Broken Pieces – Part 6 Author: Sarah E. Grauvogl Email: grauvose@muohio.edu Rating: PG Note: This is (finally) a continuation of the fic, “Daddy Nick and Mommy Lulu” started by Rosiiii and I toward the end of TG Season 2 in May of 2003. Taking into consideration what happened in the show’s season finale “All the Rage”, some events are still included (the parking lot beating, James’ demise, Lulu’s job offer in Berkeley) but the original story thread from “Daddy Nick…” stays the same in regards to the very much unplanned pregnancy and the nature of the Nick/Lulu relationship, with Lulu saying “I love you” first and Nick’s uncertainty over anything being able to last. The characters and TG are not mine, but the story as it unfolds from this point on are. The parking lot dialogue is almost entirely taken from “All the Rage.” What I intend to do is spin the story in a different direction, taking TG into an ‘alternate universe’ from what we saw in the arc of episodes preceding “All the Rage” and Season Three. ** N. Fallin Residence, 11:46 AM Nick decided as he dropped the damp khaki colored towel from around his waist. He eyed the clothes he had set out on the bed minutes before, wondering why he bothered. Nick didn’t have to finish his mental wish, knowing all too well that his stubborn body would not oblige. His boxers went on with relative ease, but the rest… well… getting dressed would surely take all the strength he had in him. Simple, old, comfortable jeans – the kind he almost never wore – and a ancient t-shirt from his college years, that was all he could manage to put on. He grabbed his navy blue hoodie, the one he had recently collected from Lulu’s floor, and reluctantly pulled it on as he walked out of his bedroom. It’s not like he slept in there, on his own bed, at least not last night. Not that his body would allow him to sleep, but if it did, he didn’t want to be in there. Not alone. He hadn’t brought her there yet, into his home, into his haven. In his mind, he knew that he was going to, that he planned to. Nick stopped himself, believing he no longer deserved that chance. She had been there, at his place, only a few times, to drop things – trivial things – off. Try as he might, Nick couldn’t shake the thought. His pride got the better of him. The bedroom door was quickly closed. The light that was left on in the bathroom caught his attention as he slowly made his way down the hall. He hoped the hot shower might help, but it didn’t. His body still ached, his skin was clammy, his heart was racing. It was obvious - nothing would help. Nothing. Nick shut off the light and shut the door behind him, wanting to get out before he could catch a glimpse of himself in the mirror hanging over the sink. It was a face he didn’t want to see, a man he felt he could no longer recognize. he repeated to himself. A feeling of nausea hit Nick as he arrived at the stairs. He knew exactly what was waiting for him below. That goddamn mess. The mess that his mother and Aunt weren’t there to clean up. The mess that perhaps his father could’ve prevented, had he only cared. Without even trying, Nick could hear what his father would say, if he walked in Those were words he had heard many times before. His father, cold comfort, at its best, at its worst. Nick was glad that he decided not to stay there. He couldn’t take it, those cool, steely eyes peering at him, the clanking of the ice as it hit the glass, the smoke, the unspoken criticism. There was no doubt that Burton would’ve called again, but he wasn’t interested in what dear old Dad had to say. They were in trouble, and if that man died, they would be screwed – Nick already knew this, and the guilt weighed heavily upon him. Entering into the kitchen, he was reminded that he should have – at the very least – pulled the blinds over the sink. The bright sunlight was pouring in, accentuating the gaping hole in the window. As he looked over the damage, the shattered glass and the blood stained tiles, his mind drew a blank. His motivation for such a violent action escaped him. It was just a window, a simple pane of glass that dared to show his reflection. And now? It was a claim that he was far too embarrassed to file with his insurance company. A break in this was not. A moment of sheer insanity was what he amounted the damage to. The make-shift bandage on his hand was not doing its job, he noted, as he painfully unclutched his fist. The white gauze he had wrapped less than an half-hour before was sullied with stains of crimson, and the pressure and heat that he felt hinted that an infection may be on its way. A prescription for painkillers was not incentive enough to go to the hospital. Deep down, Nick knew better. The good of the medicine would be lost on the bad of his addiction, any temporary reprieve the pills could offer would only serve to enhance his permanent problem. Against his better judgment, Nick looked down at his trembling hand. He wasn’t sure that the bleeding had ever stopped. he thought teasingly to himself, ** Legal Services of Pittsburgh, 12:19 PM A box of Kleenex. A bottle of water. A messy paper-covered desk. A broken heart. That was Barbara’s best estimate of what she had. Though instinct told her not to come in that morning, her heart was in no mood to listen to her head. Unable to stare at the police tape any longer, she made her way into James’ office. That’s where she was now. Part of her wanted to just pack it all away, as if it would make the pain stop. The other part wanted to leave it just as it was, like a tribute to him and all the work he had done. Wiping the tears from her eyes, she looked again at the pictures he had on his desk. One was of him and Levi. The other of him with his mother and sister. Another showed him with a young woman he once dated, whose name Barbara could not recall. The last picture was one of them, from Alvin’s birthday at the Incline. Nick hadn’t yet arrived, no big surprise. The picture, well, she had always felt it was a bit deceiving. They all looked so happy there, despite of the day they had. They danced, they drank. It had been a really, really good night. she thought to herself. Barbara raised her head just enough to see out into the bullpen. A few policemen were still scouring for evidence, some temps were surrounding the file cabinets. Nothing felt right. Alvin had decided earlier that morning that although clients needed their help, now was not the time to bring them in. Employees, and police only. There was work to be done, and grieving to get through. No one really wanted to talk. Since they arrived, Alvin had been locked away in his office. It didn’t take to active of an imagination to figure out what he was up to. Nick had yet to show up and Lulu had been on and off the phone, with the Board, with James’ sister, with James’ clients. Normally, those would be her own tasks, but not today. Today, she didn’t feel like doing much of anything. Waking up had been a struggle enough. She was certain that she would’ve seen Nick there, that morning, at Lulu’s place and was almost disappointed when she didn’t. She could use his strength right now, hell, they all could. To ask where Nick was might only make things worse, she assumed, knowing that no one had heard from him. She thought better of him, that he wouldn’t let them down in such a time of need. Maybe she was wrong about that too. Like she was wrong about how to handle her son’s problems. Like she was wrong about dealing with her ex. Like she was wrong about Evan. Like she felt wrong about coming in there today. “James… James… James, sweet James…” Barbara whispered through her tears as she scanned over the folders on his desk, “what are we going to do without you?” His entire career was there beside her. Packed away in the file boxes there on the floor. So many cases lost, not so many cases won. It didn’t seem fair that he could fight for everyone else but himself. A light, unsteady tap on the door distracted her. Before looking to see who it was, she quickly brushed the tears from her cheek, “come in…” “Barbara, I…” Alvin wasn’t sure what he was walking into, but he knew for certain that he was unprepared to deal with the raw emotion he saw on her face. The file boxes told him she had been trying to keep herself busy, the tears told him that the next few days were going to be hell. “Alvin, what would you like done with these files?” Barbara asked hurriedly, “James always kept them in boxes…and I…” It had been quite some time since he had last been in there. He had no idea of what James kept or where. “His old cases?” “From the late nineties till now…” she informed him, “just chronological, not alphabetical.” “Just… just…” Alvin stared at the stacks of boxes, feeling overwhelmed, “I dunno…” “I’m just trying to get stuff, you know, situated… since… since…” Barbara uttered through her tears, struggling to catch her breath, “well, the interviews are next week and…” A mess. A real mess. That’s what this was. Though the drinking seemed to numb his pain, his judgment was not completely impaired. He knew this was the last place that Barbara should be. It was up to him to tell her to go home. “You don’t have to do this… Lulu and I can get it done…” he offered quietly, glancing over his shoulder into the bullpen where he’d last seen Lulu, “she’s going to be staying, at least a little while and you know, we can do this…” Barbara wanted to ask him, but she didn’t. She reached for another Kleenex, as if it might stop her sobs, “No, no… I want to be here, I want to help…” “Lulu said you’re going down to the police station later?” he swallowed hard, thankfully the police weren’t questioning him. He was in no condition. Nodding in the affirmative, Barbara wiped her eyes again. “I guess they’ve got some more questions…” Alvin glanced at her, puzzled, “you told them everything last night, didn’t you?” A lengthy pause filled the room. Just the mere mention of it seemed to hit her, hard. “They just… just want to talk about it…” she finally stammered in return, “but really, really there’s nothing more for me to say to them… I didn’t see it happen, I didn’t really see anything, but that man, that man running out of here…” “Is Evan going to take you?” Alvin mercifully interrupted. “No, no… he’s not home yet. He and his buddies decided to stay an extra couple of days up by the lake…” Barbara lied, “Evan will be home real soon…” Though he had his doubts about them initially, for whatever reason now, he bought into her excuse. “Did you tell him what happened?” Barbara shook her head. “There was just a message; I haven’t spoken to him…” “Oh…” That was all he needed to hear. James had mentioned that there might be problems between them. She had taken a lot of days off recently, for more than a bad back. It had been a while since he had seen Evan at their usual bar, but never once did he stop to think this might be why. Fearing that he might press her for details, Barbara was quick to try and convince him otherwise. “It’s okay, I mean… I’ll be fine…” she said, lacking the confidence he was used to. “Do you want me to go with you?” Alvin knew if they went late enough in the day, he’d have plenty of time to sober up. Though his offer was sincere, Barbara was smart enough not to take him up on it. “No… but thank you…” Lulu had also offered to go with her, before they had left the house, but Barbara knew she had other things on her mind. Alvin shoved his hands into his pockets, and focused his gaze downward, “it’s no problem, really…” Taking a deep breath, Barbara got up from James’ chair and walked toward him. Her heart was heavy and her steps were slow. “I… I just can’t shake that look he gave me… those cold, cold eyes…” she said tearfully, “those cold, cold eyes…” It didn’t take but a moment for instinct to kick in. Alvin wrapped his arms around her, trying not to choke up, “okay, okay…” “He just, he just… there was nothing there…” she continued, “so, so cold…” “Ssshhh… sssshhhh…” Alvin tightened the embrace, “its going to be okay…” Their closeness allowed Barbara to get a whiff of the liquor on his breath. In his moment of need, Alvin reached out to his strongest temptation instead of to them. The ongoing bout that Alvin had with the bottle had caused problems for LSP before. Now was not the time. James was no longer there to try and make things right, Lulu would soon be gone, and Nick, well… it seemed as if he really just didn’t care. A bit uncomfortable, Barbara pulled back, and lightly touched her hand to his cheek. She could only hope that he wouldn’t see the disappointment in her eyes. “I gotta, I gotta get this done… before those interviews start…” “Okay…” Alvin tipped his head, ashamed, and walked away. He hated being so weak, being so easily dismissed. he asked himself, Was he settling? That’s what it felt like, at least to him, text-book complacency. He thought a change might make things better, but in doing so, he had only made things worse. In doing so, he lost James, he would lose Lulu, he might just lose LSP. A simple request was nagging away at him. One that he knew that he could fill, one that might just buy him a little time. All it would take was him swallowing his pride and making a simple phone call. As he passed through the bullpen, Alvin considered his options. Losing LSP was a very real probability. Their financial troubles were no secret, even though the F&F check a couple months earlier had helped. There had been a few more of those, for varying amounts. He assumed it was hush money from Burton, but now he wasn’t so sure. Lulu’s connections to Nick and F&F made him reconsider her commitment to LSP, but if his suspicions were right, she had a lot more to do with the money coming in than Nick or Burton did. Yes, her actions surprised him. She didn’t go about it the right way, or even the legal way, but her intentions were good. That he liked. Maybe she wasn’t the best person for the job, but maybe James wasn’t either. Where she was lacking in experience, James was lacking in opportunity and time. Right now, she was his only chance. Alvin knew he could not afford to make another mistake. Grateful that no one had stopped him along the way, Alvin walked into his office and shut the door. Without sitting down, he picked up the phone. The number was there on his desk, on the letterhead that Lulu had brought in. Alvin dialed, and waited. A familiar, warm voice answered. “Good morning, Berkeley…” “Judith?” Alvin interrupted, his nerves getting the better of him. It was only then that she looked at the caller ID, recognizing the number. She thought this call might come, after hearing what had happened. “Yes, it’s me…” “Alvin, Alvin Masterson in Pittsburgh…” he began steadily, “I’ve got a few questions for you…” Questions. That’s what he had. He wanted to know how things had gotten so far out of hand, out of his control. When he heard about this, the job offer in Berkeley, he thought it would just be a tease. That she’d apply, that he’d make his recommendation, that she’d be turned down. Even now, he still didn’t know how she got it. God knows he didn’t ask Judy to take her away. In spite of there differences, he wasn’t too proud to admit the clinic needed her. Hell, he needed her. Hindsight was tricky. Maybe he hurt James’ feelings by putting her in the position that she was not experienced enough to have, maybe at the time it was a bad decision. Maybe she made some bad choices in the past year and a half, they all did. But now, now… James was gone and Alvin was desperate. It wasn’t that he thought James’ had failed him, but that he thought he failed James – he was setting him up for failure. Maybe he had hurt her by what he did, moving James up before she was even out. Maybe for that he was sorry. Deep down, Alvin wanted to believe she knew why he did it. He saw potential. Unfortunately, Ms. Lieberman saw the same and he would have to put up a fight. ** J. Evans Residence, 12:58 PM If he had been willing to help her then, Gael reasoned, he might be willing to do so now – nearly thirty four years later. His number was the first she wanted once she arrived in Pittsburgh, she found through a friend of a friend. Somehow, they had lost contact sometime after they had both moved on. Back then, it didn’t seem like such a loss. Not hearing from him seemed to help put what happened behind her, not seeing him denied her the opportunity of asking questions, of demanding answers. Now, it was different. Now, she was there. Now, she needed him more than ever. The facts she had were few. She knew he was married now, that he had a daughter he called his own and that had established himself quite well on the East Coast. Happy for him she was, but perhaps a bit envious as well. He had surprised her, he had taken his life back – something she was still struggling to do. Every day, she thought about calling him. Part of her longed to hear his assured voice, part of her wanted to see his promising smile. The fear that she, his wife, might answer was what kept her from dialing. It wasn’t as if they had been romantically involved, their relationship had never come to that, but he was once one of her closest friends – a closeness that Gael knew even the most secure woman would feel threatened by. More than his wife, she also worried about him, about his connections. She was fairly certain that he was still in that tight circle, the good ol’ boys club. That’s how they first met. Little did they know then what a mess was about to be made. she repeated to herself, staring at the phone, Her silence, she knew, would have to be explained. After all, it was she who stopped taking his calls, she who quit returning his letters, she who tried to be blame him. Eventually, he got the hint that she felt betrayed by his continued alliance to the man who put her through hell. It was he who finally gave up. Gael believed he deserved more than an apology from her, maybe even a word of thanks. He was the one who encouraged her to try life out West, he was the one that told her that things would only get better, that time would help heal her wounds. Hindsight helped her to see the friend that he was, or perhaps better said, the friend he tried to be. She thought about calling him several years earlier, after that fateful trip to Ireland. Of course, her pride got in the way. Had she listened to him, she’d never have gotten herself into that type of mess again. Gael could see the images again in her mind. She’d wanted to call him from there, from the room at the inn where they were staying. She was sure that he’d tell her she was crazy, she was certain he’d talk sense into her and tell her to get on the next plane back home and move on. IF only. Maybe that’s what he’d do now, to tell her to get on the next plane back to California and move on. Maybe not. Eying the clock across the room, she knew she had to get ready for work. She had requested to have her Saturday’s off, to spend with Declan. Her regular department allowed it, but today, the ER was short staffed, so they called her in. she thought to herself, the small piece of paper still in her hand. A shift in the ER meant that a long night was ahead, one that she surely wasn’t ready for. If they were slow, she’d have hours to think, too much time to think. “This is just going to have to wait….” Gael whispered quietly as she got up off the couch. She looked at the name written on the small piece of paper and finally let it pass through her lips, “Jerry Novak.” There. She said it. That was half the battle. Now it would be that much easier when she finally made the call. “Gammy?” Declan called out from behind her. Lost in her thoughts, Gael didn’t know she had an audience. “Yes?” She turned and faced her young grandson. “Who is that?” he questioned innocently. “A… well, you see…” Gael bit down nervously on her lower lip, “he’s just a friend, an old friend…” Intrigued, Declan’s eyes lit up. “Is he my grandpa?” “Why would you ask that?” Before she even finished the question, Gael already had her answer. It was John. He had put the idea into his boy’s head long before they left that they were going to find him, his grandpa, there in Pittsburgh. It was now clear she’d have to watch herself, what she said, what she did. Declan already had his image, one that she didn’t want to tarnish. She didn’t want Declan to seem him as John did, with hate and anger – for that she felt responsible. Maybe, just maybe, things would be better this time. She wanted to think that he would be the better person, that he wouldn’t do her so wrong again. “No, he’s not…” Gael said as she scooped Declan up into her arms, “Jerry is just a friend…” “Does he know my Grandpa?” Declan lightly stroked his grandmother’s cheek with his fingers, just as his father used to do many years before. There was no right answer for her to give. If she said yes, there would be more questions. If she said no, she would be lying. She hated that John planted these ideas in his young mind,that he got his hopes up so high. Again, though she’d never say it, she blamed herself. She often wondered if John’s father had been involved, if things would’ve turned out the way that they did. There were many things she’d never change, but also many decisions that she lived to regret. Gael knew what she had to do. She tipped her head forward and pressed her lips to his forehead. “Gammy has to get ready for work soon, but what do you think about a quick trip to the park? “Now?” A small, mischievous grin started to form. “Before lunch?” “We just won’t tell your Dad…” Gael answered with a proud smile, “go and get your coat, it’s a wee bit chilly still…” She set the small boy down and watched him run off toward the foyer. Moments like this, she yearned to have him there, to have someone to share this wonderful little boy with. She was sure that he would rise to the occasion. In spite of his failures as a father, she wanted to believe he would not let their grandson down. As she slipped her own coat on, Gael breathed a small sigh of relief. Luckily for her, the subject of grandpa had been quickly forgotten. She could only wish to be able to do the same, to have that luxury. she thought, ** Legal Services of Pittsburgh, 1:19 PM Closing the door to James’ office behind her, Barbara focused on her desk. She didn’t dare look over her shoulder as she walked over there, not wanting to see that yellow tape or stare at the blood stained floor. All she could do was keep herself busy. She didn’t want to think about James, she didn’t want to think about Evan, and she certainly didn’t want to think about going home to an empty house. After removing a box of files from her chair, Barbara sat down, knowing she had to find something to do to make the time pass. Scheduling could be done, clients on the waiting list could be called, papers could be filed. Could. Could. Could. If she wanted to. The radio, the one that had been played the night before, was there on the corner of her desk. She considered turning it on, hoping to break the unusual silence that now plagued the bullpen. Not that she’d get up and dance, but she thought that the music would help. They all needed something to keep them going, besides the coffee which she hoped that someone else had thought to make. Staring at the radio, her mind began to wander. She thought about them, dancing right there, as if the world around them had stopped. She thought about how such a simple moment could bring so much happiness. Her hand was shaking, but she pressed the button anyways and turned the dial. Oldies, it was the only station that Alvin would allow. * John asked himself again, On the drive over, he tried to convince himself numerous times to turn back. It didn’t seem to be the right time, how he wanted to present himself. Just days before, he had spoken to him, James, about coming in. James had no qualms about trying to dissuade him from taking a position at Fallin, and readily admitted to LSP’s desperation. Although his position was unofficial, James told him he could have the job, to come in when he was ready. James was certain that Alvin wouldn’t have a problem with it. Now, John wasn’t so sure. His intent was good, but his motives were wrong. Yes, he wanted to help, the question was why. LSP was not exactly the type of work he was looking for, at least not permanently. He wanted in at Fallin, he wasn’t going to lie. LSP was convenient at best. Guilt, that’s what he felt as he walked up the stairs, since the elevator was still closed off after the shooting. He saw the squad cars parked in the lot nearby, and assumed the police were finishing up. The crime scene, as he had seen on TV, was grim, and he didn’t expect the mood of the employees to be much better. James had told him that LSP was casual, and he did his best to comply, especially since it was a Saturday. Dark jeans and a dark grey, fitted long-sleeve t-shirt, while not very professional, were as he believed, appropriate for the occasion. Approaching the top of the stairs, John took a deep breath and thought about the commitment he was making. Personal motives aside, he knew that he was needed. He slowly opened the door. The place was busy, much busier than he had seen it when he met with James. Police, workers, and even a few reporters. he reconsidered, feeling overwhelmed. A few steps further and he found himself brushing up against the yellow tape, marking the area where the victims went down. John looked over toward the spot, feeling a chill go down his spine. Though not a devout Catholic, he did not ignore his mother’s tradition. A quick, quiet prayer was said before he walked away. John’s clear blue eyes surveyed the bullpen. No one around him seemed to stop, to notice he was there. he looked around again, desperate. Lost in the music, Barbara stared blankly at her desk. The slow song could not be any more appropriate. Despite her best efforts, her tears continued to fall. John concluded, remembering James’ fondness for their red-headed secretary as he informed him about the LSP staff. Barbie, or maybe it was Barbara, he thought her name was, the one singing along with the old radio. He knew he had to try something . Putting on a smile, John approached the desk, “ It’s Al Green isn’t it, ‘How Do You Mend A Broken Heart?’” “Excuse me?” Barbara looked up, completely embarrassed to be seen in such a state. “The song, that you were singing along with, it’s by Al Green…” John leaned over the desk and cleared his throat. Pride aside, he began, “Tell me how can you mend this broken heart, how can you stop the rain from falling down, tell me how can you stop the sun from shining, what makes the world go ground…how can you mend this broken man, how can a loser ever win…somebody help me mend my broken heart and let me live again…” Neither his charm nor his effort was lost on Barbara, and a sad smile slowly appeared across her face. She had to admit, he sounded as good as he looked. “You do this professionally?” John couldn’t help but laugh, “you think I’d be here if I did?” “Good point…” Barbara glanced down at the stacks of paperwork before her, “I’m sorry, but we’re not open…” “I know, I’m here to see if I could help…” John rubbed his hand nervously at his nape, “I figured you could use an extra set of hands…” he thought to himself, she asked herself. Barbara shook his hand, “…I didn’t know” “Just part-time, volunteer…” John clarified, feeling increasingly out of place, “James’ hired me…” “Right,” Barbara winced at the sound of his name. Wiping her damp eyes, she glanced over her shoulder, toward the door which had been left ajar, “Alvin...” Alvin. Alvin. That was who he was supposed to talk to, that’s who James told him to see. Maybe things would be less awkward with him. John nervously moved away from her desk. “Thank you…” “Yeah?” Alvin opened the door just enough to stick his head out, knowing that he was less than presentable. “James hired him…” Barbara said, as tears rolled down her full cheek. James said the new guy would be stopping by to introduce himself. It took him a moment to think of his name. He was so used to Lulu leaving him a stack of memos that James’ mere casual mention had slipped his mind. “Johnny, you must be Johnny…” Alvin smiled as he firmly shook his hand, believing that this man’s timing was impeccable. “What are you doing here?” Wanting to make the best possible impression, John returned the smile, “good afternoon, Mr. Masterson…” After sizing up John’s rather casual attire, a stark contrast to his corporate counterpart Fallin, Alvin chuckled at the formality, “it’s just Alvin, please…” “Well then, Alvin, I came by to see if I could be of some help…” John stopped a moment, “that is, if you still need me?” “DO I NEED YOU?” Alvin said emphatically, patting him on the shoulder, “you have no idea… really no idea…” John looked around the bullpen, searching desperately for the only face that he could say that he knew. After seeing the news, John was certain that Nick’s troubles with the law would keep him out of the office long enough, this was his chance. Maybe coming in wasn’t such a bad idea after all… ** To be continued…