Cookie Chronicles--Memories
 
Author: Eileen Thomson

E-mail: indigotoast@yahoo.com

Summary: An August challenge story. Cookie Chronicles

Authors notes: This story was inspired by two men I met in a pub.
Please read the notes at the end of this part. My thanks as always,
goes to Linda and Suzanne for their gentle guidance, and for the
input of Limonise.

--+--

Nick Fallin throws open the front door and runs into the house. He
sits on the stairs shivering and shaking from head to toe. The sweat
runs down his back. He leaps up and starts to pace, his arms wrapped
tightly round his chest. He groans with the torturous pangs of
longing which course through his body. He staggers and again sits on
the steps.

"Speak it out Nick," he says out loud. "You know what this is.
You've read all the literature, and it's just the memory of the
cocaine. What did the book say?" He tries to visualize the book and
then quotes from it. "Addiction to drugs is basically a need for
painkillers! Cocaine chemically kills emotional pain, and alters the
mind's perception of what reality is! For drugs to be attractive
there has to be some underlying misery, some sense of helplessness,
or physical pain. `This has been a lousy week, and you are on edge.
The events of the past five days are what have caused this.'

Nick runs his hands through his curly, sweat soaked hair, desolation
tearing at his very being. Knowing the reasons behind the horror is
not aiding him in any way. "Where is everybody when I need them?" he
almost sobs with despair. "I have to get some help." When this
attack had started so unexpectedly he had run to the one place he
knew there was sanctuary, the one place of safety in his life. The
Club! But the Club was closed the whole holiday weekend for
refurbishment. Nick had forgotten! The Club members he knew weren't
available either. Shayla was in San Francisco, Siobhan was in
Harrisburg and his dad and Judge Tilson were in New York. Even John
Barr, his trusted confidante was out of town. Nick sits at the foot
of the stairs and rocks, trembling with misery

Everything has gone wrong this week. His cases at LSP have been
particularly traumatic, and he has lost much more ground than he has
gained. He has won one new client for Fallin & Fallin, but the cost
of this whole week is his nerves in tatters. And this! An unexpected
and sudden need for a fix.

He reaches over to the phone in the hall, and turns on the answering
machine. Sitting there feeling the loneliness crowd in on him, he
plays the messages from that day. Arms locked round his knees he
sways back and forth, not hearing the voices. They're just a
background noise to make him feel someone is there. Tears streak his
face now as the torment reaches in, and pulls his willpower out
through the pores of his body. Nick is in serious trouble.

Suddenly, he lifts his head. What had he heard? He leans over and
plays the last message again.

"Hi Nick, Jez here. I'm in Pittsburgh tonight. I'm on my way to the
camp. Want to have dinner? It's short notice, and I know it's the
holiday weekend, but I'm going to Jimmy TSangs on Centre Avenue at
seven thirty, if you can make it, I'll see you there. If not, I'll
catch you next time I'm in the area." There are some kissing noises
followed by Jeze's rich laugh. Then she hangs up.

Electricity frizzles through Nick. He looks at his watch. He can
make it. Just to have someone to be with, will be enough. He runs
upstairs and starts to strip. Within a short time he is dressed in
black jeans a black shirt, and his usual cowboy boots. The somber
attire echoes his mood. Now he is ready to go. The need has not left
him, and he feels like a puppet, with the strings being pulled by a
wayward child.

~*~*~

Nick drives up to the restaurant in time to see Jez walk in the
door. Relief pulses through his veins. He has never had the longing
for cocaine so badly. Coping with this new development is exhausting
and nerve-wracking. He nervously pulls at his shirt and straightens
his jeans before going into the restaurant.

He sits down heavily in the seat opposite his friend. The relief he
feels is enormous. "Jez, it's so good to see you." His voice quivers
and betrays momentarily the trauma he feels inside.

Jez looks up at him is surprise. "Nick, what's wrong with you?"

Nick sits at the opposite side of the table with his head down. He
rubs his face with his hands. He looks dejected and beaten.

"Nick, lift your head. Let me see your eyes." Her voice is sharp.

"I haven't been using," Nick growls, his head stilled bowed. His
voice is querulous.
`Why does everyone think the worst of me' he thinks.

Jez leans over the table and reaches to lift his head. "Let me look
at your pretty green eyes Nicholas. I need to look at you. Come on
now," she whispers softly, "let me see."

Nick pulls back from her and lifts his pain ravaged face. He looks
into Jeze's eyes. "I'm fine," he says trying to put on a brave
front. He imagines his need for cocaine, as a large rottweiller,
snapping at his heels. He doesn't think he can run fast enough to
keep it at bay.

"You poor thing, this is really bad. Has it happened before?"

"Yes, but never this bad. I can't get control over it." His voice
trembles with emotion. "It's eating me up, and spitting me out in
pieces." How could he also tell her he felt shredded, fragile and
desperate.

"Well, first we must get you something to eat, before anything else.
Nick! Don't turn up your nose." Jez has seen this before, and knows
that it is necessary to keep the body on an even keel, even though
the mind is suffering. "You've been in this dark place before. I
know you don't feel like it, but you know you must eat. If you
don't, you'll just make yourself ill. All the jumpiness and nervous
twitching is coming from your memory of the drug. This is NOT a
withdrawal from the drug, but a memory of it. Don't make yourself
sick as well. Just have some soup. Please."

Nick knows this is what he must do, but the thought of eating makes
him nauseous. They sit and eat, Nick picking at his meal, all the
time encouraged by Jez. Treating him almost like a child, she
persuades him to try something else. He eventually has a bowl of
soup and some plain rice. It seems to settle him, but the desire to
get a hit has not abated one bit.

Nick reaches across the linen-topped table for the credit card
folder. Sitting on top are fortune cookies. Absentmindedly he picks
one up. He snaps the crispy wafer in two, and the cookies content
falls to the table. He picks up the tiny paper fortune and rolls it
round in his fingers edgily.

"What does it say Nick?'

Nick sits lost in thought, nibbling at his bottom lip. He looks at
the tiny scrap of paper between his fingers. He unrolls it with
shaking hands, and reads.

"You are what you are when no one is looking."

"Huh! Isn't that the truth?" he exclaims ruefully, experiencing once
more the sharp pang of desire for the drug that races through his
system like a speeding train.

Jez reaches over and takes his hands in hers. "Nick, I have to go to
a camp to help out tonight and tomorrow."

"I'll be all right," Nick responds quietly. Resigning himself once
more, to having to cope alone. Feelings of resentment, flashes
through his mind like a wild fire.

"I'm not leaving you here by yourself!" Jez says fiercely. "Whether
you like it or not, you'll have to come with me. You won't like it,
but, I'll feel better if you are near me. Dear Nick, I won't let you
down."

Nick feels tears prick the corner of his eyes and looks quickly
away. He picks up his credit card and turns to Jez. "Well what kind
of torture do you have in mind to help me through this?" he teases
trying to sound light hearted.

~*~

At Nick's home Jez calls out a list of things he will need.

"Trunks for swimming? Jez, I don't have to go swimming do I.?"

"Just take the things I shout out, and then you will have enough to
cover all events. If you don't need them it won't have done any harm
having them there. I don't want you sitting about brooding when you
could be doing some kind of exercise."

"What are we doing there, Jez?" Nick is already thinking that
exercise is not his first choice for a weekend break, regardless of
how bad he is feeling. Suddenly the knot in his stomach tightens
with frightening intensity. Immediately, Nick knows he can't be
alone. He knows he may well give in to the terrifying desire. "What
else do I need?" he asks quickly.

"I have to cover for a teacher and her husband, who are coming back
to Pittsburgh for a wedding. We'll only be there tonight and
Saturday and we'll be back late on Sunday. By then, you should be
better. From what little I've read about these pangs, you can work
them off. Just keep yourself occupied and it will leave as fast as
it came. If not, there will be any number of people ready to give
assistance after the holiday weekend. Will your Dad be back by
then?"

"Dad's away on business. He won't be back until Monday evening. I'm
sure you won't have to put up with me as long as that." Nick's reply
is terse. He's still feeling as if the world has done him some
mischief, and that everyone is against him. He stands in the middle
of the room; hands in his pockets, shoulders slumped, looking very
wretched. He longs to throw something to release the tension, but it
is not his way, and he grinds his teeth in frustration at the
inability to control the urges.

Jez enters the bedroom and walks up behind him, threading her arms
round his waist. "Don't you worry, Nick, I'll be here, for as long
as you need me. Now hurry up, and we'll get on the road. It's not
too far, but I'd like us to be settled before the rest of the camp
has decided to bed down. I'd also like to get you a pair of running
shoes."

"Jez, I need help. Killing me shouldn't be part of the plan. I've
never wanted to run. I've never seen one happy runner. When I see
one smiling, I may consider taking it up!"

Jez pats his rear. "Trust me hon, I'll make you better, or die
trying." She laughs throatily and Nick glowers in return, his sense
of humor lost for the moment in abject depression.

~*~*~

On the drive to Allegheny National Park, they stop to buy the
running shoes Jez wants him to have. The long drive sets Nick's
nerves jangling once more, and he holds on to the dash, his slender
fingers white with the pressure of his grip.

"Try to relax, Nick. Please talk this through. You said you know the
reasons for this, tell me what they are."

"You start off with a weak individual…"

"Stop right there. If you're going to be facetious, don't do this.
This is going to help you and you know it. Stop being such a spoilt
baby. Get on with it Nick, tell me!"

"Okay. Dopamine is the chemical the brain produces, which cause
feelings of pleasure." Nick recites. He puts his hands between his
knees to stop the trembling. "Cocaine imitates the dopamine and
gives the same good feeling. Most drug users are basically good
people who have had some stress in their lives. Maybe they had
difficulty fitting in as a child or teenager."

Nick runs his fingers through his hair nervously rocking at the same
time. He continues. "Anything which causes any kind of anxiety can
turn a casual user into and addict. Work overload at school or place
of employment, or divorce in adults. Any kind of bad stress can jump
start the need." His breathing is ragged and he turns to face
Jez. "I was never badly addicted. I was always just a casual user."
Nick's whole body is coated in a light sheen of sweat and the
sickness has returned.

Jez pauses to think out her reply. She has been taught to recognize
signs of drug use, but this is something completely new to
her. "Nick, what compelled you to take drugs in the first place?"

Nick looks dolefully into her eyes and says, "They made me life and
sole of any party. I was able to talk to everyone, and everyone
liked me. When I used cocaine, I was never the quiet one sitting in
the corner. Fingering his shirt front nervously he asks Jez. "Why do
you think I'm having this reaction?"

"I suppose the bad week you told me about has just pulled you down
farther than you thought. You don't like to lose Nick, and that
could be what's wrong! You said that the cases at LSP this week were
particularly trying. I don't know. Just hang in, you know it will
pass, and where we are going, there won't be any temptations for
you. Here suck on this." She hands him a candy bar.

"Ugh! I would rather die."

"Then die quietly!" Jez reiterates quickly. "Why do you have to
fight everyone Nick? Why can't you, just once in your life, trust
someone to have your best interests at heart? You wouldn't be here
with me if you thought I'd do you any harm. Trust me. Now eat the
damn chocolate!" She leans over and rubs his leg roughly. He puts
his hand in hers, and like a timid child, the he lifts it up and
holds it to his damp face.

"Thanks for being here for me." Nick whispers, kissing the palm of
her hand, without really noticing what he is doing. "I know I would
have been lost without you this weekend." He leans over and lays his
head on her shoulder. "You still haven't said what we are going up
for."

"Kids. Well, six kids, various ages. They are all on boot camp
punishment. To be perfectly honest, it's not a punishment camp. The
name of it is scarier than the camp itself. This is a place where
troubled children are sent, when their parents don't know where else
to turn." Jez turns to face Nick to check how he is taking the news.

Nick sits perfectly still, a look of surprise on his face. He does
not believe he will have to cope with kids on this weekend of all
weekends!


Jez takes a deep breath and continues. "These are great kids who
for some reason have just started to go off the rails. The churches
have this retreat and they use it when they can get volunteers. The
parents don't come because it would seem too much like a holiday."
She fiddles with the radio dial trying to get a station, and to give
Nick time to come to grips with the idea. Getting no reaction from
Nick she carries on. "The kids are up at sunrise and are out getting
exercised and lectured from 5am. We are heavy on the exercise and
light on the lectures. We try to encourage them to talk their
problems away. We work two adults to each pair of children. Most of
them form lasting friendships here. They seem to pair up
instinctively, as children do, to the person most suitable to give
them help. Each helps the other out. It's odd, but it works. You
know what they say. If it ain't broken don't fix it! Its not
psychology but the results are good."

"Jez… Kids! How in hell's name am I supposed to cope with kids?"

"Beautiful Nicholas… how are they supposed to cope with you? Well,
too late now we are here. Just down this drive and we're in the
camp. Behave now, Nick. You will be in a cabin by yourself. You
won't be scared of the dark or anything, will you?" Jez gives a
husky chuckle and pulls over to the door of the largest cabin.

To Be Continued


Authors Note:
Over a pint or three at Brodie's Bar one Saturday, my brother and I
were joined by two of his clients. Bob is 29 years old and Will is
55. The link between them is cocaine, and Will's son who happens to
be Bob's best friend. After a few pints, this story emerged.

When Will's younger brother was killed in a car crash, he was
inconsolable. The memory of the drug took over his very being. (His
words!) Bob and Will `mind' each other, so, Bob moved in with Will
until the crises passed. Unfortunately, it did not pass, and,
finally at his wits end, Bob decided to take Will for a walk to calm
his blood.
Unlucky for Will! Bob walks the hills, and he took Will up Ben
Nevis! ( The highest mountain in Scotland ) When they had walked a
day and camped out overnight, Bob woke in the tent, and found Will
was not sleeping there. Running outside he found his friend lying
spread-eagled on the heather. Bob asked if he was all right. This is
the reply

`Every f---ing bone in my body feels broken. Every f---ing muscle is
screaming in agony. But my head… my head is crystal clear!'

Therein lies the nub of my fic.

To these two men, who gave me permission to tell this story I lift
my glass and say.

`Slainte is tainte' (Health and Wealth)

~*~*~
Part 2 - Memories

The main cabin is almost bare of niceties. The large room has been
split into three sets of sitting areas; each one is occupied by two
children and two adults. They all look up expectantly as Nick and
Jez enter.

"Jez, I thought you were going to be earlier. I was getting
worried." The speaker was a tall thin woman with the happiest face
Nick had ever seen. He stands mesmerized by the light of her smile.

Jez introduces her as Mrs. Spooner then she turns to the man, "Nick
meet Eric."

The man rises and shakes Nick's hand. "Spooner, Eric. We knew you
wouldn't let us down Jez." The mountain of a man turns to his
wife, "Come on now Lydia, lets get on the road and we'll be back on
Sunday evening. Turning to the two kids on the couch he continues
the introductions. "Joe, Frankie, say hello to Jez and Nick. They
will be your guides until we get back, I trust you both to behave
and not give them any trouble." This seems very funny to the large
man and he roars with laughter.

His wife hits him gently and turns to Nick. "The kids are greatest
just enjoy them. They won't be any bother, I promise!"

Nick sits opposite the boy and looks down at the table. Mr. Spooner
has being playing chess with the young lad. Joe nods to him, "Your
move."

Nick moves the knight, and says, "Check." He looks up at the boys
face and in that instant he could have cut his own hand off.
Reflected in the boy's eyes are galaxies of pain. "The game was won
before I sat down." Nick is quick to restart the conversation. "How
about we begin again, and start even?"

As Jez talks with the Spooners, Nick and Joe reset the chess board
and begin another game. Nick soon realizes that is not going to be
an easy game. Joe is just a scrawny kid, but he can run rings round
him on the board. Nick has to focus with all his might not to loose
concentration, or he will be beaten badly. The young lawyer doesn't
like to lose, but his staying power is waning. All the while, Nick
looks restlessly round. His eyes keep drawing back to the little
girl sitting hunched in the corner of the couch nearest to them.
Something in her demeanor snags at Nick's memory. Some long
forgotten twinge of pain surfaces and pulls at his heart strings. He
can't quite see what is there; it is just out of reach, clouded by
his preoccupation for the drug. Joe eventually wins the game and
Nick is glad it is over. The strain of trying to stay focused when
he feels so bad, has given him a migraine.

Waiting for supper to be made, Joe and Nick sit outside on the
porch. Frankie sits curled into herself, on the step just out of
talking distance. Again Nick feels the tug of some sharp and painful
memory. Almost there, but just out of reach It is tantalizingly
close. Nick knows this is important, but the now very painful
headache dulls his thinking.

~*~

Nick retires to bed with the rest of the camp. He is tired and worn,
but he knows that sleep is not going to come easily. He strips naked
stretches out on the bed. He starts to take deep breaths to relax
himself, and soon he is drifting into the black nothingness of
slumber. With a cry, he suddenly jumps out of bed. The yearning is
back and he feels the itch of longing run under his skin like a
parasite. He knocks over a chair on his way across the room, and is
trying to get out in panic, when Jez opens the door and comes inside.

"You can't go out without clothes, Nick." She holds him to her,
running her hands through his hair and down over his shoulders. She
tries her best to placate him, and to calm his agitation. Nick hangs
on to her shirt in desperation. "Put on your swimming trunks and
meet me outside."

Nick puts on the trunks and running shoes, without giving a thought
to what he is doing. Outside Jez waits.

"You can swim?"

"Of course," Nick says as they walk towards the fishing pier. Only
now does he stop and think what they are about to do. "Jez, we're
not going to swim in the dark are we? I don't think I like that
idea."

"Chicken, Nick? Just once out to the diving platform, then back.
We'll see how you are then. It's after one in the morning, so we
have to try and get some sleep."

They reach the end of the pier and stop. They reach down and take
off their shoes. Nick looks over the lake to the dark platform and
feels a moment of terror. He is a city boy, and the lake, with the
moon reflecting on it, holds no pleasure for him. The beauty is lost
in the fear of what might be in the water. He hooks his toes tightly
round the end of the jetty, looks over it, and peers into the deep.

"Go for it, Nick." She put her hand in the centre of his back, and
pushes. Nick gasping in shock enters the water in a most ungainly
fashion. Jez dives in without a splash.

"Damn! This water is freezing. How far is it to the platform?" Nick
says his teeth chattering.

"Nick, we'll swim there then see how you feel. If you can manage
back again without a break then that's what we'll do. Come on, I'll
be with you all the way."

They swim to the platform and back to the pier twice before Jez is
happy. Nick is panting and glad to stop. He hauls himself out of the
water and puts his hand out to help Jez.

"Always the gentleman! I bet you wish you had the heart to push me
back in."

"Too tired." Nick gasps

"Okay, let's get you to bed. Do you think you'll sleep now?"

"I promise I won't move for the rest of the night."

When Nick goes into the cabin he dries himself off and falls on the
top of the bed. Sleep comes quickly. A warm dark blanket of
exhaustion covers him. He drifts away, lifted in the arms of
Morpheus, to the land of gentle dreams. He doesn't hear Jez come to
check on him, and he doesn't move for the rest of the night.

~*~

"Wakey! Wakey!"

"G'way," Nick mutters pulling a corner of the sheet over his head.

Jez stands by the bed and looks in admiration at the long legs
hanging over the side of the bed. Nick has pulled the sheet up, but
it covers only his head and one shoulder. The rest is bare and very
desirable. She leans down and kisses each cheek, and runs her finger
along the crease at the top of his legs. He wriggles delightfully.
Suddenly he rolls over and sits up.

"Jez, I know what it is about Frankie that is familiar. It's me!
That's what it was like. You just curl into yourself!"

"I don't know what you're talking about Nick, and as good as you
look." She pauses, appreciating the length of this body, "I think
you should get dressed."

"Tell me about the two kids you're here to watch?" Nick says. "Talk
to me while I shower." He walks naked, without any embarrassment,
towards the bathroom. "You'll have to shout."

"Joe was found wandering the streets out of his mind on drugs. He
never said where he got them, and he wouldn't say where he was
going. He is an A student and this is his only offence so he was
let off. He lives with his grandmother, and she asked the church to
bring him here to see if we could open him up. So far it's not
working. He seems to have taken a shine to Frankie, and they are
together most of the time. He is thirteen."

Jez peeks in the bathroom door, and watches as Nick lathers down his
long legs. With a small moan of delight, she takes a deep breath and
goes on.

"Frankie's dad died almost three months ago. He was diagnosed with a
brain tumor and was dead within a month. Her mother is at her wits
end with her. She refuses to eat, or sometimes even wash. Nobody can
get close enough to find what the trigger is to help her. Things are
pretty hopeless at the moment. She is twelve."

Nick shouts out, but Jez is lost in thought. She looks up sharply at
the sound of the bathroom door opening. `I said, what do I wear
today?" He stands in the doorway, with the soap bubbles dripping
down his slim body, and running between his legs.

"I have to say, Nick, you look all right just as you are. But put on
jeans, a t-shirt and your trainers. We are going walking in the
woods." Jez pauses, unsure how Nick will take the next request. "Can
I ask you a big favor? It seems you more open under the influence of
this mind memory, and you have this urgent need to communicate. So
if Joe talks about drugs, will you be honest with him?"

Nick freezes in the doorway, a towel wrapped round his waist "It's
not my thing Jez. You know that I don't like to talk about myself.
This is just a nervous thing and it'll pass. It goes with the
territory of the drug. I know I'm running off at the mouth just now,
but it's unsettling for me."

Jez nods sadly, "I understand, just please don't try to lie. He
needs someone to understand what he did. We need to find out why he
did it, or there will be no closure for him."

~*~

Breakfast in the large room is well under way by the time Nick and
Jez arrive. They go to the serving area and Nick reaches for some
cereal. He stops and indicates to Jez the box which has Frankie's
name on it. He raises his eyebrows questioningly.

"Her mother sent it up with her, but she never eats it. Lydia says
they have struggled to get her to eat at all in the two days she has
been here."

Nick fills two bowls of Cheerios and walks over to the table where
Joe and Frankie sit. He sits opposite Frankie and puts the bowl in
front of her. Gently he touches her hand. "Eat," he says
quietly. "Eat."

Frankie, her head hung low, squints up at him. She picks up the
spoon and picks up one of the small o shapes and puts it in her
mouth. She eats small amounts at a time and is getting more and more
upset. Eventually she has finished most of the cereal.

Nick just ignores the girl and continues eating.

Frankie begins to cry, Nick hands her his handkerchief. "I've had
enough, Mr. Fallin," she says quietly, between sobs.

Nick leans in towards her ear whispers. She nods and leaves room.
Jez goes to follow her, but Nick stops her and asks that she be left
alone for a minute or two. When Jez finally goes to Frankie, she
finds her in the shower. Jez sits and waits until she comes out. She
is clean, has washed her hair, and has changed her clothes. Jez is
perplexed by what has happened and can't wait to talk with Nick.

"When mom died and I went to boarding school, I curled into myself
like that. I had a teacher there who just told me what to do. He
never showed affection, but most importantly, he never showed pity.
He just was there to guide me. I wanted the world to swallow me up.
He showed me it wasn't going to happen." Nick stops, remembering the
old man who had helped him. He starts again. "Without love, without
malice, just by being reasonable and impersonal, he pointed the way
for me to survive." Nick turns and walks backwards, excited as he
tries to make her understand. He stops walking and still facing Jez,
he puts his hands in his pockets. He tilts in to her and whispers
huskily. "When I saw Frankie sitting on the couch something tugged
at my memory. I recognized me there, in that place. That's how I
knew that Frankie would do as I told her. I gave no pity. Pity is
the most hurtful thing, and people don't realize that with it, they
can wound fatally. When an animal is wounded you don't give it pity!
You give it what it needs. Like you did with me, this weekend. See,
no pity, just honest assistance." He finishes his speech
breathless. "I know I'm right."

Jez is amazed at the change the drug imprint is having on Nick. She
can see for the first time, how cocaine could pull someone so
buttoned down as he was, into a craving need. This man was as unlike
the `lawyer Nick' than anything she had ever seen. "I'm sure you
are, but what do you do next? Can I leave Frankie to you? I'm not
sure your qualified to help in this case."

"What case?" Nick snaps angrily. "These kids are here on the basis
that the church will in some way fix them. That's what you said. The
church can't fix Frankie, unless God decides to give her back her
father!"

"Nick, that's cruel. Where is your heart?"

"Right where it should be!" Nick turns irately to Jez. "Don't give
her pity. It will drive her insane. She has lost the most important
person in her world, and you think that `God' cares! Give her
orders, until she can think for herself. She is numb, and even
thinking of the most mundane things hurts."

"Yes, all right. But, if it looks as if she's not coping. I'll ask
you to draw back. Deal?

Nick nods. `Done deal' he thinks.


~*~

The walk in the woods takes them up hill through the tall trees.
They all stopped to look up now and then at the canopy and the sun
peeking through. It dazzled them as they huff and puff onwards. Jez
sets a good pace, but soon her three charges are lagging behind.
Their back packs seeming to weigh several tons.

"We'll stop for a break now," Jez shouts down the path. "I'm going
up ahead to find and easy way to the top. Stay there, I'll be back
soon."

Joe is direct and to the point. "You're not here as a counselor, are
you? You look like shit. Are you a junky?"

Nick pauses, tempted for the moment not to do as Jez has asked. "No
I used to take cocaine, but I stopped a good while ago." Nick sees
no point in lying to this boy, and he tells him simply about how the
drug can trigger memories long after you stop using. "Just one
really bad day and you can be back where you started. I suppose
that's why it takes such a long time to cure someone of drug abuse."

"I was caught with cocaine in my system," Joe says casually. He
waits to see if Nick will come down on him for using.

Nick says nothing

"I was picked up wandering along a motorway and taken to the
emergency room at the hospital; they did a blood test there. I'd
never used before and I don't think I will again." Joe sounds scared
and apprehensive. "Do you think you can be hooked after one hit?"

"Not unless you want to be," says Nick. "Why did you try it in the
first place, if you were so afraid of it?" Nick's precise mind sees
the flaw immediately. This doesn't sound like a boy who will try
drugs just to see what the effects are.

"I don't want to talk about it." Joe says turning away. "It's
stupid, and I should have thought it out better."

Nick is impressed with the youngster's honesty, but he gently
insists. "Tell me what caused it. It helps to put things into
perspective to say it out loud."

Joe leans back into the shade of the trees so Nick can't see his
face. "When I was born, I was addicted to crack," he whispers. "My
mother was a junkie. When my Gram came back from work one night, my
mother had gone, and left me alone in the house. I was only six
weeks old. Gram and I got on just fine until a few days ago. Then,
my mother showed up at the house, and the shit hit the fan big time.
We all thought she had died of an over-dose years ago." The boy
tries hard not to cry. "It was so long since anyone had heard from
her-"

Nick urges the boy to go on, his voice a quiet whisper in the dark
abyss of the boy's painful thoughts. He feels the trembling start in
his own body and hugs himself tightly to control it. This young lad
needs him to be stronger than the need for a fix. He needs him to be
a listener and a confessor. `Here is a way to kill the ghosts of the
week, to redeem myself for my failures.' "Did she look bad?" he asks.

Joe gives a bitter melancholy laugh. Nick can hear the sob catch in
Joe's throat. "If only! She waltzes in, all gold and glitter with
two brats in tow. Married well, got two new children. I got home
earlier from school and she was there. They didn't know I was in the
house. Gram asked if she was staying to see me." Joe's voice gets
ragged and becomes a whisper of misery and torment. "Do you know
what she said to Gram? Did it live…She was talking about me! Did it
live?" Joe cries now, the tears running hot and unchecked down his
face. He gulps and hiccups, talking as fast as he can to get the
rest of the story out. "I just ran, and kept on running until I woke
up in the hospital. Every dollar I had was gone and I got sent here
to straighten out. Do you think that's funny or just plain stupid?"

Nick is on solid ground here. He knows how to get this young lad to
think along the right lines. "What did you have before your mother
turned up?" he asks.

"Before she came? I had Gram. We didn't have much, but I am an A
student and I will have a good job one day. I have a college fund.
Gram has always insisted that money be put aside for me. I love my
Gram…" Joe stops now, and sits in perfect stillness. Nick can see
his mind working. "Oh God, I've been really stupid haven't I? I
still have everything that I had before. Nothing is going to change
how Gram feels about me, or how I feel about her. My mother was dead
all the years I can remember, the fact that she came back makes no
difference. She is still just as dead to me." Joe jumps up, very
agitated and looks at Nick. "Can we go back now? Will you drive me
to town? Please, drive me to town!"

"What for? What is it you need so desperately?" Nick needs to hear
from Joe that he has worked this out, and is on the right track.

"I need to phone my Gram. I want to tell her… things." Joe is
suddenly embarrassed to be talking to this stranger. "We had to give
up our cells when we got here."

Nick puts his hand in his back pocket and hands Joe his
phone. "Don't get that confiscated or I'll choke you. Go up higher,
and see if the signal is stronger, and make the call."

Jez comes out through the trees as Joe leaves. "You just can't
resist being a saint! All the time you put up this front of being
such a cold hard corporate lawyer, but given half a chance you're
off doing good works. Are you religious, Nick?"

"Not all the time. Not even half the time. Oh, what the HELL. Just
some times Jez, leave me alone, he needed to talk and I just
happened to be here. I was lucky."

Jez looks towards Frankie, The young girl is looking in the opposite
direction and lost in a world of her own. She leans forward and
kisses his soft lips, just brushing them with hers. "Say what you
will Nick Fallin, you should have been some other kind of lawyer.
You enjoy your work at LSP, you just won't admit it. It's the plight
of the poor children that tortures you so. Corporate law is just
what you do because you want to work with your father."

Nick looks at her, not knowing how to answer. He is not sure if she
is right or not. He's confused about his role in the grand scheme of
things, and he has not been happy for a while. He's not completely
sure she is wrong. He fidgets in the grass, pulling at an imaginary
seam in his jeans. He lies on his back looking up at the trees, and
bites his lip until he tastes blood. His mind is running round on
the never-ending circuit of a treadmill.

"Let's get on now," Jez calls out. "Let's go up to the top before we
eat lunch. I've been told the view is a sight worth seeing." She
looks around to check everyone is up and ready. "Joe, come on,
we're moving!"

At the top of the hill, they come out of the forest into the most
beautiful meadow. They all stop and gaze in wonderment at the sun
shining on the tall grass. The shadow of the clouds flitting across
the vista makes a ripple in the landscape. The sight is surreal, and
the beauty is breath taking.

"We'll eat here, I think," says Jez, and she takes off her backpack.

Again Nick gives Frankie food and tells her to eat. She sits and
nibbles, talking in quiet tones to Joe. She keeps looking over her
shoulder at Nick, and he ignores her as he did before. When they
start to make the last climb for the top of the hill, Frankie is at
Nick's side and Joe is on the other. Joe chats away, quite happy to
make this a holiday, now that everything is sorted out with his
Gram. She has told him that his mother won't be welcome in her house
again. He can live in peace now, and his Gram will help him heal.
Nick is pleased for the boy.

The top is a steep slope, and Joe follows quickly after Jez. Frankie
is slower, not sure of the footing, and a bit afraid of the height.
Nick passes her, leans over and hesitantly offers her his hand. She
places her tiny hand in his, and he feels the fragile bones in her
small fingers. He squeezes gently, encouraging her to come up the
rest of the way.

They rest at the top a happier group than the one that had set out.
The way down was easier and they all laughed and joked each step of
the way. Jez abserved Frankie watch Nick. She wondered if maybe the
little girl now had a crush on him, but there was something strange
in the way the girl looked at him.

~*~

Back at the cabin they had time to shower before dinner had to be
made. It was their turn to cook and Nick surprised Jez by making a
mean pasta dish.

"Enjoy it," Nick laughed. "It's my one and only edible meal!"

After dinner they played word games and Trivial Pursuit, which Nick
just narrowly won over Jez. He tumbles into bed a happy person,
suddenly realizing that he had not had a feeling of need for the
drug most of the day.

The cabin is hot, and he drifts in and out of sleep. He awakens and
lays still. It is too warm to move, but too uncomfortable to stay in
bed. He gets up and puts on his swimming trunks. Taking a pile of
towels, he wanders down to the jetty. The dark water did not hold
the same fear that it had the night before, and he kicks off his
shoes and dives in without a splash. He swims twice to the diving
platform and back, as he had the night before. Grunting with effort,
he hauls himself up the steps to the pier.

"You're not allowed to swim alone at night, you know."

The voice so shocks him he falls back into the water. "Frankie! You
scared the heck out of me. How long have you been here?" He peers
into the darkness and sees that Frankie is sitting with just pajamas
on. She is sitting with her back to a wooden pillar near the edge of
the water. He gently wraps a towel round her to keep her warm.

"What is it, Frankie? What's on your mind?"

"My Dad died." She states the fact baldly, her voice expressing no
emotion to the fact at all.

"Hurts, doesn't it?"

"How do you know? Did your Dad die when you were young?"

"My Mom died when I was twelve. She had cancer as well."

Frankie starts to cry and Nick sits still giving her no comfort and
saying nothing. He then reaches over and puts another towel round
her and gives her the corner to wipe her eyes and nose.

"I can't see his face," Frankie wails. "I forget what he looks like."

"No you don't. Close your eyes and stop crying for a minute. Now can
you see his smile?"

"Yes, but…"

"Can you see his eyes?"

Yes but…"|

"Can you hear him laugh?"

Frankie pauses. "My dad had a great laugh. It sort of tickled
through my mind and made me want to join in."

"Frankie, when someone dies, everything they were is kept inside
you. They're never really gone, as long as you remember them. But
you can't be forever pining over them, because they can't come back.
You have to let go and other things will take a place in your life."
Nick stops to think how to best continue. The last thing he wants to
do is hurt the fragile child, but the opportunity has presented
itself and he thinks he must take it. "When you can't picture your
dad, do it in pieces. It's normal not to be able to see his face,
that's the brains way of dealing with something it's not seeing
every day. You can't carry a photograph round with you all the time.
That's not healthy." He reaches over putting his hand out. "Can I
see your picture?"

Nick heart stops at he beauty of the photo. Taken at the beach it
shows Frankie's laughing face looking up at a handsome man. Her
father gazes down, eternally caught with love and devotion shining
out of his eyes. It is exquisite in its grace. He leans forward to
give it back when he notices something on the back. "What is that?"

"Hooked F's that's how dad signed all the notes he wrote me."
Frankie sighed," Francis and Frances… Frank and Frankie. That's us.
Was us."

"Are you going to tell me what it is you and Joe whisper about when
you look over at me?" Nick asks teasingly.

"You promise you won't laugh."

"Cross my heart and hope to die," Nick swears solemnly.
Frankie starts. "It's about this school tradition. It's stupid
really…" When Frankie finishes talking, she waits for Nick to tell
her she is a silly little girl, but instead he bows his head, and
says quietly. Nick puts his foot out and touches Frankie's toes with
his. "Look into the future, and try to imagine what you will tell
your children. This is something your Dad wanted for you both. Now
you must decide if you want to look back in years to come and
say. `I didn't do that and I'm sorry.'

He looks at the little girl sitting with her snoopy pajamas, and
feels deeply sorry in many ways. He wishes he could help her out of
this dilemma, but some things have to be sorted themselves. "Come on
now; let's get you back to bed. Can I take that photograph back
with me to Pittsburgh? I would like to get a friend of mine to make
a magical frame for it. I promise I will take good care of it for
you."

Frankie hangs on to the picture as if her life depended on it. "I'll
give it to you tomorrow, maybe."

The next morning as Jez and Frankie come out of their cabin to go
for breakfast they see Nick standing looking east towards the rising
sun.

"What's on your mind Nick," asks Jez noting the stillness of his
body. This is more the stance of the real Nick. Hips slightly
forward, legs apart, and arms folded over his chest. All shut up
once more. `How sad' she thinks.

"You know, the colors of the first rays of the sun are the most
beautiful. When you go up Mt Washington, and look over Pittsburgh at
daybreak, the sun gleams off the windows of all the skyscrapers and
it's the most astounding sight.

The laughter of the two females surprises him and he turns and
realizes what he has said.

"I'm a city boy. For me, the sun only comes out in Pittsburgh. It's
not supposed to be here as well." He laughs with them. "I want to go
home. I want to feel the city wrap itself round me like an old
comforter."

They all troop in for breakfast, and Nick sits down with his tea.
Frankie comes over and puts a bowl of Cheerio's in front of
him. "Eat, she says," With an impish grin. Eat."

Just as they are about to leave the camp the later in the evening,
after the Spooners have returned, Frankie runs up to Nick and hands
him the photograph.

"Please take good care of it. Please!"

"Here is my card and my home number. I'll phone you when the photo
frame is done. I promise I will guard it with my life. I solemnly
swear, he tells her."
 

~*~
 
 
Part three Memories.


Sitting in front of Nick's house in the car, he suddenly finds he
doesn't have the words to thank Jez for getting him through this
ordeal.

"What do I say Jez? You saved my sanity, and probably my life. I was
so far out of things; I know I would have given in. How do I thank
you for that?"

"You want to thank me? Give me a weekend some other time. You're
good at this Nick, whether you like it or not. No training can give
anyone what you have, which is an uncanny knack of connecting with
children. You don't need to like them, you just have to empathize.
How do you feel about that?"

"Done deal! That is the easiest I could have gotten off." He leans
in and hugs her. "Next time you're in the area I promise I will take
you for a meal without the dramatics."


Nick walks into the hall and breathes a sigh of relief. No shakes,
no pangs and no unwanted needs. He heads for the living room, and as
he passes the lamp he pulls out Frankie's photograph. He props it up
under the light to remind himself to phone Shayla the next day and
ask her to make a frame for it.

Later as he sits reading, his eyes are drawn to the happy couple
pictured on the beach. `Frank and Frankie,' looking into each
other's azure blue eyes for eternity. Love, mirrors reflecting one
to the other. Time and again Nick is drawn to the image. Eventually
he gives in and picks up the phone.

He explains to Frankie's mom who he is, and they talk for a while.
He tells her he will be in touch about the photo.

~*~

Nick charges into the office the next day, a burning ball of energy.
He almost runs over his father on the way to his office.

"Dad, you're back early, did your weekend go all right?"

"The meeting was a wash out. I was back in town on Friday evening, I
tried to call you," Burton says. He stops and looks at Nick "You
went away for the weekend?"

"Yeah. How did you know?

"You've caught the sun. You look very well. In fact you look better
than you have for a long time. Maybe you should go away more often!"

Nick laughs as he heads for his own office. Then it was head down
and on with the work, which had lain untouched the whole weekend.
Every so often he pauses and looks at the picture propped up on his
desk. When the sun comes round to his office window, he takes the
glass spiral Shayla had made him and places it in the light. The
room is immediately infused with the golden sparkles. Nick that
playfully calls them his `thinking twinkles'. He sits twiddling with
his pen. Closing his eyes he feels the magical lights sooth and
clear his mind. Leaning first on his desk, and then lying back and
gazing at the ceiling. He rocks the chair back and forth, and
suddenly galvanized into action, he picks up the phone, and makes
the call that he has been tormenting himself about.

"I need you to get me some stuff. I don't want anyone to know about
this. Please don't ask me about this, and you must promise me you
will keep this to your self. If this ever got out, I would never
live it down." Nick's voice is strong, and he knows he has now
committed himself to this course of action.

"Give me a list of what you want. When do you want this for?"

"Friday afternoon. Will that be okay? I need the stuff for Friday
night." Nick is hesitant to ask on such short notice.

"Do you know what you're doing?"

"Yes."

~*~

Now it is Friday and Nick is getting dressed. He looks in the
mirror and sees a very nervous man. He looks at his hair all in
place and thinks `too staid'; he runs his fingers through to mess it
up. His suit is impeccable and his shoes shine. He stops and picks
up his cell phone, as he passes the phone table at the bottom of the
stairs. *God let me do the right thing.* He goes out side and starts
up the car.

"I'm on your street." Nicks says hesitantly, driving slowly, and
holding the cell with one hand.

~*~

Frankie sits in abject misery on the couch at home. "You can still
change your mind. I would never force you to do this. I'm proud of
you, and I love you." Janice, the little girl's mother pulls her sad
child to her breast. "Frankie, your Dad wanted this for you both,
but if it's too much for you, don't go. Please!"

"I can do it," she says vehemently.

"I'll just phone for the cab then, and we can be on our way."

They both sit contemplating the evening ahead when they hear a car
draw up.

"Shall we go then?" Frankie's Mom asks. "Go outside and let the
driver know we are coming."

Frankie, still with her head lowered, goes sadly to the front door.
She gives a big sigh and raises her eyes to tell the driver they are
ready. Her heart stops as she spots him, and she lets out a squeal
of delight. "Mr. Fallin! Are you coming with us?"

Nick walks up the path to the house. He stops on the steps, so he is
level with Frankie's eyes. "Frankie, you told me about tonight, and
I would be honored if you would allow me to stand in. This is
something I will do gladly, and be proud of for the rest of my life.
Can I be your partner?"

Frankie looks round at her Mom. She nods. Frankie throws her arms
round Nick's neck and says, "Yes…Yes… thank you Mr. Fallin, oh thank
you!"

"Well, in that case, this is for you." He takes out a small wrist
corsage, barely bigger than a man's watch, and slips it onto her
fragile arm. It is made of miniature silk roses the same color as is
in her dress. "This is your photo in its new frame. You must put it
with the back to the light and watch what happens when the sun
shines on it."

Nick looks at Frankie's mom and winces apologetically, "This is
something I asked a friend of mine, to get made for you. I think
your Dad would have done this." He looks at her Mom for approval.
Janice nods silently. He takes a slim case out of his pocket and
hands it to Frankie. "Open it."


With shaking hands Frankie picks open the case. Nestled inside is a
fine gold chain, and hanging on it are two F's intertwined. "Its
beautiful, it's so beautiful. My Dad would have liked you Mr.
Fallin. I like you so much! Frank and Frankie. Please put it on for
me." She turns for her mother to fasten the delicate chain on her
neck. "I have to go inside to look, I won't be a minute."

"That was very kind of you, Nick. I appreciate you doing this. I
really thought you might change your mind, from the time you phoned
on Sunday. You weren't too sure it was the best route to take, were
you?

"No, but I'm glad I did. I think I'll remember tonight for a long
time. She so hated the idea of having to be with the principal of
the school. I'll just do this and then I'll leave, if that's all
right with you?"

Janice laughed. "Praying you don't get caught, Nick?"

Nick rubbed the back of his head. "It won't be the end of the world
if I do, but I can't imagine the ribbing I would get." Nick raises
his voice a little, "Frankie, come on, we have to pick up Joe. I
promised I wouldn't be late for him."

~*~

The speeches have been made and Frankie has been named the best
pupil of the year. The principal announces that she will… Frankie
pulls on his arm and whispers urgently in his ear.

"Frankie and her substitute father for the night, Mr. Nicholas
Fallin, will now lead the Father Daughter dance."

Nick proudly leads Frankie on to the dance floor. "Don't step on my
toes," whispers Frankie.

"Thank you for making me feel like a klutz. Now I will step on you!"
Nick laughs with delight at Frankie's happiness.

Frankie looks seriously into his eyes, and murmurs softly. "I will
tell my children, that a handsome knight came to my rescue and
turned into my dad for ten minutes, just to dance with me. I won't
forget to tell them his name was Nick Fallin though."

Nick proudly walks off the dance floor and hands Frankie over to
Joe. "Call me tomorrow and let me know how the rest of the night
went."

After his goodbyes to Janice, Nick pulls off his tie and heads out
to his car.

"Nicholas Fallin!"

Nick whirls round at the sound of the voice. "Shayla! What on earth
are you doing here?"

"It was all too much intrigue for me to let pass. I'm sorry. I
couldn't figure out what you could need these things for." Shayla is
walking backwards from Nick. While trying to explain the reason she
had spied on him. She was now laughing and giggling at the idea she
that had been jealous. "The double F. I thought had to do with the
firm. Oh God, Nick! you do surprise me. If ever any woman finds the
key to unlock you she will have a gem. There is so much there."

"You ever tell anyone I did that, Shayla, and I swear I will murder
you," Nick laughs, he tilts his head to one side and adds
softly. "I have to tell you it was one of the prouder moments of my
life."

~*~

One week later.
It is Friday again and Nick comes into the house. Something is out
of place; he can sense it. He looks round hurriedly, thinking that
maybe someone had broken in. He goes into the living room and can
see nothing out of order. He starts up to the bedroom, when he
notices a photograph on the phone stand. He and Frankie are dancing
and looking into each others eyes. Nick squints and thinks to
himself, "I look like Frank!' He picks it up and takes to his
bedroom. Shayla must have taken it, and she had been given the key
to his house to bring the stuff for Frankie last week. This will
take pride of place on his dresser.

~*~

Nick switches on the answering machine and half listens to the
messages. When he hears Frankie's voice he turns and leans with one
hand on the wall.

"Mr. Fallin. Nick. I came into the bedroom.. And the lights… you
should see the lights. You're really cool Nick. You should see the
lights!! There're all coming from around Dad's picture."


The End