Broken Pieces – Part 4.5 Author: Sarah E. Grauvogl Email: grauvose@muohio.edu Rating: PG Note: This is (finally) a continuation of the fic, “Daddy Nick and Mommy Lulu” started by Rosiiii and I toward the end of TG Season 2 in May of 2003. Taking into consideration what happened in the show’s season finale “All the Rage”, some events are still included (the parking lot beating, James’ demise, Lulu’s job offer in Berkeley) but the original story thread from “Daddy Nick…” stays the same in regards to the very much unplanned pregnancy and the nature of the Nick/Lulu relationship, with Lulu saying “I love you” first and Nick’s uncertainty over anything being able to last. The characters and TG are not mine, but the story as it unfolds from this point on are. The parking lot dialogue is almost entirely taken from “All the Rage.” What I intend to do is spin the story in a different direction, taking TG into an ‘alternate universe’ from what we saw in the arc of episodes preceding “All the Rage” and Season Three. ** B. Fallin Residence, 3:02 AM An hour, maybe two. Nick wasn’t sure how much time had passed since Liz left. The time was spent in silence, with neither man quite sure what to say to the other. In truth, Nick would not expect anything less. The events of the evening left him baffled, he had no idea what happened – what the hell possessed them to act as they did. There was simply no excuse, no justification for their behavior. He heard his father make another call to Clay, trying to explain. Nothing made sense anymore. His body was tense and tired. There was no comfort to be found there, nothing to put his mind at ease. Liquor was within his reach, but Nick insisted that he knew better. He sat there, on the edge of the couch, waiting. His heart pounded, his brow was damp with sweat. “You want to just stay here tonight?” Burton asked as he came back into the living room, a fresh drink in hand. The idea did not even cross his mind. There was no way he could stay there, in that house. Not now. “No, no… I should go home…” Nick answered sullenly, his eyes focused on the door. Uncertainty of what to do next led him to come back to his father’s place, even though Liz had offered to drop him off at home. They drove by LSP, but the lights were off and the last of the cops had been living. He thought, for a moment, that maybe he should go by her place. Then he decided that she was probably the last person he wanted to see, especially now. Maybe it was for the best. he considered. That was a lie, he knew he did. Guilt was eating at him. Guilt over what he had done that evening, guilt for what he hadn’t. Before they left the station, he heard Darger talking to someone at the hospital. It wasn’t looking good. The man, Trillo, was in the ICU fighting for his life. Fighting for his life because they decided to try and fight him over a goddamn parking spot. Unreasonable, that’s what he decided that boy was years ago. Unreasonable and stubborn. Burton sat his drink down on the table and looked toward his son, “Nicholas, it’s late…” “I just… I just called a cab,” Nick glanced down at his watch again and got up, even though the driver dispatch said that it would be a while. He glanced at his father, “I’ll take you for your car tomorrow…” He moved slowly toward the window, and pulled the drapes. The street was empty. “C’mon now…” Burton moved towards him, like he might try to block his exit. “Really, I just want to go home…” Nick stared into his father’s eyes for a moment, still disillusioned. He could smell the liquor, the smoke on him. he thought to himself, There were few moments in his life when Burton Fallin truly found himself to be speechless, but this was one of them. He knew that Nicholas was beyond reason by now, hell maybe they both were. All they could do now was stare, in silence. Finally, Nick turned away. He silently grabbed his jacket from the arm of the couch, and walked toward the door. “I’ll call Clay first thing…” Burton mumbled as he placed another cigarette between his lips. He pulled out a lighter from his pocket and lit up, inhaling quickly – it was only a moment’s reprieve. His thoughts were getting the better of him, visions of that evening replayed in his mind. Liz’s words repeated again and again. It made him feel sick, sick to his stomach. He had hoped the liquor would numb him. He hoped. Burton glanced toward his son again, unable to read what he was thinking. Communication had always been a problem, a big one, between them – they needed it now more then ever. he decided earlier. He would take it upon himself to take charge, to make things right. He had to. Burton thought so, resenting it as he might. Unnerved by his father’s seemingly calm facade, Nick opened the door. Air. Air was what he needed. But, ever the obedient son, he glimpsed back over his shoulder at his father, acknowledging him, “okay…” “You at least gonna wait inside?” Burton inquired, as if he had just then realized that his son was really going to leave. “No.” Nick smiled weakly and pulled the door shut behind him. As he walked out onto the small porch, he took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Tight. The crisp breeze outside was sobering, and for that he was grateful. He glanced at his watch again, unsure of how long it had been since he called. It would only be a matter of minutes until his father stuck his head out, or so he thought. There was no way he’d stay there with him. He couldn’t. He needed his time, to think things through, to sort this mess out. Nick pulled his suit jacket on and started to walk. the question repeated again and again, he just didn’t have the answer. Nick wiped his forehead and looked longingly down the street. The taxi couldn’t come soon enough. ** Archer Residence, 3:13 AM Fifteen minutes. Maybe twenty. She thought about what might happen when she saw her, she just didn’t know what to say. After she saw that news flash, after she saw what happened – God, how her heart raced. There were no words to express the relief she felt when they released the victims names, just to know it wasn’t her. But still. It was close. She came right home. The drink was an after thought, a way to pass the time. Lulu had been in the shower when she got in. Now, she was just a few feet away. Maybe it was a mother’s instinct to want to run to her child and hold her near, but something held her back. She just stayed there, in the kitchen, leaning against the counter and watching. Waiting for the right moment. The wait was getting to her. Lulu picked up the phone again and dialed from memory. It rang once, twice, three… five times. Voice mail, again. Lulu swallowed hard, “It’s me… I just… I just wanted to call you. I just got in from LSP, showered… I just… I just… I don’t know. I hope that everything is okay. So… So… call me, when you get this… if you want to…” It wasn’t as if she was trying to listen, she just heard. The foyer was so close to the kitchen, there was no way she couldn’t. It was second call since she got home, or maybe it was the third. She was certain that Lulu thought she had gone to bed, or likely, gone out. Not tonight – unlike someone else, she showed up after hearing the news. Taking the last sip, Caroline set her empty glass down on the counter and called to her daughter, “I suppose that was Nick? “Yeah…” Lulu hung up the phone, and sat down at the bottom of the staircase. She felt again like a teenager, waiting to be lectured on her behavior – she wondered what her mother was doing home at this hour. How unlike her. Caroline thought to herself as she exited the kitchen, . “You haven’t heard from him yet?” She sat down beside her daughter on the stairs and turned to her, gently nudging a stray strand of hair back behind her ear. “No, not yet…” Lulu looked back at the phone, as if she somehow might will it ring. Although she had her doubts, Caroline tried to remain optimist – for Lulu’s sake. “I’m sure you will…” she said softly, her breath tinted with Vodka and olives. Now was not the time to start an argument. She didn’t have it in her to go another round. Emotionally exhausted and physically drained, Lulu just shrugged, “Maybe, I don’t know…” she told herself, though she was desperate to know what happened at the concert. The Nick she had seen hours before was anything but ready to give up. That was the Nick she trusted, the one she thought was worthy, the one who was willing to fight. And now? Caroline stopped herself there. Louisa didn’t need to know everything and that was certainly a fact about the Fallins that she herself had no business to share. “It’ll be better tomorrow, sweets… I swear…” Caroline leaned forward and placed a quick kiss on her daughter’s forehead before getting up. “I myself need to get to bed… early day tomorrow…” “I guess… uh…” Lulu smiled sadly, “goodnight then…” It was an unusual feeling that Caroline had, almost as if Lulu’s hesitation was her way of asking her mother to stay. she teased herself as she climbed up the first few stairs. She decided that she was most certainly mistaken. It wouldn’t be the first time, nor the last. “Goodnight, dear,” she returned. The sympathy in her mother’s eyes was genuine, that she knew. Whether she wanted to admit it or not, it was a small comfort to have her there – even after all these years. “Thanks, Mom…” Lulu said as she got up. Caught off guard, Caroline stopped in her tracks, “for what?” It wasn’t as if Lulu had never said it to her before, but not like this, not in this context. she wondered. “Being here…” Lulu glanced up at her mother, “really…” “I’ll spare you…” Caroline said with a sly smile, “I won’t relish in the moment…” That was the type of response she expected, they were never good with those genuine mother-daughter moments. “Well, I mean it…” Lulu swallowed hard, the next words were difficult. But it was time, her mother deserved to hear them. “It means a lot to have you here…” Taking a deep breath, Caroline gazed up at the ceiling for a moment as she felt her eyes fill. She looked back at Lulu, “your friend, Barbara, is she going to be okay?” “I hope so…” Lulu’s eyes moved past her mother and toward the door to the guest bedroom. It was closed, again. “That’s a terrible, terrible thing that she had to see…” Caroline pulled a handkerchief from her pocket and quickly dabbed her eyes, “terrible…” Lulu thought to herself, “she’s uh, she’s going through a lot right now…” “But…at least she has you…” Caroline said with a smile, “a good friend can go a long way…” “Yeah, but I’m hardly a pillar of strength…” Lulu waited a moment, “and I haven’t been much of a friend… at least not recently…” In a very motherly fashion, Caroline shook her head, as she tended to do with the jabs Lulu made at herself. “I’m sure that she would disagree.” A lot had happened today, she knew that much and she also knew of her daughter’s tendency to second-guess her choices after they had been made. Now, everything was different. she considered. Caroline always found it ironic how such a painful jolt in one’s life could put everything into perspective – at least for her. That’s what the accident had done. It brought her daughter back to her. It was the second chance she had been waiting for. “Does this, what happened, change your decision about Berkeley?” she asked with the naïveté only such an experienced woman could feign. Berkeley. Berkeley. What had been at the top of her priorities had now become a weight at the bottom of her heart. “I… I don’t know yet…” Lulu admitted, “there’s a lot to think about…” “Has Alvin asked you to stay?” Caroline had no idea if James’ death would change Alvin’s perspective or if he had accepted her daughter’s earlier decision as final. While she didn’t appreciate what he had done, she didn’t know all the facts that led to his decision to make the call in Berkeley. She owed him, at the very least, the benefit of the doubt. It went without saying whose words she knew her daughter was waiting for. She worried, for a moment, that she might have given her too much hope – to say that he’d been there, that he was looking for her. That was then. This was now. Caroline dared to ask herself, almost sickened by the image she had of him in her mind from those hours they spent together in the hospital only a few months before. For her, the writing was already on the wall. Caroline glanced back at Lulu, “so did he ask?” Lulu wondered, or was he just following the board’s directions. It didn’t matter. “In his own, too proud to beg way…” she finally answered. That wasn’t the request that her daughter was waiting for. Somehow, Caroline didn’t think it would be enough. Maybe she was wrong. “Are you going to think about it?” she asked innocently. “We’ll be interviewing the next week, so… we’ll see what happens…” Lulu responded, sounding very uncommitted and even more uncertain. Caroline concluded, . Knowing she would never directly ask, Caroline decided to offer her help instead. “I’ve got some contacts out West, if you’re interested…” “I know, Mom….” Lulu smiled, appreciative of the effort her mother was making. “We’ll see what happens.” “Right.” Caroline started again up the stairs.“Goodnight, dear...” her mother called quietly. Half-way up the stairs herself, Lulu thought about going back down to call, just one more time. she asked herself, There was no use. “ ‘Night…” she finally replied. She looked briefly at the door. He wasn’t going to come by, she knew that. It was time to give up. Before she opened the door to her room, Caroline glanced back over her shoulder. There was something more she needed to say. “Lou?” “Yeah?” Lulu waited as her mother walked toward her, not quite sure what to expect. “Thank God you’re okay…Thank God…” Caroline whispered softly as she put her arms around her. She squeezed a little tighter, finding her daughter unusually receptive to her affection. For the first time in a long time, Lulu returned the embrace. “I’m fine, Mom… I’ll be fine…” “Try and get some sleep. I’m driving to Philly late tomorrow morning, but I will be back for the services…” Caroline released her arms from around her and pulled back. She gently touched her daughter’s cheek, “get some sleep, Lou…” Her Lou. God, it had been years since anyone called her that, Jerry had gotten her into the habit again. It was what she called her as a child. her little girl. “I will…” Lulu smiled again at her mother, “I’ll be at the Clinic most of the day so,…” Procrastinating, Lulu waited there in the hallway for her mother to close the door. She thought about going to check on Barbara, she could see that the light was on. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea. Maybe they both needed time on their own to sort out what happened. ** Shadyside, 3:36 AM Maybe it was a block. Maybe it was two, or three. Maybe he lost track. Pulling the heavy door shut, Nick sunk into the cool vinyl seat and closed his eyes, tight. The car wasn’t moving, but he felt as if it were spinning around him. It had been that type of night. The driver looked at Nick and shook his head. he assumed. “Tell me again where we are headed, buddy?” “1980 Ellsworth Avenue…” Nick gasped, overheated and ill. “Okay…” The driver turned the engine. The calls. The calls he had received. The ones that he couldn’t return. He should go, stop and… he wasn’t sure. “Actually, can you head down Franklin Street first?” Nick wasn’t sure why. God knows she wouldn’t want to see him, not now. “At this hour?” the driver asked. He knew Franklin Street wasn’t in the best part of town. Nice homes, yes, but the neighborhood had been changing for the worse. “I uh, I… have to see…” Nick paused, he wasn’t even sure how to refer to her anymore, not after the night before. Not after what he had done. “Someone…” he finally said. Nick knew this type of thinking didn’t work, it never did. Nick wiped the sweat from his brow and swallowed hard, he asked himself again. The driver noticed the time. It was later than he thought, he shouldn’t have taken the call. “That’s clear on the other side of town…” he returned, seemingly exasperated by his fare’s request. “I know…” Nick mumbled, “By the courthouse, right?” the driver asked. Another bittersweet memory. They had made that walk a few times since they got together. They drove when time was especially important and they had to get back to the courthouse before anyone really noticed they were gone. That’s where they’d go, to…not her bedroom, if he could avoid it. The couch. The floor. The stairs. The dining room table. The shower. “Yeah, it’s close…” Nick clenched his jaw, determined to resist his urges, “it’s close…” Turning up the radio, the cabbie glanced back at him, “I am on the clock…” “Just go…” Nick leaned back against the cool, vinyl seat and closed his eyes. There was a stale smell in the car that made him nauseous. His stomach was already in knots, he could still feel his heart pounding in his chest. The familiar weakness was back, it was a craving he knew all too well. He gingerly licked his lips. he thought to himself, Stopped at a light, the cabbie turned again to Nick, “is this gonna be a quick stop? ‘Cause I get off at…” “I don’t know,” Nick mumbled, “I have no idea…” His heart sank at the thought of what he planned to do, what he had to say. That was earlier. That was then. That was before the beating. That was before the arrest. That was before he failed, yet again. He knew that she might not even want to see him, that she might not even open the door. he chastised himself, “You don’t know?” the cabbie asked with a laugh, “what the hell you plannin’ on doin’? seein’ if her hubby is home before you sneak in for a screw?” Appalled by his ill-conceived perception of their relationship, Nick snapped, “excuse me?” “It’s a little late to be runnin’ over town, so I just assumed it was for…” the cabbie stopped himself, amused by the reaction he provoked, “so am I right?” “I’m not paying you to talk, smart ass; I’m paying you to drive…” Nick returned curtly. He turned his head and looked out the window, watching the houses as they passed by. For a minute, a brief moment, he let himself slip. He let his mind wander as they stopped for another light. It seemed to take forever. he asked quietly, There it was, on the corner. A house. A big family house, right down to the picket fence surrounding the impeccably manicured yard. Parked in front was a BMW sedan, and a SUV, he didn’t know the mark. He watched as a man got out of the SUV, and walked around to the other side. The man opened the door, taking her hand, helping his wife out. Pregnant she was, that Nick could see, even from a distance. The thought made him uneasy. Maybe even nauseous. he wondered as he watched the man open up the rear door, and retrieved a small, sleeping child in his arms. He watched as the man passed this sleeping one off to the waiting woman. He then got another, younger Nick thought, and this one he held tightly. The man closed the door, and turned to the woman. He kissed her, like he wanted to kiss her, not like he had to. As the taxi pulled from the intersection, Nick turned his head and watched them walk up to the house. he pleaded. It wasn’t far. The man opened the front door and let his family inside. By the time Nick looked again, they were gone. He was locked out from their world, from that life. he repeated again, Closing his eyes, he knew there had to be some way to numb the pain, to make these thoughts of his stop. To escape from the loneliness and desperation he felt. Really, there was only one way that he knew… Nick asked himself, sure that no one would care. There would be no questions. No judgment. No one hurt but himself in the end. It was his choice, and no one else’s. Nick cleared his throat, “excuse me…” The driver quickly glanced over his shoulder, “sorry, buddy, coppers are out heavy tonight…guess they’re lookin’ for someone who…” “Right…” Nick swallowed hard, realizing who that someone was that the driver referred to. there was no doubt in his mind. “So what’s up?” The driver was stopped at another light. It was only then that Nick was able to detect the all too familiar scent of liquor on his breath. “Go down Franklin and hang a left, take it back toward…” Nick stopped for a moment, almost unsure, “yes… a left…and…” “Back toward the city?” he asked incredulously. Nodding, Nick convinced himself. “Yeah, I need to make a stop…” ** Evans Residence, 4:41 AM Too much time had passed. All these years and all she had to show for them was lies, the lies that she had been told, the lies she told to herself and her son. It wasn’t fair for anyone, least of all for him - the him that she never got to see, never got to smell, never got to touch. The decision to come back here wasn’t easy. She didn’t want to. It would hurt too much, yet seemed to be the only way. She wanted the closure that she had so long been denied. Sitting in the dark kitchen, Gael slowly sipped her tea. There was no need to get up this early, but she did. It was the same every day since she moved in with them, her routine didn’t change when they got to Pittsburgh. This was her time, her time to think and be alone before John and Declan woke up and took over her day. It was a distraction she didn’t mind, especially now. Especially now that they were there, in Pittsburgh. Had she been left alone too long, God only knows what she would do. She thought about it, going to a phonebook, looking him up. Showing up had even crossed her mind, to go before him and demand the answers she felt she deserved. she wondered as she ran her fingers through her short hair. Her hair had been long when she met him, he told her how much he liked it. The soft, dark locks that he would twirl through his fingers as they were lying together in her bed, making the most out of the little time they had. By the time they met again, her long hair had been shortened to keep things simple. Work and family took priority to beauty, or so she told him. He disagreed. He told her the type of beauty she had didn’t change, it was classic. It wasn’t long after that when she found out his wife wore her hair dark hair long and in much the same style. It was then that she decided it was time for a change. Maybe it was rebellion against him, what might have been. Now her hair was short and a salt and peppery gray, John said it was distinguished – a tribute to her age and experience that complemented her expressive blue eyes. Her patients told her that she was stunning. Declan told her that she was a ‘good-lookin’ granny.’ That certainly made her feel good. Gael had her doubts. She had no idea if he’d know her on the street. If he’d be able to pick her out of a crowd and look into her eyes to see the woman he left behind. She was certain that she would know him. The day before, it scared her when she ran into his friend. Novak. It was a name she couldn’t forget. Jerry Novak. Jerry had recognized her, even after all this time. He said that his wife was in town on business, she lied and told him that she was there for the same. Business. Maybe personal business. He had to know better. He was one of the few that knew the truth. Good ol’ Jerry Novak. Sometimes she wondered why she couldn’t have fallen for him instead. He was a much easier catch, single at the time and a heart of gold. He wanted a family so bad he could taste it, but work and friends got in the way. she thought to herself, banishing the name from her mind. In the back of her mind she wondered if Jerry would talk, if he would mention that she was back in town. She was sure they would all still be friends, that’s the type of guys they were – just as dedicated to the circle as they were their families. Maybe it didn’t matter now. Maybe it was what she wanted, to be found out. Pride kept her from making the first move herself, from taking back what had been stolen away… ** To be continued…