, aggravated
by his son's apparent lack of respect by taking a personal call in
front of their clients.

Without further hesitation, Nick picked up his briefcase from the
floor and slid his phone into his pocket, "I … I need to go…"

Burton reached out his hand to grab his son's arm, "Nicholas, wait…the
meeting has just begun"

"No, there's something I need to take care of…" Nick quickly walked
out of the office and froze… not sure what he would do next.


Nick looked toward her office, the lights were off and the door was
shut. He felt his heart pounding somewhere near his throat as he
looked at Alvin, "where's Lulu?"

Alvin glanced casually at her door and back at Nick, mistakenly
assuming that he would know about her decision, "she left after the
meeting with the board…"

"So?" Nick stared coldly at Alvin, waiting for him to tell him what
happened.

"She…" Alvin stopped himself, realizing it wasn't his place to speak
for her, "it's up to her, Nick… Berkley is offering her more money
than I ever could, and you know, it's a good opportunity…"

Nick shook his head, already angered, "so that's it? You're just going
to let her leave?"

"Nick, please…" Alvin did not want him to make a scene, now just
wasn't the time.

"Did you ask her to stay?" he implored, looking at all the blank faces
staring back at him.

Alvin stepped in closer toward Nick, not wanting anyone else to
partake in their conversation. He whispered loudly, "…the board did."

The board? Nick thought to himself, infuriated by Alvin's lack of
concern toward the prospect of losing Lulu. Apparently, he couldn't
see her worth. "Look at all she has done for you, she's one… she's the
best lawyer you've got…" Nick stammered, once again drawing attention
from around the bullpen.

"That's what you said last year, about James…" Alvin reminded him,
considering Nick's new bias in making that claim and positive that
he'd be willing to do anything to get her to stay in Pittsburgh.

Shaking his head, Nick stated his revised opinion, "…James isn't the
man for the job, there's no way…"

"Well, he's unable to fill the position now…" Alvin admitted
reluctantly, hoping to at least quiet Nick down. He was certain that
the board would by no means give James the job after his involvement
in Taliek's case – that simply could not be overlooked.

"Is that why they asked her, or because…" Nick could've thought of
dozens of reasons why the board would want Lulu to stay, but going
through them now wouldn't make any difference – especially not with
Alvin.

"I don't know their reasoning," Alvin interrupted, not wanting to take
their conversation any further, "just that they asked…"

Desperate to find her, Nick continued his inquisition, "well…what did
she say?"

"She left, Nick," Alvin took a few steps away from him, and pulled a
file off a nearby desk, "she said she needed the rest of the afternoon
off."

"Did she say where she was going?" Nick looked back at her office, the
door still closed and the lights off.

Alvin extended his hand to give Nick the file, but he shook his head.
He didn't have to speak, but the look in his eyes made his demands.
Rejected, Alvin shoved his hands deep into his pockets, and looked
around the bullpen, "I've got one lawyer who could face prison for his
involvement with this Taliek character, three others handling backed
up cases at the courthouse, some of the clinic's bills unpaid, my own
clients to see… I don't have time to…"

Nick shook his head in disbelief, "…you just let her go… not caring if…"

"Mr. Fallin…" Alvin snapped, not having the time or the interest to
deal with Nick.

"Hold the elevator!" Nick yelled out as walked quickly back into the
broom closet and picked up his files and briefcase.

Alvin grabbed Nick's arm to stop him, "Mr. Fallin, I need you here!"

"Wait!" Nick jerked his arm away from Alvin and ran toward the closing
doors, extending his hand to stop them. He stepped inside the crowded
elevator, his heart racing. Nick could see Alvin staring back at him,
but he didn't care – not now.

"Dammit, Nick!" Alvin stammered as the doors began to close once
again, "you've got clients to see… you can't just walk out of here!"


"Louisa, come on in," Dr. Sutura motioned her towards the waiting
chair in front of his desk.

"Thank you for seeing me on such short notice," Lulu replied with a
said smile.

"How are you feeling?" Dr. Sutura asked as he looked over her charts.

Though she had no reason to lie, Lulu shrugged weakly, "pretty well, I
guess..."

Unconvinced by her response, the doctor set her folder down and looked
her in the eyes, "I can see why you might have been concerned, based
on Dr. Horowitz' recommendation and I..."

Almost afraid to hear him agree, Lulu interrupted, "he suggested that
I term..."

Seeing that she had gotten completely the wrong ideam, Dr. Sutura cut
her off, "I know what he suggested, and I've gone over your records
myself... Now, I'm not going to argue that this might be a bit more
strenuous and difficult for your body, but there's no reason to
believe you can't take this pregnancy to term."

Lulu stared back at him, clearly stunned by his response, sure that
there had to be some type of catch, "but...?"

"But," he began, "we'll watch you carefully and if things get a little
rough, then you might have to cut back on some of your hours or maybe
try bedrest... but that's the worst case scenario..."

"That's it?" Lulu couldn't believe what she was hearing, it was the
first sign of optimism yet -- but all the optimism in the world
couldn't change the way she was feeling at that moment about Nick and
the baby.

Dr. Sutura smiled, "like with anything else, I cannot make guarantees
but as of right now -- everything looks fine." Not quite sure if that
was the answer Lulu wanted to hear based upon her melancholy reaction,
he considered his next words carefully. He could sense a great deal of
hesitation on her part, and wanted to confront her head on,
"...however, if there were other reasons why you were considering
termination... that's your decision to make, sometimes that's the best
option for unwanted pregnancies."

"Actually, I've given it a lot of thought..." Lulu began, as her eyes
began to well up with tears.


"Caroline?" Nick was incredibly disappointed to find her there.

Setting her fresh martini down on the small table behind her,
Caroline's deep brown eyes looked up at him, "Nicholas, what can I do
for you?"

"Where's Lulu?" Nick poked his head inside the doorway, hoping to see
her… or at the very least, hear her voice.

Caroline turned and looked around the rooms, "she's not here…"

"What are you…?" Nick didn't even know why he had asked her, it didn't
really matter why Caroline was there… all he cared about was finding
Lulu.

"Louisa called me early before she went to meet with the board,"
Caroline generously informed him, "because someone is coming by to
look at the house with her realtor."

"The house?" he repeated, the surprise in his voice giving every
indication that the sale of her home came as shock, and couldn't be
further from his mind.

Caroline nodded, "it's been on the market for quite some time, as I'm
sure you must know…"

"Is she...?" Nick couldn't bring himself to finish the question. He
took a deep breath, and reorganized his scattered thoughts, "well, she…"

"Why don't you come in? We can talk…" Caroline stepped away from the
door and picked up her drink from the table. She walked slowly toward
the living room, expecting Nick to follow.

"I, uh…" Nick stood in the doorway for a moment, reminding himself why
he had come and what he needed to say. He knew this might be his last
chance to talk to her, to see her. Maybe it would be best if I left, I
can't face another rejection, Nick thought to himself.

No longer waiting for him to come and join her, Caroline sat down on
the couch. She turned her head over her shoulder, and looked at him,
"well, the center in Berkley is supposed to call within the next half
hour – so I figure she'll be back to give their answer, work out any
details…"

"She's… she's going?" Nick thought his heart had stopped as his mind
ran wild. Maybe I am too late, perhaps I should've left.

"She hasn't told me yet," Caroline continued, "but I guess it depends
on the house, the board, and you… of course…"

"Me?" Nick repeated, as if he were the last person he expected Lulu to
consider in making her decision. Why is she telling me this, Nick
asked himself, when Lulu has already claimed the burden as her own?

Caroline nodded, "if anyone's opinion matters, it's yours… I mean, it
wouldn't be the first offer you've talked her out of accepting – now
would it?"

"You knew about that?" Nick froze for a moment, he had used utmost
discretion in telling Lulu about her mother's business predicament.
Would Lulu have told her? he quietly asked himself.

"Of course I did," Caroline raised a suspicious brow as she looked
back at Nick, "Louisa can lie all she wants to herself, but I knew…"
Taking another comforting sip from her martini, Caroline clarified
herself to make sure there was no professional animosity between them,
"anyway, that's the past; the choice is up to her now."

"She stayed at LSP because of me?" he asked incredulously.

Setting her glass back onto the coffee table, Caroline smiled; Nick's
ignorance was painfully obvious. She decided to take the liberty of
spelling things out for him, "she needs you, Nick – professionally she
admires you and holds your opinion in the highest regard, she respects
you as an accomplished lawyer and colleague. Personally, you were the
friend she needed and eventually, the man she wanted… the man she
loved. I guess she knew all along that it wouldn't last, but far be it
from me to criticize my daughter for the one time she follows her
heart instead of her head… if I know Louisa, she was just determined
to prove me wrong…"

"Wrong about what?" Nick had known all along that Lulu was determined
not to be like her mother, but he saw no reason for Caroline to cast
judgment so early on.

Caroline hesitated a moment, knowing that what she said was bound to
hurt, "I told her to love someone is worth the risk of heartbreak, and
after I saw you with her at the hospital…. I almost changed my mind,
but… I guess it's like the old adage… its better to have loved and
lost than never to have loved at all…"

"You told her that?" Nick couldn't believe what he was hearing, he was
sure that Caroline of all people would've supported their
relationship, even beyond professional prospects.

"Nick, I've been around the block a time or two, and I've known men
like you…completely enamored with the woman you cannot have, entranced
and disabled by the promise of forbidden passion, caught up in the
rapture of love…but once its within your reach, the thrill is gone…and
you're ready for the next…" Caroline stopped herself there, able to
read the disappointment in Nick's eyes.

"… that's not what this is for me…" Nick stammered loudly, not giving
a damn that he was interrupting.

"Now, now…" Caroline once again took control of the conversation, as
if releasing him from obligation in order to calm him, "you don't have
to explain yourself to me."

Nick shook his head in disagreement, "I don't feel that way at all…
it's not like that with Lulu…"

"I've been there…" Caroline stated before taking another sip from her
martini, as if she had to drink up the courage to continue.

"You've been to your own places…" Nick corrected, understanding that
Caroline was as desperate to compare herself with Lulu as Burton was
to compare himself to him. He knew she couldn't be any more wrong, so
he told her so, "and this is different, you don't know me…"

"Nick…" Caroline stopped herself from saying something she might later
regret. Nick was a good man, an honest man, or at least he tried to
be… even if it was with everyone but himself.

Coming to the defense of himself and his feelings, Nick told her with
all sincerity, "I care for Louisa, very deeply…"

"You wouldn't be here if you didn't care…" Caroline interrupted,
before he could say anything more, "but the question is why."

"Why I care?" Nick repeated, irritated by her perseverance.

"She feels guilty, Nick, she doesn't want you to feel trapped and tied
down because she got pregnant…" Caroline paused, and gauged Nick's
facial reaction. Though his mouth was silent, the look in his eyes
spoke volumes. He obviously didn't know the pain he had inflicted upon
her little girl, he was oblivious to just how hurt Lulu was. For a
moment, Caroline felt as if she could almost sympathize with him, she
had been there too with Louisa and knew there was no way to take back
what had already happened, what she didn't say and everything she
didn't do when she had the chance. It was just too late and Caroline
hade to make Nick understand why, "she's thinking that maybe if the
situation were different, your feelings about her wouldn't have changed…"

Caught off guard, Nick raised his head a moment, "Lulu told you that?"

"Do you know my daughter at all?" Caroline demanded, though not
expecting him to respond to her inquiry, "the sun rises and sets in
your eyes, she doesn't have to tell me these things, I can see it all
loud and clear every time she looks at you. She was ready to give up
her career at LSP to be with you and have your child, doesn't that
tell you something?" She waited a moment before continuing, allowing
her words time to sink inside of Nick, "Louisa would do anything for
you, Nick, if she thought you two had a chance…"

"We'd…" Nick stopped himself, knowing that what he wanted to say was
untrue. Instead, he tried speaking his mind… we'd have a chance if I
didn't screw up everything that mattered, if I wasn't such a failure,
but what came out was "then why the hell is she leaving?"

Although she was initially hesitant to tell Nick too much, it was
clear that he couldn't see the obvious for himself. Despite her own
opinions about Nick Fallin, Caroline was going to do her best to set
the record straight, "because she's scared, Nick, she's afraid of
being betrayed by her feelings, like she was with Brian… of making
another mistake, of being wrong again…and you know what, maybe Louisa
is right…" she conceded, "and I'm sorry that I pushed her…"

"It's 1:30…" Nick mumbled quietly, choosing not to acknowledge
Caroline's guilt when he had so much of his own to deal with. His
eyes moved from the wall clock back to the security of the floor,
knowing that a watched pot never boils – so staring at the door
wouldn't make Lulu come in.

A few minutes later, the phone's incessant ring interrupted the
awkward silence that had formed between them. Nick watched as Caroline
got up from the couch to take the call, knowing that it was not his
place to answer.

Feeling Nick's prying eyes upon her, Caroline turned away as she
answered, "Hello, yes – no, she's not here… no actually, I don't know
where she is at the moment, or when she'll be back…I was expecting
her, but you know how busy lawyers are and how things can come up… do
you have the number at her office, or her cell?... very good, thank
you… I'll make sure that she does…"

Seeing that Caroline had hung up the phone, Nick cleared his throat
and again started to speak, "well, she's not there…"

"Where?" Caroline asked as she returned to her spot on the couch.

"At the office," Nick replied, sounding defeated, "I went by there
first."

"Oh," Caroline sighed softly, almost surprised by Nick's efforts,
"well, they can reach her…"

Nick looked over to Caroline, baffled, "well… then… why wouldn't she
come back?"

Caroline set her nearly empty glass onto the coffee table and shook
her head, "I don't know… Louisa always has her reasons…I guess she was
trying to get an appointment this afternoon, maybe she's there…"

"Appointment for what?" he inquired, feeling his pulse once again
start to race as various ideas flooded his troubled mind. An
appointment? Nick repeated to himself, why the hell didn't she tell
me? I thought I had made myself clear last night, about how I felt. He
took a moment to do a mental recap of the conversation, all that she
had said, and what he didn't. God no… please no… don't let her think
that. Nick looked to Caroline's deep dark eyes for consolation, but
there was none to be found – for that he could not blame her.

"The longer she waits…" Caroline paused a minute, finding Nick to be
far more troubled by this than she had anticipated. Needing to know
what was going on, she mercilessly continued, "the more difficult her
decision will be – she said you two had spoken about it last night…"

"Caroline, we did…but…" Nick felt his heart pounding in his chest as
his breaths became shorter, he needed to voice his fears, "oh God, I
didn't…"

"I don't know what to tell you, Nick, but chances are that her mind is
already made up about this job, the baby… you…" Caroline looked into
Nick's clear blue eyes, the wisdom and certainty of the lawyer in
which she confided was gone – replaced by the doubt and sadness of a
broken man.

How could she do that? How could she do that and not even tell me?
Nick asked himself, unable to imagine Lulu having it in her to do
something so final. That wasn't like her at all, she wouldn't go that
far. Lulu left things like that up to fate. Or so he thought, until
the evening before, when she took the plunge… and told him how she
felt. Oh God and I said nothing in return…he chastised himself...but
no, she wouldn't make that choice, not based upon what I had said. Or
didn't say. "Last night, she seemed so unsure…" Nick only then
realized that he was fighting a losing battle, that in fact he was too
late. He knew it would be best if he left, before Lulu came home. Nick
didn't have it in him to face her, not now.

Watching Nick get up from the chair across the room, Caroline smiled
sadly, "sometimes it doesn't take much to be a deciding factor, once
you've laid your cards out on the table…"

"I should go," he mumbled softly, not trusting himself to say another
word. Nick knew he couldn't blame Lulu for the decisions she was
making, he had no place and offered no resistance… and he certainly
didn't give her a reason to stay. Maybe this is for the best, maybe
this is for the best…he repeated to himself, hoping for conviction of
the heart. He tilted his head down, unable make eye contact with
Caroline as he walked toward the door.

Out of the corner of his eye, Nick could see Caroline getting up from
the couch to escort him to the door. He turned his head, and shook it
– negating her offer. This was something he could do himself, after
all, walking out was one of his best skills… something that he had
mastered, as he had done it so well the night before, right after Lulu
told him that she loved him. Nick didn't know why he walked out, why
he ran away… maybe it was because he was scared, maybe it was because
he thought that love wasn't enough. Maybe he thought that even if she
said she loved him, it wouldn't stop her from leaving – like his mother.

Nick slowly opened the door, and stepped out onto the porch. For one
reason or another, the sun was shining brightly – not that it would
help his darkened mood. He found himself thinking again about the
night before, and how he felt after she had told him, "I love you,
Nick... even if it doesn't make any sense... I know it feels right."
Nick had never before felt so overwhelmed, as he didn't think he had
done anything to deserve her love.


"You're late," Dr. Fiore commented as he watched Nick sit down on the
large sofa before him.

"Sorry," Nick mumbled, his head lowered and staring at the floor in
front of him.

Dr. Fiore gave a brief stifled laugh, "are you really?"

"No," Nick didn't even bother to look up as he spoke, he saw no point
in making eye contact.

Dr. Fiore hesitated a moment, seeing that Nick was no more eager to
take lead of the conversation, "so what was the hold up?"

"I don't have to be here…" Nick reminded him, although his three
required appointments were over, he decided to come back – though he
wasn't quite sure why.

"But you are…" Dr. Fiore wrote down a few notes on his legal pad,
making Nick nervous.

Taking a deep breath, Nick decided that now was his chance to let it
all out – to prove this quack wrong. This therapy business didn't
work, and he felt that he himself was proof. It was just impossible,
maybe he was emotionally shutdown. Clearing his throat, Nick looked up
at the doctor this time, "what you said, about expressing my feelings..."

"You don't…" the doctor answered shortly.

Nick shrugged his shoulders, "well, I can't…"

"Did you try?" Dr. Fiore looked at him, but it wasn't the lawyer in
his mid-thirties that he saw before him, but a scared young boy
dressed up in a suit. He was stuck, in his childhood, and quite
obviously incapable of moving beyond his repressed memories. Yes…this
was the conclusion he had come to.

"Its too late…" Nick mumbled under his breath.

Dr. Fiore looked up at his less than cooperative client, "what's too
late?"

"When someone says something to you…" Nick began to explain, though he
promised himself that he wouldn't get specific with the details, "you
should be able to reply… to answer them…"

Instead of agreeing, Dr. Fiore responded with another question, "did
you want to?"

"Want to what?" Nick stammered, unappreciative of the doctor's ignorance.

"Answer them?" Dr. Fiore could tell that Nick was already agitated,
and perhaps beginning to once again shut down.

Nick looked around the room, trying to at least mentally escape,
"well, I should be able to…"

Dr. Fiore nodded, "so tell me, how did you feel… when this person
said, this… this something to you?"

"Overwhelmed," that was the first and only word that came to Nick's
mind, though he found it to be an unusual reaction for something he so
desperately wanted to hear, "I guess…"

"Do you want to talk about it?" Dr. Fiore by the look on Nick's face
that he shouldn't have asked, that he should've preceded with the
appointment by letting Nick direct the conversation – after all, that
was his comfort zone, when he had all the control.

Why did she tell me that she loved me? Why did she tell me last night?
Why couldn't I say anything in return? That moment was ours, something
I don't want to share… with anyone. Yet another person I have failed,
he thought to himself. Disappointed, Nick shook his head, "there's
nothing to say, really…"

"Why not?" he protested.

"Because I didn't say anything back," Nick stammered angrily.

Dr. Fiore returned to his notes, "What was said to you, Nick?"

"Uh… no…" Nick shook his head, no longer in a mood to share.

Sensing Nick's reluctance, Dr. Fiore tried another approach, "Was it
something you've heard before?"

"Yes," Nick answered quietly.

"From who?" Dr. Fiore furthered, almost certain of the direction their
conversation was taking.

Nick shook his head, as if it were his way of indicating his refusal
for the details, "it doesn't matter now."

"Why doesn't it matter, Nick?" Dr. Fiore noted Nick's resistance to
certain questions, it was if the closer they got to the heart of his
problems, the quicker Nick was to back away. That's how it was, yes,
three steps forward and two steps back.

"Because she left me anyway…" Nick uttered quietly.

Dr. Fiore nodded, "and who is she?"

"My mother," Nick felt as if he were betraying her and the bond they
shared as he said it – but he had to, it was the only way he could let
her go, and let go of some of the anger he held deep inside.

"Did you respond to her?" Dr. Fiore gave a slight smile…that was
definite progress for Nick. He had admitted that his mother had left
him, and yes, for that he was resentful.

Nick's eyes once again fell to the floor as he spoke, "I was young
then…I didn't know any better."

Dr. Fiore wrote that down, that Nick seemed to regret having loved and
lost. He came to the conclusion that perhaps that's why Nick was so
afraid to get close now, to let anyone in. Dr. Fiore looked back at
Nick, "who is she now?"

Turning his wrist so he could see the face of his watch, Nick knew
better than to stay any longer – afraid of what else he might say, "…
I … I should go…"

"You still have 55 minutes, Nick…" Dr. Fiore reminded him, as the look
on Nick's face told him that he was not quite yet finished with all he
needed to get out.

Nick shook his head, and desperate for any excuse to get out, he lied,
"I've got to be somewhere…"

"Is she your girlfriend, Nick?" Dr. Fiore asked abruptly.

"I'm not talking about this…" Nick got up from the couch and
straightened his jacket, and slowly started walking toward the door.
She was my girlfriend, until last night he thought to himself, until I
let her go…

Dr. Fiore got up from his chair, and walked over to where Nick was
standing, not wanting to lose this pivotal moment, "and… what did she
tell you?"

Nick backed away from him, aggravated by the intrusion of his personal
space. He angrily pointed his finger toward the door, "See that door?
I'm leaving…I'm going to walk through that door and…"

Loosely grabbing his arm, Dr. Fiore spoke calmly, "Nick…what are you
afraid of?"

"I'm done here, really…" Nick stammered.

"What did she say?" Dr. Fiore wasn't about to let him leave.

Nick shrugged, "Maybe it was love… but it's over… now… loving someone
doesn't stop them from leaving you…"

Dr. Fiore bit down on his lip, "are you sure…?"

Nick nodded sadly, "I know…it's happened before…it's happening now…"

Without saying another word, Nick walked out of Dr. Fiore's office.
He'd never before felt so wounded, and exposed…so fragile…it was as if
he had violated every degree of his self-trust by talking about
something so personal, and intimate…by talking about love. He had
heard before with love, there is pain…and this was certainly no
exception, Nick had reasoned long ago that the pain was from loss – he
didn't need a therapist to tell him that.

As painful as it was, Nick forced himself to remember the last time
his mother told him that she loved her… the last time he heard those
three words. It was his mother's last day, just hours before she died.
Nick hadn't left her all afternoon, he had refused to go to school
knowing the time was close, he could feel it in her touch, he could
hear it in her voice. Their final conversations had been so simple,
but meant so much to him…

"Can I get you anything, Mom?" the young boy asked as he gently
brushed a thin strand of hair behind her ear.

"No, son…but thank you," Anne answered weakly.

"Are you sure?" Nick stared at her, his clear blue eyes filling with
tears as he leaned in to hold her, wrapping his arms securely around
her slight frame.

Kissing her son's brow, Anne gently ran her trembling fingers through
his hair, "I'm not sure of much these days, my dear sweet Nicholas –
but I'm sure that I love you…"

Those were the last words Nick Fallin heard his mother say. He closed
his eyes tightly and squeezed his arms around her, desperate to hold
onto her final moments. By the time he opened his eyes, ready to say
he loved her in return, it was too late. He could still hear himself
screaming her name, and remembered how he grabbed her shoulders,
begging her to open her eyes… just long enough for him to tell her not
to leave, to say that he loved her. By then, she had slipped into a
deep sleep from which she never woke up.


After that day with his mother, Nick decided that he had to be the one
to say it first… that it would never be forced out of him again as it
was when his mother uttered those final beautiful words, it would be
on his own terms – no matter how much he felt, he would do it when he
was ready. Nick didn't want to be betrayed by love again. Lulu
deprived him of that chance to make things right, to let him speak
first… that's why he knew it was over, that she too would leave him…

Nick knew he would miss Lulu, he had missed her from the moment he
walked out the door. This would be hard for Nick, perhaps even more
difficult than his mother's death. His mother's departure from his
life was final… but Lulu's… would be unbearable.

And Lulu thought I had intimacy issues, Nick mumbled quietly to
himself, maybe she was right. Maybe I didn't let myself get close
because I knew that I would lose her too…as soon as she spoke those words…


Walking across the bridge, Lulu pulled her cell phone from her purse.
She looked at the screen, there were no messages – Nick hadn't called
her back. Lulu knew better than to expect it, but she hoped he would.
Maybe it was foolish on her part.

Looking down at the water, Lulu thought of all the times she had stood
in that very spot with Nick. She could still feel the way he looked at
her, the soft caress of his gaze and the gentleness of his touch. He
was always there for her when she needed him, whether she acknowledged
his presence or not. She didn't deserve his time or affection, but he
gave it anyway. Nick didn't have to be so good to her… but he was.

Lulu couldn't help wonder if she would've told him sooner, about how
she felt… if he might have believed her, if he might have stayed.
Maybe he would've reacted differently, or maybe he would've felt the
same. She thought about the way he looked at her, when she told him,
when she said that she loved him – Lulu would never be able to forget
the sadness and hurt she saw in his eyes…it was then that he broke her
heart.

After she told him, after she saw his reaction, she couldn't blame him
for walking out as he did… Lulu knew she made a mistake, choosing that
moment to say those words instead of any other. He wasn't expecting
it, nor was she. She could see that Nick was hurt when she told him,
as if it were her final insult – to say that she loved him and then
walk out of his life… that wasn't what she intended to do, it wasn't
what she wanted. It was just too late, and Nick had already let her
go…tired of waiting, tired of being rejected.

Maybe they both weren't ready for the choices she had made.

Wiping the tears from her eyes, Lulu dialed his number… and waited for
the voicemail to pick up. She knew he'd be busy, too busy to leave a
message or return her call… Lulu had to let him go, and this was her
chance to let him off the hook – "You're probably sick of my messages
by now… but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry… I never meant to hurt
you… and I know that I have… God… this would be so much easier, if I
didn't feel like this was goodbye…"
***********************************************************************